CHAPTER 2
You know, for a scary erotica, I’m neither aroused or scared.
Chapter 2 begins with Steve describing how Stacy easts a Carl’s Jr. Burger. Oddly, specific and completely irrelevant to the story, but okay. Steve talks about how cute Stacy is for separating out all the parts of the burger, cutting them into bite-size pieces, and then eating them. Then Steve explains how he eats food by making sure his lips never touch the utensil. This causes his teeth to scrape the fork constantly. Which is obnoxious. I hate Steve. Stacy apparently doesn’t like this either, but Steve won’t stop because she’s even cuter when she’s annoyed. Uh. That’s not exactly a great life strategy. Also, it’s kind of sexist. You are going to invalid my anger and not correct your behavior because I look cute when annoyed?
The rest of the chapter describes the other supposedly cute things Stacy does including always ordering food that is not part of the restaurant’s theme (i.e. eating burgers at Mexican restaurants, eating salad at a German place, etc.) Sadly, this where the chapter ends. No really. We got three freakin’ pages of likes and dislikes, people. Let me remind you, this book has won awards. This book is sold out on Amazon.
This is crazy.
CHAPTER 3
Steve and Stacy are having issues because Steve won’t have sex with her because he is too scared of her vagina. They finally agree to have oral sex by 69-ing, and Stacy promises to keep her legs closed so that Steve won’t hear her vagina. Also, apparently her pet name for her clitoris is glowworm. It doesn’t glow, mind you, but whatever.
So they are having sex, when Steve thinks about the fact that Stacy does fish lips to give oral which makes him aroused. Granted, with the amount of people doing fish lips on social media, I’m glad someone likes it. Then we get this odd sentence, “I can see the crack of her vagina completely now, staring up at me as I lick.” Do you see what I see? “Staring”? Vaginas don’t normally stare so in a different book I would be able to write this off, butttt this is The Haunted Vagina. Does her vagina have eyes? Or does something in her vagina have eyes that he’s seeing?
Also, I would like to point out that the word “flesh” is not sexy. It’s just such a weird word to use in a erotica. Like, unless you are talking about a corpse, could we not? ‘Kay? Thanks.
Okay so as they are about to climax her belly starts to expand as if she were pregnant and then it continues growing so that “She’s getting almost twice as pregnant.” And this boy’s telling me that in a year’s time he didn’t know something was up with his girlfriend? Uh-huh. Also, if she is looking pregnant, that’s more than just a vagina. That’s like a haunted uterus, a haunted fallopian tubes, and so on. Damn, this book’s title is so inaccurate. It should really be The Haunted Woman Bits.
Then as Steve is cumming a skeletal hand comes out of Stacy’s vagina so Stever jumps backward so that “My penis shoved completely down her throat, cumming inside her.” So, of course, in this scene I suppose I should be either scared or amused by the skeletal creature coming out of her vagina, but I can only think about the idea of suffocating on cum. Death by cum. What a sad way to go…
The skeleton starts trying to emerge completely from her vagina, but it seems more like a cartoon skeleton than anything else since it is “Animated, chattering its teeth.” The skeleton starts growing a body (eyes, skin, and all that jazz) and Steve tries to kill it with a lamp and then finally succeeds with dropping a nightstand on it. Blah blah blah. Of course, after this episode, all I think of is:
The end of this chapter is Stacy running away. Instead of Steve. Which is weird. Good day. May a skeleton not come out of your nether regions.
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