Kelly Reads Twilight Reimagined Chapter 11

Last time on Kelly Reads Twilight Reimagined…

We discovered that:

-Beau broke the man code

-Edythe used science to argue whether she or Beau was more obsessed with the other

-Edythe’s dimples are like firework displays

This time…

CHAPTER 11

In Biology the class is watching a movie. Beau and Edythe go through the same electrifying lights-out experience as Bella and Edward. At the end of class Edythe “scooped her bag up with one finger.” This is the heavy bag from before, mind you. I thought she was just doing that to show Beau her strength, but maybe she just always lifts up heavy things with one finger?

Beau goes to Gym class and is horrible at everything. He teams up with McKayla and accidentally hits her with his racket. McKayla asks, “You and Edythe Cullen, huh?” Beau replies, “Yeah, me and Edythe Cullen” which makes it sounds like they are together as a couple even though they’ve never had that conversation. I don’t think Bella and Edward ever do either, but at least Bella in the beginning wasn’t going around practically saying they were already a couple. Anyway, McKayla is angry and storms off.

Edythe and Beau are walking to the car when Beau finds out that Edythe has been mentally-eavesdropping on Beau when he was in Gym class. Edythe comments, “It was very entertaining. Though I wouldn’t have minded if you’d hit that girl just a little harder.”

Uh…please don’t tell me we are making Edythe unnecessarily catty? Yes, Edward didn’t like Mike either, but Edward always gave me the impression that Mike was like an annoying gnat to him. The last thing I want is for Edythe to have some insecure bitch fight with a human teenager.

Also, in Twilight, Bella gets upset at this invasion of privacy and demands an apology. She also tries to get Edward to agree to not do it again, though he doesn’t agree to it. Beau, on the other hand, doesn’t care at all.

They see McKayla walking away and Edythe says, “It’s been a while since someone besides family thought those kinds of words about me. I don’t think I like it.” Wow. I’m not finding this in the original story; however, it could have been moved from somewhere else. Still though. Damn. How frequently do you piss everyone in your family off, Edythe? Jeez…

Beau and Edythe talk about how dangerous it would be for Beau to be near her when she’s hunting. Then there’s this: “Her low voice wasn’t so smooth — more like raw silk now — and her eyes were on the clouds again.” Seriously? Raw silk? I know “smooth as silk” is a common, cliched description, but what does raw silk even feel like? How does a voice sound like raw silk or normal silk for that matter? There are so many words that describe not smooth voices. Why wouldn’t you go with one of those?

Edythe and Beau go there separate ways with Edythe saying that tomorrow she will be the one asking the questions. Beau goes to bed, dreams about Edythe, and wakes up the next day. After showering, he looks in the mirror and thinks this:

“I looked the same as always, and yet there was something different. My hair was dark and too thick, my skin too pale, and my bones were all shaped the same underneath, no change there. My eyes ere the same light blue staring back at me…but I realized they were the culprits. I’d always thought it was the color of that made them — and by extension, the rest of my face — look so uncertain, but thought the color hadn’t changed, the lack of resolve had. The boy who looked back at me today was determined, sure of his course. I wondered when that had happened.”

I don’t even know what to say to this. I’m glad that your bones are shaped the same underneath your skin? Was that a concern before? His eyes are now culprits? Huh? Moving on…

Edythe is asking Beau a bunch of questions like his favorite color, favorite music, and so on. Then Beau mentions she hasn’t asked him one particular question which is the most embarrassing thing he has ever done and so she asks him about it. Beau has “Patches of red flared in my cheeks” again, but then he continues with “I was supposed to look emotional. Anyway, the pretty guy in the melodramatic soap my mom used to watch religiously looked fired up when he did this scene. Thanks to him, at least I had a general outline for my script.”

So Beau takes direction from soap operas for his real life? God, this would have been such an entertaining book if he actually did. Can you imagine? Like Degrassi on crack except he is the only person acting outrageous and stupid, and everyone is like “Ummm…whatcha doing, new kid?” and he replies, “Getting my revenge on Stephenie Meyer for, in fact, I used to be a girl, but the evil forces of capitalism came and I became pregnant and then became a vampire and then I was reborn in a hospital with this male body.” Then, all his classmates slowly back away, asking why all the transfer kids are crazy. Anywho…

Beau walks up to Taylor and asks if he can talk to her. Everyone around them is watching. Beau begins by saying, “Look…I can’t do this anymore”, and Taylor looks confused. He continues by saying:

“‘I’m tired of being a pawn in your game, Taylor. Do you even realize that I have feelings of my own? And all I can do is watch while you use me to make someone else jealous.’ My eyes darted quickly to Logan whose mouth was hanging open, and back to Taylor. ‘You don’t care if you break my heart in the process. Is it being beautiful that’s made you so cruel?’”

Excuse me. I…I…I don’t know what to say to this. Really, I don’t. I really should check to see how Bella dealt with Tyler in Twilight (even though I know there wasn’t a scene anything like this), but I…kind of threw my book down in anger. Just what? Why? How? Words? I need a moment. I’ll be back in a few.

***

Okay. I’m back. I picked up the book. Let’s see if we can finish this chapter, shall we? So apparently Beau’s soap opera moment was so he could get out of going to prom with Taylor. What a manly man? I’m so not sure why that scene exists or what it was meant to be. Funny? Serious? Make me worry about the sanity/intelligence of the character? Jeez…

So Beau and Edythe go to Biology where they have another movie day. Beau talks about the “electricity” between them again which made me think…does he have a boner right now? Not that Meyer would ever mention it if she did, but I would just imagine Beau would have other concerns in scenes like this than Bella would have…

Throughout the day, Edythe continues to bombard Beau with question after question. Tomorrow they are going to hang out. Beau asks if it will be his turn again to ask questions. She says no, and Beau asks what more is there. Edythe “displayed the dimples” as she says that he’ll find out tomorrow. The chapter ends with Charlie coming home with Jules and Jules’ mother Bonnie who catch Beau with Edythe. Beau realizes that Bonnie believes in the tribe’s vampire legends. 

Kelly Reads Twilight Reimagined Chapter 10

Last time on Kelly Reads Twilight Reimagined…

We discovered that:

-Some people still say “Holy crow!”

-Beau has extra moisture in his eyes

-Beau loves to sniff scarfs

This time…

CHAPTER 10

Edythe picks up Beau for school unexpectedly. She has stolen a jacket from one of her brothers so Beau won’t be cold. He is worried about this and rightfully so. They go to school and bump into Jeremy. Edythe tells Beau that Jeremy’s going to ask if they are secretly dating and what base they got to. In Twilight Jessica wanted to know if they were secretly dating and how Bella felt about Edward. Then Edythe and Beau go their separate ways for class.

Of course, once again we are pulled into the bland romantic subplots of Beau’s friends that we don’t care about. McKayla is mad at Beau at first because she likes him and doesn’t want him to be with Edythe. He then tells her how much Jeremy likes her and then she’s okay with him again for some reason. She then tells Beau that Taylor has been going around saying that Beau and her are going to prom. Beau denies it. McKayla is relieved. She tells Beau that that’s why Logan was always angry around him because Logan likes Taylor. You see what I mean? You probably even skimmed this paragraph, and I don’t blame you. No one cares about this. I don’t care about all these side characters so I don’t care about their relationships. They have next to nothing to do with the plot or why people are reading this book in the first place.

Now Jeremy is talking to Beau about Edythe. While I find it a little problematic how Jeremy thinks about girls, I can’t say it’s unrealistic. Plus, I love how much sass he gives Beau. He can’t figure out how Beau got Edythe to spend time with him, and frankly I can’t either. First, Jeremy asks:

“So, I have to wonder how you turned that around. Do you have a genie in a lamp? Did you find some blackmail on her? Or did you trade your soul to the devil or something?”

I’m sorry this just cracks me up. Plus, the way Jeremy words the blackmail question. Instead of saying, “Did you blackmail her?”, it sounds like he’s asking if Beau found some black mail about her on the ground or something.

Of course, Jeremy asks several more questions, wondering if Beau slept or made out with Edythe. Beau tells him nothing happened. Then, Jeremy says:

“That is, hands down, the most disappointing story I’ve ever heard in my entire life. I take back everything I said about your game. Obviously, it’s just some pity thing.”

This is just cracks me up. Oh, Jeremy. You’re a shit friend, but in this moment you are so right on. This quote is the truth, people.The reveal was a chat in a car. I repeat the reveal that a major character was a vampire was a leisurely chat in a car. Disappointing story, indeed.

Then Jeremy mentions how maybe he could get Edythe if he acts pathetic because she is sure to get bored of Beau. TRUTH. He then adds that maybe he won’t and he will just stick with normal girls. Then Beau gives him this zinger:

“That’s probably for the best…Keep your expectations low.”

Ohhhhh! Shots fired! (Well, figuratively. I figured I should specify because in this new version you never know.)

Now Beau’s breaking the man code, and Jeremy is pissed. Beau is unsure whether he will sit with Jeremy and Co. Or Edythe. So much so that Jeremy causes a scene and practically yells at Beau for not automatically choosing to sit with her. Wait. Do guys really get that fussy about sitting together in the cafeteria? Seriously? I know this is high school, but…seriously?

After Spanish class, Beau finds Edythe waiting for him. Everything seems cool until Beau thinks, “Her hair was still coiled up in that messy twist, and I had the oddest urge to reach down and pull the pins out it.” Indeed, Beau. That would be the oddest urge. I know this is meant to be romantic…I mean, sexual…I mean…actually what was this line meant to do? Because it really makes me want to smack him. Don’t ruin someone’s hairdo. I thought that was obvious, but attention men. I have another PSA for you. If you get the oddest urge to ruin the hairdo of a woman who you have talked to for ten minutes, DON’T. Please, just don’t.

Edythe asks Beau if he’s hungry. Much like Bella, he seems to have a hard time figuring out basic bodily sensations. He thinks, “Actually, I had no idea if I was. My whole body felt like it was being electrocuted in a strange and very pleasant way. My nerves couldn’t process more than that.” I have one word for you: masochist. Let’s say it together now: MAS-O-CHIST. I swear.

Then Beau offers to carry Edythe’s bag, and she asks if he thinks it’s too heavy for her. She then rests the bag on her pinkie finger before handing it off to him. He then realizes it’s twice as heavy as his own. He then asks, “Do you always bring your own cinder blocks to school?” I love this little scene. I love that Edythe questions him instead of just quietly going along with it. I love that she shows off her strength and teaches him a little lesson on why not to underestimate her. I also love that Beau seems to take this all in stride, realizing his mistake, and even making a joke. I doubt he will remember this lesson but I’m glad it’s in here.

Beau and Edythe are talking about how Jeremy said Edythe will get bored with Beau and is only with him out of pity. Beau tells her that he is afraid she will get bored with him, but he didn’t want to say this out loud because he didn’t want to give her any ideas. Then Edythe says, “I never would have realized it myself, but now that you mention it, I really ought to be moving along. That Jeremy suddenly seems alluringly pathetic—”.

Then both of them notice that Royal (the guy version of Rosalie) is staring at them angrily. Beau is worried for Edythe (not himself!), and Edythe says, “I’m not saying that Royal couldn’t take me in a fair fight, but I am saying that I never have fought fair and I don’t intend to start now. He knows better than to try anything with me.” This makes me like Edythe so much more. Here is some personality I can get behind!

Also, I love the fact that so many people criticized Meyer for trying to include bad science with vampires, and Meyer turns around and adds more science to this remake. Yes, yes, I cannot believe it either: there is science in this. 

Beau and Edythe are now fighting on which one of them is more obsessed with the other. Seriously. Edythe says she thinks about him more because she doesn’t have to sleep. Beau says when he sleeps he dreams of her. Edythe then replies, “REM cycles are the shortest of all the sleep stages. I’m still hours ahead [thinking about you].” That’s right. Use science to help your teenage argument about obsession. What would Bill Nye think?

Look at what you've done!

All of which, surprising enough, is NOT IN TWILIGHT. I think Meyer’s reason for writing this is a lie. I don’t think she was trying to prove that even a guy would be a damsel in Bella’s possession. If that were the case, she wouldn’t have added guns and things to ratchet up the tension for Beau. No. I think she wrote this thinking, “Oh, you thought Twilight was too mushy and soppy and unrealistic. I’ll show you worse!!!” as she cackles manically. I mean, they have been on arguably maybe one date, and they are arguing over who thinks about whom more???!!! Isn’t she a hundred and something year old vampire? If she falls for teenage boys this easily, why hasn’t she been on the news yet??!!

Okay. So I haven’t mentioned this to you before because I can plenty of other stuff to talk about. And maybe, just maybe, if I talked about it it would go away. Edythe has dimples. They are the most dimple-y of dimples, of course. They “brandish”; they “punctuate”. And now “She smiled a slow smile. It started small but ended with the full array of dimples — like the grand finale at the end of a fireworks show on the Fourth of July.” Are these magical dimples or what, ya’ll?

Beau points out that Edythe always sounds like she’s about to leave. She says that’s true but not for the reason Beau thinks. Edythe jokes that with Beau’s tendency toward near-death experiences he might actually be safer with her than away from her. Beau then replies, “You’re still going to Seattle with me, right? Lots of vans in Seattle. Waiting in ambush around literally every corner.”

Edythe asks if they could do something else other than going to Seattle. She tells him that she will be staying out of the public eye since it will be sunny that weekend. Beau asks if that means he’ll find out what happens to her in sunlight. She answers, “Yes…But if you don’t want to be…alone with me, I’d still rather you didn’t go to Seattle by yourself. I shudder to think of the vans.”

Edythe and Beau then discuss how Edythe and her family feed on bears, mountain lions, deer, etc. Most of this stays the same from Twilight. Beau asks if he could ever see her hunt, and Edythe angrily says no. The chapter ends with them heading to class.

Kelly Reads Twilight Reimagined Chapter 9

Last time on Kelly Reads Twilight With Guns…

We discovered that:

-a bone-colored scarf would be perfect for hiding Beau’s blooming skin condition

-going on a date is more exciting than being almost murdered

-Beau can give dark looks while chewing breadsticks

This time…

CHAPTER 9

Edythe is driving Beau home from Port Angeles when Beau notices how fast she is going and says, “Holy crow!” Now, I’ve heard of “Holy cow!” but never “Holy crow!” As well, unlike Twilight, Beau starts cursing pretty early on so I don’t know why he would curse one minute and then say “Holy crow!” the next.

Holy crow?

Edythe is wanting to know what Beau’s latest theory about her is. In Twilight, Bella is hesitate is because she’s afraid Edward would be angry. A vampire getting angry because you figured out their secret? Yep, that totally makes sense. Beau, on the other hand, is worried Edythe’s little feelings will be hurt. Beau is afraid it will make Edythe upset and unhappy and holds her hand to comfort her. Uh, who’s the vampire again in this relationship? Edythe doesn’t even know if his theory is right yet. Beau doesn’t know if his theory right yet, the cocky bastard. The whole tone of this is completely different from Twilight and not in a good way.

Pfffffffttt, okay, okay. So Beau tells her how he came across this theory and is narrowing in on saying it when this little exchange happens:

“I half-opened my mouth, then closed it again.

‘What?’

‘I don’t want to say it,’ I admitted.

‘It’s not not my favorite word, either.’ Her face had warmed up a little; she looked human again. ‘Not saying it doesn’t make it go away, though. Sometimes…I think not saying it makes it more powerful.’”

Uh…not saying the word gives it power? Is the word Voldemort?

When did we suddenly get dropped in…I don’t even know what. Suddenly, the soap opera factor is out the whazoo, Beau, the cocky little bastard, is so sure that he’s right he’s comforting a vampire, and Edythe is acting like she’s about to admit to her not-boyfriend that she has AIDS or some shit. Of course, it continues on:

“‘Vampire?’ I whispered.

She flinched.

Nope. Saying it out loud didn’t make it any less powerful.

Funny how it didn’t sound stupid anymore, like it had in my room. It didn’t feel like we were talking about impossible things, about old legends or silly horror movies or paperbacks books. It felt real.

And very powerful.

We drove in silence for another minute, and the word vampire seemed to get bigger and bigger inside the car. It didn’t feel like it belonged to her, really, but more like it had the power to hurt her. I tried to think of something, anything to say to erase the sound of it.”

Let’s take this in order, shall we?

1.) Seriously. You are in a car with her. Alone. Not on a busy street. Or on the bus. Or at a wedding. Why are you whispering?

2.) She flinched. Literally. Flinched. At what? The word?

3.) Leave it to Stephenie Meyer for a woman to not feel empowered at all by being a vampire. Super speed. Check. Super strength. Check. Immortality. Check. But the word vampire doesn’t seem to belong to her and has the power to hurt her.

You might be wondering why I’m harping on this passage so much. Sure, it’s not great, but it’s not particularly, hilariously awful. Well, it’s because this is an another add-on. This doesn’t happen in Twilight. Good ol’ Twilight was actually better. Edward actually just makes fun of Bella as she explains how she poor attempted to flirt with Jacob in order to get the information for the vampire theory. While many people complained that it took forever for the vampire reveal in Twilight , once you get to it in this chapter it flies by pretty quickly. Many could say that the build-up is pretty melodramatic, but in comparison the actual conversation where they get down to it isn’t that bad. This extra stuff, on the other hand, just weighs it down. It was one of the few scenes in the original story where Meyer was minimalist (to a degree).

Beau asks Edythe if Jules was right by saying that the Cullens don’t hunt people. Edythe replies that the Quileutes (Jules’ tribe) have a long memory. Beau then narrates “I took that as a confirmation.” That is not a confirmation. That is avoidance. That is not answering the question. This boyyyy…

Beau’s worried that he will never get to be with Edythe like this again. All of a sudden “I double-blinked the extra moisture from my eyes.”

We have moisture. I repeat we have moisture. Those couldn’t possibly be tears, could they? Nah. Why? Because he’s a MANNNNNNN.

I’m now activating Tear Watch. I will update you guys on any further moisturizing of Beau’s eyeballs. (No, I don't overuse overly manly man memes. This book has made them a mandatory part of this review.)

I mean, reading this book with your brain on is like having an ongoing argument with the overly manly man meme...

So Beau and Edythe are discussing how much they’re worried about each other. Edythe says it’s totally not cool how much Beau is in to her and how dangerous it is, and Beau’s like I so don’t care and it’s too late, and then Edythe gets angry saying she can make things go back to the way they were. Then Beau narrates “I stared straight ahead, glad again for the scarf. My neck was a mass of crimson splotches, I was sure.” For fuck’s sake! No, no. Deep breaths. I’m not going to be mad about this anymore. It is futile. Instead I will pray to Stephenie Meyer: can Beau at least get a bone-colored Fedora to match the bone-colored scarf?

Also, anyone who’s read Twilight knows about those grrrreat descriptions. A good example from this chapter is: “Her voice burned with real regret.” You know, none of that fake regret crap. Also, how tortured must a voice sound before you describe it as “burned”?

Also, Beau tries to kiss Edythe, but before I say what happens I would like to say: one impromptu mushroom ravioli Hey-are-you-a-vampire night out does not a date make. Thus, this was a pretty presumptuous kiss to attempt in the first place. Now for how she reacts:

“Suddenly her left hand was there, palm forward, an inch from my face, warning me back, and she was cringing against the car door, her eyes wide and frightened and her teeth clenched together.”

Vampire or not, that’s not normally a good reaction, buddy. Are we sure Edythe likes him? I know she’s supposed to like him, but her actions really don’t add up. It’s like Edythe is being compelled by her She-Jesus Stephenie Meyer to get with him, but as a character she really doesn’t want to. That’s just the vibe I’m getting anyway.

Edythe drops Beau off at his house. She promises to be at school tomorrow. After talking to his dad, Beau starts to feel dizzy and cold and so he thinks “Wouldn’t it be just like me if I did end up going into shock?” Mind you, dear reader, this is the same evening that Beau was almost MURDERED. Did we forget that with all that vampire-is-an icky-word talk? Oh, yes, this is the same evening as the crazy hobos with guns scene. Anyone, EVERYONE, would be in shock. Beau, this isn’t a isn’t-this-just-like-me moment, bud. This isn’t being clumsy or oh-so-pale as you always like to point out. This is shock. A common reaction. From people trying to MURDER YOU. I really cannot emphasis this enough, especially since the book doesn’t. Murder, people, is kind of a big thang.

Beau gets ready for bed shivering the whole way. He splashes hot water on himself. Somehow that makes him shiver. He gets into bed. He somehow makes the whole bed shake from his shivering. He takes a big whiff of Edythe’s scent from the bone-colored scarf — yep, that’s still a thing and remember it’s actually her brother’s scarf— and thinks about how much he loves her and how she is the only thing he would ever want. BARF.