A Wizard of Earthsea by Ursula K. Le Guin Review

Fiction

255 pages

Ged, the greatest sorcerer in all Earthsea, was called Sparrowhawk in his reckless youth. Hungry for power and knowledge, Sparrowhawk tampered with long-held secrets and loosed a terrible shadow upon the world. This is the tale of his testing, how he mastered the mighty words of power, tamed an ancient dragon, and crossed death's threshold to restore the balance.

Completion: I had to read this for class (which is the only reason I finished it). It wasn’t hard to read per se, but there wasn’t really anything to keep me going either. Such as a shame, since I’ve only heard great things about Ursula K. Le Guin and her writing.

Writing/Style: The story is written in a very legend or fairytale-esque style. Because of this, there is such a distance between the reader and the characters that it makes it hard to know them and become invested in them. The writing itself feels like a background chapter you might get on an already established character that we care about. Imagine if Dumbledore (minus the humor, cleverness, etc.) had a rushed book about his childhood without us knowing Dumbledore as this amazing wizardly father figure for Harry. Knowing J.K. Rowling, she would still probably manage to turn that into a good story, but I digress. This book just seems a little backward, giving us the background chapter/story without purpose or interest.

Characters: The characters felt like cardboard cutouts. I could never relate/sympathize/invest in Ged, the main character. We seem to do get all the negative qualities about him (anger, pride, etc.) without any of the positive qualities, quirks, interests, and so on that would make us care or root for him. As well, we were often told things about characters and their relationships rather than following those story threads along. We get only a line or two before a character is announced to be the antagonist, and we are told that Ged and Vetch become great friends but I never see that or believe it.

Plot/Pacing: This book felt like it was on fast-forward. As well, while I understand that Le Guin was attempting to write something new and avoid certain cliches of fantasy, in the end this book felt like the pinnacle of high fantasy stereotypes.

World-building/Atmosphere: It is clear that Ursula knows a lot about this world from the geography to the different cultures; however, I the reader didn’t. Places and cultures fly by so quickly and are so many that none had a lasting impression on me. I never had time to really sink in and discover these interesting tidbits because the pacing kept rushing the characters on and on like pieces on a chessboard. This is a shame because I feel that if it had slowed down this world could have been as interesting and thorough as Westoros from Game of Thrones (well, maybe not that as good as Westoros, but just giving an example of another book that has a TON of information about places, cultures, lore, etc.).

Sub-genres (Romance, Humor, Mystery, etc.): Due to the style, we did not get much in the way of romance, humor, and mystery. All of those things can only be done well if we know and care about the characters, but these elements seemed to have been sacrificed in the name of style. However, if one would argue that there is a mystery, then it was not well done because I saw the ending and message coming from a mile away.

FINAL VERDICT: The style keeps the reader at a distance, and the pace pushes the characters from one scene to the next without much in the way of character development, humor, romance, mystery, and so on. While there are some interesting aspects to this novel, unless you particularly like a legend or fairytale-esque style of story, I would give it a pass. Simply put, most modern readers expect more in the way of character and plot development than what this book gives. 

Kelly Reads Twilight Reimagined Chapters 22, 23, 24, and Epilogue

Last time on Kelly Reads Twilight Reimagined…

We discovered that:

-Beau distrusts alarm clocks

-Beau can clench his fists and stare at walls for hours

-Beau has mastered the blank, vacant expression

This time…

CHAPTER 22

The chapter begins with Beau asking, “‘What was it?’ I’d lost control of my voice — it was flat, uncaring.” Which is pretty impressive, if I do say so myself. Most people sound angry when they lose control of their voice, but not our baby seal. It goes flat and uncaring like a neglected can of soda. Then Jessamine stares at him. Beau tries to keep his expression “vacant”. Howwww?

This is what I imagine

Archie, Jessamine, and Beau try to act like everything is all cool when, in fact, everything is not cool. Beau answers everything “robotically” which isn’t even a word. My spell check suggests “robotic ally” which sounds much more intriguing than what is actually going on in this book. Beau then goes into his room and…pffft…gets his “sock full of money”. So from one of the earlier chapters we found out that Beau keeps a hoard of cash in a tube sock, but he brought the sock with him?

Beau writes a goodbye note to Edythe. Archie with his super-duper psychic powers somehow doesn’t see this. They go to the airport. Beau escapes them with the good ‘ol bathroom trick. (Jessamine cannot go inside the men’s restroom and apparently there’s a second exit.)

Beau hops on a shuttle and then in cab, and he’s gone. He makes it to his house and calls Joss. Joss tells him to her at the ballet studio. Beau decides to run to the ballet studio which is only around the corner from his home (even though Joss didn’t give him a deadline or anything to make him hurry).

Of course, he trips over his own feet several times and even falls down and scrapes his hands. Oh, boy. There’s a lot of falling and lurching and plunging going on in this scene. Beau sees the ballet studio and thinks, “I couldn’t run anymore — I couldn’t breathe; fear had gotten the best of me.” Fear had gotten the best of you? Dude, I think it was the sidewalk that got the best of you. Also, not to judge, but you ran less than a block and can’t breathe. That’s not fear, man. That’s being out of shape.

Beau reads that the dance studio was closed for spring break and opens the door. Inside, the air conditioner was thrumming. But…why? A business wouldn’t keep the air conditioning when they are closed. Are you telling me that Joss, an immortal vampire, needed the air conditioning on? To not get sweaty? Also, for some reason, the carpet is damp. Whyyyy? Nevermind. I don’t even want to know.

Then, “Terror seized me so strongly that I was literally trapped by it.” Literally. Guys. Literally. Like Terror takes on a physical form like an abominable snowman and seizes Beau from behind and starts laughing manically. At least, that’s how I like to imagine it, but, please, imagine your own scene.

Then Joss reveals herself and the trick she pulled on Beau. His mom was never there. She was just replaying a home movie of his mom’s voice. Super clever. Blah blah blah. They discuss whether Edythe will avenge him. Beau’s confused why Joss is explaining everything to him and thinks, “I didn’t feel the need to rub it in to every cheeseburger I conquered.”

When you can't find a good meme and think well this one will work I guess. 

You know, I’m so glad that in this climatic scene we had enough time to mention cheeseburgers. Also, conquered, Beau? You conquer cheeseburgers. What an ego!

Joss beats Beau up, breaking his arm and other bones. He vomits. She bites him. Same old, same old. However, Meyer had to make him seem more heroic so she has him somehow push through his pain to break the camera Joss had been filming on to antagonize Edythe into chasing her.

Then this last bit of the chapter is confusing, but it seems like Beau failed to break the camera but when Joss pushed him into a wall, he started bleeding more, so the chapter ends with him hoping that she won’t be able to resist his blood and she will just kill him.

CHAPTER 23

The chapter begins with “Another scream on top of mine— a shriek like a chainsaw cutting through rebar.” Which is pretty impressive if you ask me. Not only does the shriek sound like a chainsaw, but not just any chainsaw, a chainsaw cutting through rebar. Whatever the fuck that sounds like. Then there’s a “metallic snarl” — how???? Then a “thrumming growl” — I freakin’ give up. Is it just me or are all vampires related to chainsaws?

Then Edythe screams and apparently she still sounds like an angel. Somehow. I don’t know how, but I guess that doesn’t matter in this book.

The gang shows up. Edythe tries to suck Joss’ venom out of Beau, but unlike Edward who was determined and brave and able to stop drinking Bella’s blood, Edythe has to be slapped out of it by Archie. Archie says it’s too late, and there’s only two futures left: one where Beau becomes a vampire and one where he dies. They ask Beau. Beau, of course, says he wants to be a vampire so he can be with Edythe.

The chapter ends with Edythe biting his neck to make the transformation faster.

What a shame. I was so hoping to see Beau pregnant with an evil vampire spawn.

I should probably be more shocked, but I’m not.

CHAPTER 24

Edythe and gang chuck Beau’s ass in a car and start their drive back to Forks, I’m guessing, because they don’t quite say. Beau’s going through the most horrific pain in the history of ever soooo naturally Edythe and Archie decide it’s time for a little exposition. Let’s make sure to educate the patient as they are going in and out of consciousness, everyone!

Also, while I appreciate the fact that Edythe is considerate enough to tell Beau that he doesn’t have to stay with her just because he’s a vampire now, does she really have no qualms or morals about Beau eating people? You see, she snaps at Archie when he suggests that the Cullens will be expecting a lot out of him (not eating people), and Edythe says, “I won’t hold him to that. He didn’t choose this. He’s free to become whatever he wants to be.”

Uh…a murderer. Free to become a murderer. You know, regular humans are free to become that too. We just lock them away for it.

Edythe then warns him after taking a deep breath, “‘I should probably warn you about your eyes. They won’t be blue anymore.’ Another half-sob.”

GASP. What? No. Really? This is what we need to be worried about right now? Also, how do you half-sob? Like you start to sob, but then realize that what you are worried about is stupid so you stop halfway?

Now Edythe is telling Beau all the vampire rules he has to follow and about the Volturi, the evil secret vampires that rule on hearsay and tattle-talers. Also, Edythe is so overly emotional in this scene that every five seconds Archie has to tell her to stop being emotional. Which is not helpful. Which is rude. And also I don’t think Edward ever got this emotional even when he was ripping out Bella’s uterus so…where is this coming from? Oh, right. Having a vagina means you are inherently more emotional.

Then, “She talked all night without a break, until the sun came up and I could see her face again.” All night? Without a break? Jeez! Why?!!!

Uh…also if I remember Twilight correctly then that means Stephanie Meyer completely rewrote the backstory of the Volturi. So I remember Aro (the leader with the weird ass laugh if you’ve watched the movies) killed his sister who was his friend Marcus’ wife. HOWEVER, it is now saying that Aro’s wife Sulpicia witnessed the murder, tattled on her husband Aro, found a girl that can suck out vampire powers, and then had Aro killed. Whoa. Talk about a rewrite much. However, I think this change is so silly and pointless and so forced in this context that I’m just going to skip it.

They make it back to the Cullen house, and they are just leisurely telling stories now. Dude, when I’m in pain, like regular human pain and shit, I cannot hardly focus, and you are telling me that this supernatural vampire fire pain is SOOOO BAD that he can be moved about, put in a car for hours on end, told important information that he is expected to remember, and listen to stories for the heck of it???

They tell Beau about the werewolves and Jessamine’s backstory. But Earnest’s/Esme’s story is the real doosey. Esme had a baby boy who died so she jumped off a cliff. In Earnest’s story he had an unstable, alcoholic wife who jumps off a cliff in a DRUNKEN RAMPAGE with his daughter (who he loved more than his own soul). What? Who? When? How? Why? WHAT?! Seriously? Who jumps off a cliff in a drunken rampage? Why did his backstory have to change at all? This feels so sexist to me…

Also, Royal/Rosalie gets a new backstory. Apparently, he was going to marry a beautiful girl and become heir to her dynasty, but then he was between to death by her lover from a rival criminal syndicate. Righhttttt….

Two pages of the fire in his body. Then he’s full vamp. Then AHA! We come full circle as he sees that his eyes are no longer undecided and “they were suddenly more resolved.” I don’t know about you, but I’m so glad that plot point became resolved. I know you were worried about it too. Don’t lie. You were thinking, “Well, that’s all fine and good and all, but, Kelly, what about his unresolved eyes? Will they ever be resolved?” I know, I know. Closure and it feels so good. 

Beau and Edythe go outside to go hunting. Edythe still can’t read Beau’s mind. Edythe thinks Beau’s going to yell at her for turning him into a vampire. She’s wrong. Then we get this little nauseating scene:

“‘Beau, you are amazing.’

‘I guess I am now.

You always have been.’”

BARF. Then Beau tries to be nice by saying that if Edythe ever gets tired of her that he will leave, but when she tries to object he just covers her mouth with his hand. Not to get all Full House up in here, but…

Luckily, oddly, thankfully, Edythe addresses this with, “‘You’re lucky I didn’t bite you…The next time you put your hand on my mouth to say something so completely idiotic — and insulting — I will.’”

Then they skip off into the forests to kill Bambi.

EPILOGUE: AN OCCASION

So you might be wondering if the “occasion” is some forced way to fit in Renesme or a meeting with the Volturi. It’s not. Beau and Edythe are from a distance “attending” his own funeral. Apparently, Archie and Eleanor STOLE A BODY to fake Beau’s death by having his truck crash and burn. Oh, but that’s just glossed over. No big deal, right?

Beau’s describing the graveside service by announcing who all is there and who is wearing what. He notices quite a few of his classmates there and thinks so so eloquently, “It probably made them think about their own mortality and all of that.” Then Beau talks about “the reverend giving some kind of speech — a sermon? — my mom and dad…” Whoa, there. Are you sure this isn’t a rough draft? Why it so important that Beau doesn’t know what a sermon is and has to guess that that is what it is just to make that awkward hiccup of a sentence? Why???

Then Beau asks what Edythe would have done if he hadn’t turned into a vampire. Much like Edward, she planned to keep him human and stay with him as he aged and died. Beau tells her that would have been a horrible idea because people would think he was her dad/granddad and he would probably be locked up. Edythe then smiles and says, “That wouldn’t have bothered me. And if anyone had locked you up, I would have busted you out.” And that wouldn’t have broken the Volturi rules? 

Yep. That’s it. You are both so stupid that they deserve each other. Thankfully, they can never breed in this version.

Stephanie Meyer is practicing winking to the camera now. Beau’s thinking out load of how much better it would have been if they had graduated together, had a big wedding where everyone was invited, give really sappy speeches, and then go away to a school somewhere far away. So…the original Twilight. We get it, we get it.

Then Edythe chimes in that would only end in a double funeral (a fake one for her and him). Then Beau talks about maybe he could control his vampire hunger and visit his parents. Edythe is dubious and rolls her eyes saying that then they would have to worry about never aging and getting on the bad side of the Volturi and how that wouldn’t end well. They agree there is no other version. OH, THE IRONY. I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE, MEYER. SO CLEVER.

Then there’s a big hubbub because the Quileute werewolves think that the Cullens broke the treaty and seriously all of this shouldn’t be going on in an epilogue. You are supposed to wrap shit up, not start new shit. Jeez. Beau awkwardly explains that the Cullens didn’t break the treaty. The werewolves want to rendezvous later with them. Archie is terrified because he cannot see the future with werewolves involved.

Then things go down like this:

BONNIE: You broke the treaty.

EDYTHE: We didn’t break the treaty.

BEAU: They didn’t break the treaty.

BONNIE: I guess they didn’t break the treaty. But I don’t like it.

CARINE: Let’s be friends.

BONNIE: No.

Then, Beau asks if Bonnie will take care of his dad and tell Jules the truth about him. THEN, it seems to hint that Jules was there because this unnamed tall girl with short hair starts shedding a tear over this. In which case, WHY IN THE EVER LOVING FUCK CAN’T BEAU RECOGNIZE HIS OWN FUCKING FRIEND? Seriously? SERIOUSLY? She had a growth spurt and a haircut and suddenly she is unrecognizable.

Blah blah blah. Edythe is surprised that Beau didn’t eat Bonnie because he's a newborn vampire, and then they skip their sparkly asses off into the sunset.

...

IT’S FINALLY OVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

I did it. I finally finished Twilight Reimagined. Thanks for sticking with me. Ugh. I'm so done. I need a drink, but alas it is a school day. Bye, ya'll. 

Kelly Reads Twilight Reimagined Chapters 20 and 21

Last time on Kelly Reads Twilight Reimagined…

We discovered that:

-Beau uses tube socks

-Red blotches + being a loner + tube socks = drugs

-Beau can sandblast his own throat

This time…

CHAPTER 20

The chapter begins with “When I woke up, I was confused.” Let’s be honest, Beau. When are you not confused?

As well, we get a description of the hotel that makes me feel that Stephenie Meyer hadn’t been to a hotel in quite a while before the success of Twilight. We are told that “The room was too bland to belong anywhere but a hotel. The bedside lamps were bolted to the tables, and the drapes were made from the same fabric as the bedspread.”

So not only have I never been to a hotel like this (personally it sounds more like a shady motel), but this boy knows that the bedspread and the drapes are made out of the exact same fabric. Not color. Not pattern. But fabric? This boy just woke his little ass up, confused, because don’t forget the chapter starts “When I woke up, I was confused”, but he now has the astute observations of an interior designer? Uh huh…

Archie (Alice), Jessamine (Jasper), and Beau made it to Phoenix, Arizona the day before. Beau recaps the drive. He looks over at the digital alarm clock where “The red numbers claimed it was three o’clock”. Claimed? It claimed it was three o’clock? This might be a small thing, but why so distrustful of digital clocks? It’s a hotel. I’m sure their clocks would be reasonably around the right time.

Archie gives updates on what is happening with the others. He explains his psychic abilities. Archie tells Beau that vampires have a venom that turn people into vampires. I could talk about the weirdness of that, but it’s in the original Twilight, and I’m sure that’s been talked about enough as is. Then Archie gets a vision that Joss (James) is took a plane and is now waiting in a room full of mirrors. Edythe and gang believe that Joss is flying back down to Forks after having been chased up to Vancouver.

Beau recognizes the description and realizes it to be the ballet studio that his mother used to teach dance lessons at. Now, this is the tricky thing about gender-bending. Are guys less likely to participate in feminine activities like ballet? Yes. However, part of gender-bending depends on knowing your character and knowing how that character would change according to being a different gender and living in a society that treats genders differently.

Yet, we have a protagonist that is known for not caring what other people think of her in Twilight. Wouldn’t that quality be the same if she were male? Or what having a mother who didn’t gender-bend who is quirky and a little bit off? Doesn’t she seem like the type that might have her son participate in her dance lessons?

I don’t know. I wouldn’t be so against this choice if the rest of the book hadn’t blatantly shown me that Beau is more masculine and manly simply because he is a dude and the world revolves around his need to be manly. Instead of blushing, he has a skin condition. Instead of realizing he is outmatched by vampires, he thinks he can protect his vampire girlfriend. Instead of a group of guys cornering him, he has a group of hobos with guns trying to kill him. And, alas, where are those hobos now? (I really want them to figure into the climax somehow.)

Beau tells them that the dance studio that Archie saw in his vision is right in Phoenix. What a coinkydink!Worried for his mom, he calls her phone, but she doesn’t answer. The chapter ends with Beau falling asleep, waiting for the phone to ring.

CHAPTER 21

Archie gets another vision of Joss, and Beau recognizes that Joss is in his mom’s house. Archie calls Edythe and tells Beau that Edythe is coming down and that Beau is going to be hidden away for “a while”. Of course, Beau is not worried that his life is essentially being put on hold, but worried about Edythe. God love him.

Thankfully, Jessamine uses her emotion ability to knock him the fuck out. Nightie night. For a minute. Then Beau acts like a baby and goes to his room and slams the door. ** rolls eyes ** While Jessamine didn’t fully put Beau to sleep, I appreciate Jessamine’s attempt enough not to question how an emotion ability can put someone to sleep (but if you want to feel free).

Then this really exciting thing happens: nothing. Don’t believe me? Here you go: “For almost four hours I sat on the floor and stared at the wall, my hands clenched into fists.” 

Four hours? Four freakin’ hours?! He literally could have better spent the time sleeping, and at this point, I would have been more interested. But don’t worry, even though he is doing nothing from staring at the wall, he is manly! Look at those clenched fists! They are so clenched! They are so…fist-y?

Beau then comes to the conclusion that “Maybe, if I could see her face again, I would be able to see a solution, too. Things were clearer when we were together.” Did you catch that? Do you understand what the problem is? Let me repeat it: “Things were clearer when we were together.” Uh…wasn’t the point of the last 330 pages to prove that things are not, in fact, clearer when you two are together?

Such as, I don’t know, not finding Edythe’s stalking scary or thinking you can take on a vampire. When, you might ask? Any of them. All of them. Pick a time. Pick a vampire. Remember, Beau, you are a baby seal. Baby. Seal.

Or maybe, I don’t know, this:

“Actually, I had no idea if I was [hungry]. My whole body felt like it was being electrocuted in a strange and very pleasant way. My nerves couldn’t process more than that.”

Or, I DON’T KNOW, THISSSSS….

“Honestly, almost being murdered was not the most interesting thing that had happened to me tonight, and I hadn’t really thought much about it.”

Anywho! Beau gets that fated call from Joss when for those who don’t know from Twilight Beau/Bella thinks that their mother is in danger because of Joss/James and agrees to sneak away from the Cullens into Joss’s clutches. When Beau first hears Joss, he describes her voice as “a soft alto voice, a very pleasant, generic voice — the kind of voice that you heard in the background of luxury car commercials.” How oddly specific? That description literally recalls nothing for me. Can ya’ll hear what that voice is supposed to sound like? Okay, I’m checking to see what it says for James in Twilight. Huh. It’s the same. Except he has a tenor voice. Weird. I guess I just forgot all about his generic luxury car commercial background voice. Or repressed it. Or something.

Also, why cannot vampires hear people on the other side of call? I don’t even have super-hearing powers, and I can often do that. Plus, spoilers, haha, Joss is using a recording of Beau’s mom sounding frantic so are you telling me that someone sounding extra loud and upset cannot be heard by the super-duper hearing undead creatures? Like seriously? Okay? Okay.

Now, I always thought that James was pretty clever and funny. Joss has the same lines so that was nice. Now back to the rest of this crap fest. Beau thinks: “My decision was made.” Then why in the ever loving fuck can Archie not see it? The common excuse for this series is “Oh, they haven’t made up their mind” but oh, look, there’s a mind that looks pretty freakin’ made. Decision. Made. Seems pretty straightforward. (Plus, wouldn’t you have to make a decision not to make a decision to confuse the psychic? I don’t know anymore. Thank God this is almost over.)

Of course, Beau seems more worried about Jessamine’s power and is worried when she will come back. Beau reenters the room with a blank look on his face. Archie has a vision and starts freaking out. Jessamine returns. Archie’s face is blank but also empty? Jessamine’s face is blank. Basically, everyone’s face is blank because Meyer has given up describing people’s faces.

The chapter ends with Archie saying he saw Beau in his vision. Nuh duh. I wonder…did he have a blank face in it? Did he have blank faced children in it? I suppose we will find out next time. 

Kelly Reads Twilight Reimagined Chapters 18 and 19

Last time on Kelly Reads Twilight Reimagined…

We discovered that:

-Archie gives one-armed bro hugs

-Vampires play baseball

-Beau feels like a Neanderthal

This time…

CHAPTER 18

The vampire vistors arrive. The woman in front is the beautiful. The man was wild-looking. Sadly, the second woman had a “forgettable face”. Even for a vampire? Remember in this universe all vampires supposed to be unbelievably beautiful. Ahhh…poor thing.

The vampires figure out that Beau is human. Edythe steps in front of him and growls at the other vampires. Then, our stupid Beau thinks “I wanted to pull her back — this Joss vampire wasn’t messing around — but I could guess exactly how well that would go over. She’d told me to stay still, so I would…unless someone tried to hurt her.”

For fuck’s sake, Beau, they are vampires. She’s a vampire. He’s a vampire. What do you think you are going to do that she cannot do a hundred times better? You saw her throw a freakin’ boulder, and you still think that you should step in the middle of a vampire throw-down? **shakes head** Edythe? Edythe, darling. Just go ahead and eat him. You have my permission. The story can just end with: Then I came to my senses and ate him. He was a bit stringy. THE END.

Alas, it does not end like that. Yet. Fingers crossed this happens later.

Anywho, Edythe, Beau, Eleanor, and Archie drive away in the Jeep and come up with a plan where Beau tells his father Charlie that his going back to Phoenix to trick the tracker vampire and keep his father safe.

CHAPTER 19

Beau races into his house acting all angry. He marches into his room and “Then I shoved my hand between the mattress and box spring, searching till I found the knotted tub sock with my cash hoard.” HA! Excuse me, when I think of teenage boys and tube socks, my first thought isn’t a “cash hoard”.

Also, how does this boy have a cash hoard? A hoard of cash? Last time I checked there has been no mention of him having a job, and even if he did he would be making minimum wage. As a poor college student, I completely object to a teenage boy having a cash hoard when I do not!

Also, Beau’s yelling to his dad about how he broke up with Edythe because he liked her too much, and, boy, do I love poor, oblivious Charlie who asks, “Are you doing drugs, Beau?” Drugs? That was the only thing you could thing of, Mr. Cop? Drugs? Well, now that I think about it if my teenage son raced to his room and started whipping out tube socks I guess I would be a smidge confused too.

Red blotches + being a loner + tube socks = drugs

Edythe and Beau are discussing what they plan to do with the other vampires. Beau asks if Joss and Victor (James and Victoria) will be trying to kill Edythe which is pretty much the most DUH question I’ve heard yet. But after he asks this question we get another raw voice simile which compares it to….drum roll please… “like I’d sandblasted the back of my throat.” Wait. What? He “sandblasted” his own throat. Not his throat got “sandblasted”, but he did the “sandblast”-ing?

Okay so I looked it up and “sandblasted” is actually a real word. It means:

SANDBLAST

1. A stream of sand projected by compressed air (as for engraving, cutting, or cleaning glass or stone)

2. To clean, polish, or decorate the surface of (something) by spraying sand on it with a powerful machine

These descriptions are just a doosey. I now imagine Beau trying to wrap his mouth around a machine so he can sandblast himself. What a duffus, amiright?

So Beau swaps clothes with Earnest to confuse the tracker by scent. The group divides up into teams. Edythe and Beau kiss in which “For the shortest second, her lips were icy and hard against mine. Then it was over.” The shortest second, you know, that one second that is shorter than every other second. The runt of the second litters. This book, man. Also, is it just me or this doesn’t sound romantic in the slightest? Last time I checked I don’t want my kisses to be icy or hard. Then Edythe leaves.

Plus knowing our Beau he had to add an extra something that wasn’t in Twilight: “It felt like someone had ripped all the skin off my face. My eyes burned.” Jesus! Are we sure this isn’t a horror story? Are we sure that this isn’t a PSA announcement to the parents out there that red blotches + being a loner + tube socks actually equals vampires and not drugs? Also, can I admire the dedication Meyer has put into this male character. He’s not crying, ya’ll; his eyes are burning. No big deal. No crying by a man here. Just some normal eye burning.

The chapter ends with Beau leaving Edythe’s house in Archie’s arms.

Kelly Reads Twilight Reimagined Chapter 15, 16, and 17

Last time on Kelly Reads Twilight Reimagined…

We discovered that:

-The smiling pig has a reason to smile

-Beau is a baby seal

-Beau somehow has ten admirers

This time…

CHAPTER 15

Beau wakes up the next day and takes a shower. Edythe is still there because Charlie has already left for the day. Beau realizes that he forgot to bring his clothes to the bathroom so he “tucked the towel securely around my waist and then marched into the hall with my face blazing red. Even better — the patch of red on my chest was exposed, too.” How is his chest blushing? Seriously, his red patches can only be explained now with a skin condition. Maybe in the sequel he’ll go to a dermatologist.

Edythe wants Beau to meet her family today. Beau is worried not because it’s a family of vampires but because he’s not sure if they will like him. Edythe and Beau make out and Beau faints for a second. Why? He “kind of forgot to breathe”. As you do?

Edythe drives them to her house. Beau sees Earnest for the first time and thinks “There was something really…kind about his face, but I couldn’t put my finger on what it was that made me think that.” Some of you might find this nitpicking, but descriptions like this just make a book seem unfinished. It seems like a placeholder I would put in a story for when I couldn’t think of how to describe something.

Archie comes down the stairs and gives Beau “one of those one-armed bro-hugs”. Is that what they are called? Because I think I might just call them that now. Come on, bro-man-bro, give me a bro-hug for the road.

Edythe plays a piece on the piano that she made just for Beau. Her family disappears to give them privacy. Edythe tells Beau that Archie saw other vampires coming into town. Edythe tells Beau Carine’s (Carlisle’s) backstory which is different from Twilight. In Twilight, Carlisle reluctantly takes up his pastor father’s position to find vampires and through his own cleverness finds a coven of them. Unfortunately, in the process, one weak, hungry vampire feeds on him instead of escaping and Carlisle is turned into a vampire while in hiding.

In Twilight Reimagined, Carlisle is now a woman named Carine who only argues against her father’s position on vampires in vain. Her father destroys the sewer area where the vampires had been living and as revenge one vampire follows him home, turns his daughter Carine into a vampire (because she was the thing he loved the most), and kills him.

On one hand, I understand why the story must be different. As a woman in that time, Carine most likely would not be allowed to take up her father’s position and so on. However, Carlisle’s cleverness and agency (for finding the vampires his father could not) is not replaced with anything in Carine. She becomes a passive character in her own story. The revenge plays out as if she were an object too. Furthermore, this changed backstory does not add up with what Carine does later: make other vampires. Carlisle’s story left room for forgiveness. The vampire that attacked him was weak and hungry and attacked by humans. If anythings, his actions could fall under self defense.

But in Carine’s story the vampire comes to their house for revenge. He forces her father to watch him turn Carine and then Carine is forced to watch her father die. How could she forgive such malicious actions? How could she later on ever thing it was right to change someone into a monster like that? I think this change adds new issues to the story, to be honest.

The chapter ends with Edythe taking Beau to Carine to finish the story.

CHAPTER 16

Apparently, not then. Carine says she would stay and tell the story but she has to go to work. Edythe shows Beau some paintings and continues the story with Beau interrupting with questions. Like Carlisle, Carine discovers she can live off of animals and begins to study and travel. However, during that time it would be unusual for a woman to be traveling alone, but this isn’t mentioned.

Edythe then talks about how Carine spent some time with the Volturi but left after a few decades. She said Carine was lonely and so when she saw Edythe dying alone during the Spanish influenza she turned her. Edythe shows off her room. Archie says there will be a storm and that they should play baseball. You know because that's how vampires spend their immortal lives. 

Which now that I think about it doesn’t really make sense. Yes, I get that they hit so loud that they need thunder to cover it up, but wouldn’t they be constantly replacing bats? Wouldn’t the balls fall to bits and leave nothing to catch? Just saying.

The chapter ends with them agreeing to play baseball.

CHAPTER 17

Edythe drives Beau home and they see that Bonnie and Jules Black are in the driveway. Edythe leaves and Beau convinces Bonnie not to tell Charlie the truth about the Cullens. I wonder how different the book would have been if Bonnie had told. It’s moments like this where I feel the author goes too easy on the main character. The point of a story is to keep pushing the main character, but I feel like Bella/Beau slips away from almost everything.

Beau tells Charlie that Edythe is his girlfriend and feels “a strange sense of pride, being able to claim her this way. Kind of Neanderthal of me, but there it was.” The idea of claiming people in relationships has always been off to me. I guess Meyer kind of scoots past this with the Neanderthal comment but just barely.

Edythe comes over and Charlie gets to meet her. Beau and Edythe drive off. Beau has to hop on her back again so she can run them into the clearing. Everyone but Earnest and Beau start playing baseball. In Earnest’s story, he jumps off a cliff because his two year old daughter died (instead of a days old boy). It seems odd that his wife isn’t mentioned at all though…

They continue to play ball. I still find it weird that when the Cullens collide it apparently sounds like “the crash of two massive falling boulders”. I mean, jeez…Then Archie realizes that the vampire vistors are heading their way. They are worried for Beau’s safety, but continue playing hoping to show that everything is normal and that is how the chapter ends. 

Here's hoping that the vampire vistors kill Beau.

Kelly Reads Twilight Reimagined Chapter 14

Last time on Kelly Reads Twilight Reimagined…

We discovered that:

-Beau likes to take unnecessary cold medicine

-Edythe turns into a disco ball in the sun

-Edythe gives Beau a piggyback ride

This time…

CHAPTER 14

Driving back home, Edythe talks to Beau about how old she is and how she and each of her other family members ended up as vampires. Of course, this reminds me that in Twilight Esme (Edward’s vampire mom) jumped off a cliff because her child died. I’ll be curious to see if Meyer keeps that part of the backstory now that Esme is a man named Earnest. All the other stories so far are the same, but Esme’s backstory seems the most gender-related so we’ll see…

When they get to Beau’s house, he’s starving so he starts eating some lasagna. They talk about what Edythe misses about being human, and she says that being able to sleep would be nice. Beau asks what she does during the night since she cannot sleep, and she tells him that she’s been coming to his house and watching him sleep. Like Bella, instead of being disturbed by this, Beau is only worried that he might’ve said some embarrassing things in his sleep. Granted, he did, but, personally, I think he has greater things to worry about like, I don’t know, a vampire who doesn’t understand personal boundaries?

Anywho, Beau’s dad comes home so Edythe skedaddles, but Beau realizes that she might still be in the house hiding out so he quickly eats his food and runs upstairs. As he predicted, Edythe is in his room. He asks for a human moment where he brushes his teeth and puts on his pajamas. Then, this odd little conversation happens:

“‘I’m not sure how I feel about that shirt,’ she said. Her voice was so quiet that I didn’t have any worries that Charlie [his dad] would hear us.

‘I can change.’

She rolled her eyes. ‘Not you wearing it — its entire existence.’ She reached out and brushed her fingers across the smiling pig. My pulse spiked, but she politely ignored that. ‘Should he be so happy to be food?’

I had to grin. ‘Well, we don’t know his side of the story, do we? He might have a reason to smile.’

She looked at me like she was doubting my sanity.

I reached out to hold her hand.”

Okay. I just googled smiling pig. It's kind of terrifying...

Beau, why????

So not only does this not happen in Twilight, I’m just so confused by what’s happening. At first, it seemed like Edythe was saying she didn’t like the shirt existing because she wanted Beau shirtless, but then it seems like she was offended by the content of the shirt which is a smiling pig. Granted, the first couple of times I read that line I thought Beau was referring himself to a smiling pig which would have been weird but with this book you never know. Plus, he is food to vampires so I could see it forcefully trying to fit that analogy in. Plus, who just has shirt that just has a smiling pig on it with no explanation?

Then, Beau makes the weird comment about the pig having a reason to smile, and Edythe looks like she is doubting his sanity to which I would like to add what else would she be doing and a oh-darling-Beau-us-readers-have-been-doubting-your-sanity-since-we-found-out-about-your-skin-condition. And then, just like that they move on to something else and this part of the conversation is never brought up again.

Then Beau notes to himself “My heart started beating…not faster exactly, but stronger somehow.”To which, I ask: unless you have a weak heart to begin with, how do you know your heart started beating stronger? How exactly do you measure that?

Edythe and Beau start talking about the gifts that vampires have such as Edythe’s ability to read minds and so on. God, I feel so sorry for vampires like Carine. You live with vampires who have the ability to read minds, influence emotions, and see the future and your ability is…compassion? Awww…poor thing…

Beau asks where did vampires come from and how they started. Edythe says she doesn’t know but suggests that there’s the possibility that they evolved just like any other species. Uh….except evolution doesn’t work like that. Dead things don’t evolve because…well, because they are, in fact, DEAD! Like, evolution happens to some species while others die out, but it’s not like your walking down the street and it’s like “Look, children! It’s an undead Tyrannosaurus Rex. Ooh, ah! So dead, so evolved, so advanced! I wonder if I can get it’s autograph?”

Edythe asks Beau, “‘is it so hard to believe that the same force that created the delicate angelfish with the shark, the baby seal and the killer whale, could create both our kinds together?’” Yes, yes, it is. However, Beau answers, “‘Let me get this straight — I’m the baby seal, right?’” which cracks me up.

Then our little baby seal asks about sex. Of course, since this is written by a Mormon, I’m completely dissatisfied and none of my questions are answered. ‘Cause, here’s my dirty mind thinking: if Edythe’s vagina is all vampire-y and not acting like a normal vagina (since vampire girls apparently cannot get pregnant but vampire men still have viable sperm), someone’s going to need a lot of lube. Instead, we get Edythe saying that, yes, vampires have urges too, and that sexy times probably won’t be in their future because Beau’s so fragile. Now, don’t worry! Edythe makes sure to worry about Beau’s manliness by saying, “I don’t mean that as an insult to your manliness, anyone human is fragile to me.” Whoo! Close call!

Now, I am glad that Beau, like Bella, has zero dating and sex experience. I was a little worried that since he’s a man that he somehow must have more experience. Of course, my relief doesn’t last long since apparently Beau has ten admirers at this school alone. TEN. How does he not have any dating experience yet? I mean, other than his personality? The chapter ends with Edythe humming a lullaby as Beau falls asleep. 

Kelly Reads Twilight Reimagined Chapter 12 and 13

Last time on Kelly Reads Twilight Reimagined…

We discovered that:

-Edythe gets catty and has a voice like raw silk

-Beau’s eyes are the culprits but luckily all his bones are shaped the same underneath his skin??!!

-Beau turns into a soap opera character

This time…

CHAPTER 12

Jules and her mom Bonnie hang out with Charlie and Beau as they watch “the game”. What game you may ask? Baseball? Football? Basketball? Soccer? Who knows! It’s the game.

Beau makes grilled cheese. Beau talks to Jules about cars. Beau is worried that Jules’ mom will tell Charlie that Edythe is a vampire. She doesn’t. Exciting, no?

Charlie tells Beau that he has a fishing trip planned the same day Beau says he’ll be in Seattle (but is really going to watch Edythe sparkle). Anyway, Charlie says that if Beau wants to postpone his trip to Seattle to wait for someone to go with him then Charlie will cancel his fishing plans. Which is weird. It made more sense when the character was a girl because…well, the obvious reasons: sexism and the danger of women being alone in a society with our rape culture. Granted, Beau had an awful experience with armed hobos, but Charlie doesn’t know that.

But before we get to the next chapter with the sparkling reveal, we get…drum roll…another boring day at school! YAY! Edythe and Beau confirm their plans for Saturday. Most of this is the exact same as Twilight though I am amused that Rosalie (now Royal) is in the cafeteria hissing at Edythe and Beau and no one thinks anything of it.

Edythe leaves early to hunt, and Beau thinks about ditching class but thinks better of it because he wouldn’t want people to be suspicious of Edythe if she ever accidentally killed him. He’s, you know, considerate like that? I know I always try to make it as easy as possible for my kinda vampire girlfriend to get away with killing me. However, this is nothing new. Bella did this too.

Beau keeps his dad out of the loop of his real plans for Saturday. He then imagines what it would be like to be killed by a vampire. After a while of thinking and doing laundry, he’s “relieved when it was late enough to be acceptable for bedtime…[and] deliberately took unnecessary cold medicine — the kind that knocked me out for a good eight hours”.

I say, what a rebel. That’s our Beau. Fighting off dangerous hobos, thinking too hard while doing laundry, and taking unnecessary cold medicine. Go, you?

Edythe and Beau drive to a forest and then hike their way to the meadow. Even if you haven’t read the books, you know the meadow because the meadow was in every single trailer for the movies, I swear. As Beau walks behind Edythe he describes her: “I’d never seen so much of her skin. Her pale arms, her slim shoulders, the fragile-looking twigs of her collarbones, the vulnerable hollows above them, the swanlike column of her neck, the gentle swell of her breasts — don’t stare, don’t stare — and the ribs I could nearly count under the thin cotton.” Now, even when I read Twilight in middle school, I knew that its version of vampiric beauty fell under Western beauty standards and norms; however, now that I’m Edythe’s beauty descriptions I realize now that on top of it being very narrow-minded and racist it also doesn’t make much sense.

For those who’ve read Breaking Dawn, the vampires in this world don’t just have a glamour that make them look beautiful.Their bodies literally reshape themselves into their most beautiful form. However, it wasn’t always considered beautiful to be skinny. Even in Western culture there were times when having a more voluptuous figure was beautiful because it signified wealth and power. Just another thing that now bothers me with the lack of research in this mythology…

Anyway, they make it to the meadow and the chapter ends with Edythe about to step into the sunlight.

CHAPTER 13

Edythe sparkles! Shocker. Beau runs toward her afraid she was going to catch on fire which is sad that he has so little faith in her, really. Yes, she’s totally going to commit suicide Beau to demonstrate what happens to her in sunlight. That makes sense. Then Edythe gets all emo and asks, “Aren’t you repulsed by my flagrant lack of humanity?” Uh…girl, you didn’t murder his father or turn into a bat. You sparkled. Just sparkled. A disco ball can do that.

Most this scene is the same as Twilight. Edythe explains how appealing Beau’s scent is. She compares it to ice cream, alcohol, and heroine. However, Edward does say that if he were to kill Bella he would miss her blushing, but that was cut in this version so it seems like Edythe doesn’t like Beau’s rashes after all. Of course, we also still get the lion fell in love with the lamb line. Overall, this scene isn’t too bad. A bit unrealistic, but, hell, it’s Twilight.

Of course, it then transitions into a weird touchy-feely game. Edythe leans over and rests her head on Beau’s chest to listen to his heart. Edward does the same with Bella FYI. However, when it’s Beau’s turn he traces Edythe’s face and then decides to caress down her body and wraps her into a hug. He then realizes that “She wasn’t breathing”, but apparently that doesn’t cue him in that he should stop. Instead, he decides to press his face into her hair and take a big whiff like a weirdo. Now, Bella’s nice enough to stop because of “not wanting to push him too far” unlike someone else that we know.

YASSSSSSSSS! Meyer might have denied me seeing Edythe carry Beau to the nurse’s office, but she was wise enough to keep this in!!!!!! So after all the oh-you-sparkle touchy-feely meadow stuff, Edythe asks Beau if he wants to experience how a vampire travels at extreme speed. Beau asks how, and Edythe cracks me up by replying, “Surely you’re familiar with the concept of a piggyback ride?” Beau is trying to come up with every excuse not to and suddenly Edythe is carrying boulder like “Bitch, I think I can carry your puny ass.”

So, Beau is finally on her back and “My face was burning, and I knew I must look like a gorilla on a greyhound.” Pffffttt HAHAHAHA! What an odd description! I wonder if she means the dog or the bus for this simile! Edythe starts running and once again we get Meyer’s great prose of “She streaked through the forest like a bullet, like a ghost.” Streaked? Really? Streaked? That was the best word she could think of? Okay, okay. So I know what she means. She shot through the forest like a bullet. I got that part. But like a ghost? Are ghosts really known for their speed? Are they known for streaking through forests? Ugh. Now I’m imagining naked ghosts. Moving on!

They make it back to the car. Beau can hardly breathe from traveling that fast. Edythe kisses Beau. The chapter ends with Edythe deciding to drive them home because Beau is “intoxicated by my very presence.”