Kelly Reads Twilight Reimagined Chapter 14

Last time on Kelly Reads Twilight Reimagined…

We discovered that:

-Beau likes to take unnecessary cold medicine

-Edythe turns into a disco ball in the sun

-Edythe gives Beau a piggyback ride

This time…

CHAPTER 14

Driving back home, Edythe talks to Beau about how old she is and how she and each of her other family members ended up as vampires. Of course, this reminds me that in Twilight Esme (Edward’s vampire mom) jumped off a cliff because her child died. I’ll be curious to see if Meyer keeps that part of the backstory now that Esme is a man named Earnest. All the other stories so far are the same, but Esme’s backstory seems the most gender-related so we’ll see…

When they get to Beau’s house, he’s starving so he starts eating some lasagna. They talk about what Edythe misses about being human, and she says that being able to sleep would be nice. Beau asks what she does during the night since she cannot sleep, and she tells him that she’s been coming to his house and watching him sleep. Like Bella, instead of being disturbed by this, Beau is only worried that he might’ve said some embarrassing things in his sleep. Granted, he did, but, personally, I think he has greater things to worry about like, I don’t know, a vampire who doesn’t understand personal boundaries?

Anywho, Beau’s dad comes home so Edythe skedaddles, but Beau realizes that she might still be in the house hiding out so he quickly eats his food and runs upstairs. As he predicted, Edythe is in his room. He asks for a human moment where he brushes his teeth and puts on his pajamas. Then, this odd little conversation happens:

“‘I’m not sure how I feel about that shirt,’ she said. Her voice was so quiet that I didn’t have any worries that Charlie [his dad] would hear us.

‘I can change.’

She rolled her eyes. ‘Not you wearing it — its entire existence.’ She reached out and brushed her fingers across the smiling pig. My pulse spiked, but she politely ignored that. ‘Should he be so happy to be food?’

I had to grin. ‘Well, we don’t know his side of the story, do we? He might have a reason to smile.’

She looked at me like she was doubting my sanity.

I reached out to hold her hand.”

Okay. I just googled smiling pig. It's kind of terrifying...

Beau, why????

So not only does this not happen in Twilight, I’m just so confused by what’s happening. At first, it seemed like Edythe was saying she didn’t like the shirt existing because she wanted Beau shirtless, but then it seems like she was offended by the content of the shirt which is a smiling pig. Granted, the first couple of times I read that line I thought Beau was referring himself to a smiling pig which would have been weird but with this book you never know. Plus, he is food to vampires so I could see it forcefully trying to fit that analogy in. Plus, who just has shirt that just has a smiling pig on it with no explanation?

Then, Beau makes the weird comment about the pig having a reason to smile, and Edythe looks like she is doubting his sanity to which I would like to add what else would she be doing and a oh-darling-Beau-us-readers-have-been-doubting-your-sanity-since-we-found-out-about-your-skin-condition. And then, just like that they move on to something else and this part of the conversation is never brought up again.

Then Beau notes to himself “My heart started beating…not faster exactly, but stronger somehow.”To which, I ask: unless you have a weak heart to begin with, how do you know your heart started beating stronger? How exactly do you measure that?

Edythe and Beau start talking about the gifts that vampires have such as Edythe’s ability to read minds and so on. God, I feel so sorry for vampires like Carine. You live with vampires who have the ability to read minds, influence emotions, and see the future and your ability is…compassion? Awww…poor thing…

Beau asks where did vampires come from and how they started. Edythe says she doesn’t know but suggests that there’s the possibility that they evolved just like any other species. Uh….except evolution doesn’t work like that. Dead things don’t evolve because…well, because they are, in fact, DEAD! Like, evolution happens to some species while others die out, but it’s not like your walking down the street and it’s like “Look, children! It’s an undead Tyrannosaurus Rex. Ooh, ah! So dead, so evolved, so advanced! I wonder if I can get it’s autograph?”

Edythe asks Beau, “‘is it so hard to believe that the same force that created the delicate angelfish with the shark, the baby seal and the killer whale, could create both our kinds together?’” Yes, yes, it is. However, Beau answers, “‘Let me get this straight — I’m the baby seal, right?’” which cracks me up.

Then our little baby seal asks about sex. Of course, since this is written by a Mormon, I’m completely dissatisfied and none of my questions are answered. ‘Cause, here’s my dirty mind thinking: if Edythe’s vagina is all vampire-y and not acting like a normal vagina (since vampire girls apparently cannot get pregnant but vampire men still have viable sperm), someone’s going to need a lot of lube. Instead, we get Edythe saying that, yes, vampires have urges too, and that sexy times probably won’t be in their future because Beau’s so fragile. Now, don’t worry! Edythe makes sure to worry about Beau’s manliness by saying, “I don’t mean that as an insult to your manliness, anyone human is fragile to me.” Whoo! Close call!

Now, I am glad that Beau, like Bella, has zero dating and sex experience. I was a little worried that since he’s a man that he somehow must have more experience. Of course, my relief doesn’t last long since apparently Beau has ten admirers at this school alone. TEN. How does he not have any dating experience yet? I mean, other than his personality? The chapter ends with Edythe humming a lullaby as Beau falls asleep.