Last time on Kelly Reads Twilight Reimagined…
We discovered that:
-Archie gives one-armed bro hugs
-Vampires play baseball
-Beau feels like a Neanderthal
This time…
CHAPTER 18
The vampire vistors arrive. The woman in front is the beautiful. The man was wild-looking. Sadly, the second woman had a “forgettable face”. Even for a vampire? Remember in this universe all vampires supposed to be unbelievably beautiful. Ahhh…poor thing.
The vampires figure out that Beau is human. Edythe steps in front of him and growls at the other vampires. Then, our stupid Beau thinks “I wanted to pull her back — this Joss vampire wasn’t messing around — but I could guess exactly how well that would go over. She’d told me to stay still, so I would…unless someone tried to hurt her.”
For fuck’s sake, Beau, they are vampires. She’s a vampire. He’s a vampire. What do you think you are going to do that she cannot do a hundred times better? You saw her throw a freakin’ boulder, and you still think that you should step in the middle of a vampire throw-down? **shakes head** Edythe? Edythe, darling. Just go ahead and eat him. You have my permission. The story can just end with: Then I came to my senses and ate him. He was a bit stringy. THE END.
Alas, it does not end like that. Yet. Fingers crossed this happens later.
Anywho, Edythe, Beau, Eleanor, and Archie drive away in the Jeep and come up with a plan where Beau tells his father Charlie that his going back to Phoenix to trick the tracker vampire and keep his father safe.
CHAPTER 19
Beau races into his house acting all angry. He marches into his room and “Then I shoved my hand between the mattress and box spring, searching till I found the knotted tub sock with my cash hoard.” HA! Excuse me, when I think of teenage boys and tube socks, my first thought isn’t a “cash hoard”.
Also, how does this boy have a cash hoard? A hoard of cash? Last time I checked there has been no mention of him having a job, and even if he did he would be making minimum wage. As a poor college student, I completely object to a teenage boy having a cash hoard when I do not!
Also, Beau’s yelling to his dad about how he broke up with Edythe because he liked her too much, and, boy, do I love poor, oblivious Charlie who asks, “Are you doing drugs, Beau?” Drugs? That was the only thing you could thing of, Mr. Cop? Drugs? Well, now that I think about it if my teenage son raced to his room and started whipping out tube socks I guess I would be a smidge confused too.
Red blotches + being a loner + tube socks = drugs
Edythe and Beau are discussing what they plan to do with the other vampires. Beau asks if Joss and Victor (James and Victoria) will be trying to kill Edythe which is pretty much the most DUH question I’ve heard yet. But after he asks this question we get another raw voice simile which compares it to….drum roll please… “like I’d sandblasted the back of my throat.” Wait. What? He “sandblasted” his own throat. Not his throat got “sandblasted”, but he did the “sandblast”-ing?
Okay so I looked it up and “sandblasted” is actually a real word. It means:
SANDBLAST
1. A stream of sand projected by compressed air (as for engraving, cutting, or cleaning glass or stone)
2. To clean, polish, or decorate the surface of (something) by spraying sand on it with a powerful machine
These descriptions are just a doosey. I now imagine Beau trying to wrap his mouth around a machine so he can sandblast himself. What a duffus, amiright?
So Beau swaps clothes with Earnest to confuse the tracker by scent. The group divides up into teams. Edythe and Beau kiss in which “For the shortest second, her lips were icy and hard against mine. Then it was over.” The shortest second, you know, that one second that is shorter than every other second. The runt of the second litters. This book, man. Also, is it just me or this doesn’t sound romantic in the slightest? Last time I checked I don’t want my kisses to be icy or hard. Then Edythe leaves.
Plus knowing our Beau he had to add an extra something that wasn’t in Twilight: “It felt like someone had ripped all the skin off my face. My eyes burned.” Jesus! Are we sure this isn’t a horror story? Are we sure that this isn’t a PSA announcement to the parents out there that red blotches + being a loner + tube socks actually equals vampires and not drugs? Also, can I admire the dedication Meyer has put into this male character. He’s not crying, ya’ll; his eyes are burning. No big deal. No crying by a man here. Just some normal eye burning.
The chapter ends with Beau leaving Edythe’s house in Archie’s arms.
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