Kelly Reads Twilight Reimagined Chapters 20 and 21

Last time on Kelly Reads Twilight Reimagined…

We discovered that:

-Beau uses tube socks

-Red blotches + being a loner + tube socks = drugs

-Beau can sandblast his own throat

This time…

CHAPTER 20

The chapter begins with “When I woke up, I was confused.” Let’s be honest, Beau. When are you not confused?

As well, we get a description of the hotel that makes me feel that Stephenie Meyer hadn’t been to a hotel in quite a while before the success of Twilight. We are told that “The room was too bland to belong anywhere but a hotel. The bedside lamps were bolted to the tables, and the drapes were made from the same fabric as the bedspread.”

So not only have I never been to a hotel like this (personally it sounds more like a shady motel), but this boy knows that the bedspread and the drapes are made out of the exact same fabric. Not color. Not pattern. But fabric? This boy just woke his little ass up, confused, because don’t forget the chapter starts “When I woke up, I was confused”, but he now has the astute observations of an interior designer? Uh huh…

Archie (Alice), Jessamine (Jasper), and Beau made it to Phoenix, Arizona the day before. Beau recaps the drive. He looks over at the digital alarm clock where “The red numbers claimed it was three o’clock”. Claimed? It claimed it was three o’clock? This might be a small thing, but why so distrustful of digital clocks? It’s a hotel. I’m sure their clocks would be reasonably around the right time.

Archie gives updates on what is happening with the others. He explains his psychic abilities. Archie tells Beau that vampires have a venom that turn people into vampires. I could talk about the weirdness of that, but it’s in the original Twilight, and I’m sure that’s been talked about enough as is. Then Archie gets a vision that Joss (James) is took a plane and is now waiting in a room full of mirrors. Edythe and gang believe that Joss is flying back down to Forks after having been chased up to Vancouver.

Beau recognizes the description and realizes it to be the ballet studio that his mother used to teach dance lessons at. Now, this is the tricky thing about gender-bending. Are guys less likely to participate in feminine activities like ballet? Yes. However, part of gender-bending depends on knowing your character and knowing how that character would change according to being a different gender and living in a society that treats genders differently.

Yet, we have a protagonist that is known for not caring what other people think of her in Twilight. Wouldn’t that quality be the same if she were male? Or what having a mother who didn’t gender-bend who is quirky and a little bit off? Doesn’t she seem like the type that might have her son participate in her dance lessons?

I don’t know. I wouldn’t be so against this choice if the rest of the book hadn’t blatantly shown me that Beau is more masculine and manly simply because he is a dude and the world revolves around his need to be manly. Instead of blushing, he has a skin condition. Instead of realizing he is outmatched by vampires, he thinks he can protect his vampire girlfriend. Instead of a group of guys cornering him, he has a group of hobos with guns trying to kill him. And, alas, where are those hobos now? (I really want them to figure into the climax somehow.)

Beau tells them that the dance studio that Archie saw in his vision is right in Phoenix. What a coinkydink!Worried for his mom, he calls her phone, but she doesn’t answer. The chapter ends with Beau falling asleep, waiting for the phone to ring.

CHAPTER 21

Archie gets another vision of Joss, and Beau recognizes that Joss is in his mom’s house. Archie calls Edythe and tells Beau that Edythe is coming down and that Beau is going to be hidden away for “a while”. Of course, Beau is not worried that his life is essentially being put on hold, but worried about Edythe. God love him.

Thankfully, Jessamine uses her emotion ability to knock him the fuck out. Nightie night. For a minute. Then Beau acts like a baby and goes to his room and slams the door. ** rolls eyes ** While Jessamine didn’t fully put Beau to sleep, I appreciate Jessamine’s attempt enough not to question how an emotion ability can put someone to sleep (but if you want to feel free).

Then this really exciting thing happens: nothing. Don’t believe me? Here you go: “For almost four hours I sat on the floor and stared at the wall, my hands clenched into fists.” 

Four hours? Four freakin’ hours?! He literally could have better spent the time sleeping, and at this point, I would have been more interested. But don’t worry, even though he is doing nothing from staring at the wall, he is manly! Look at those clenched fists! They are so clenched! They are so…fist-y?

Beau then comes to the conclusion that “Maybe, if I could see her face again, I would be able to see a solution, too. Things were clearer when we were together.” Did you catch that? Do you understand what the problem is? Let me repeat it: “Things were clearer when we were together.” Uh…wasn’t the point of the last 330 pages to prove that things are not, in fact, clearer when you two are together?

Such as, I don’t know, not finding Edythe’s stalking scary or thinking you can take on a vampire. When, you might ask? Any of them. All of them. Pick a time. Pick a vampire. Remember, Beau, you are a baby seal. Baby. Seal.

Or maybe, I don’t know, this:

“Actually, I had no idea if I was [hungry]. My whole body felt like it was being electrocuted in a strange and very pleasant way. My nerves couldn’t process more than that.”

Or, I DON’T KNOW, THISSSSS….

“Honestly, almost being murdered was not the most interesting thing that had happened to me tonight, and I hadn’t really thought much about it.”

Anywho! Beau gets that fated call from Joss when for those who don’t know from Twilight Beau/Bella thinks that their mother is in danger because of Joss/James and agrees to sneak away from the Cullens into Joss’s clutches. When Beau first hears Joss, he describes her voice as “a soft alto voice, a very pleasant, generic voice — the kind of voice that you heard in the background of luxury car commercials.” How oddly specific? That description literally recalls nothing for me. Can ya’ll hear what that voice is supposed to sound like? Okay, I’m checking to see what it says for James in Twilight. Huh. It’s the same. Except he has a tenor voice. Weird. I guess I just forgot all about his generic luxury car commercial background voice. Or repressed it. Or something.

Also, why cannot vampires hear people on the other side of call? I don’t even have super-hearing powers, and I can often do that. Plus, spoilers, haha, Joss is using a recording of Beau’s mom sounding frantic so are you telling me that someone sounding extra loud and upset cannot be heard by the super-duper hearing undead creatures? Like seriously? Okay? Okay.

Now, I always thought that James was pretty clever and funny. Joss has the same lines so that was nice. Now back to the rest of this crap fest. Beau thinks: “My decision was made.” Then why in the ever loving fuck can Archie not see it? The common excuse for this series is “Oh, they haven’t made up their mind” but oh, look, there’s a mind that looks pretty freakin’ made. Decision. Made. Seems pretty straightforward. (Plus, wouldn’t you have to make a decision not to make a decision to confuse the psychic? I don’t know anymore. Thank God this is almost over.)

Of course, Beau seems more worried about Jessamine’s power and is worried when she will come back. Beau reenters the room with a blank look on his face. Archie has a vision and starts freaking out. Jessamine returns. Archie’s face is blank but also empty? Jessamine’s face is blank. Basically, everyone’s face is blank because Meyer has given up describing people’s faces.

The chapter ends with Archie saying he saw Beau in his vision. Nuh duh. I wonder…did he have a blank face in it? Did he have blank faced children in it? I suppose we will find out next time. 

Kelly Reads Twilight Reimagined Chapters 18 and 19

Last time on Kelly Reads Twilight Reimagined…

We discovered that:

-Archie gives one-armed bro hugs

-Vampires play baseball

-Beau feels like a Neanderthal

This time…

CHAPTER 18

The vampire vistors arrive. The woman in front is the beautiful. The man was wild-looking. Sadly, the second woman had a “forgettable face”. Even for a vampire? Remember in this universe all vampires supposed to be unbelievably beautiful. Ahhh…poor thing.

The vampires figure out that Beau is human. Edythe steps in front of him and growls at the other vampires. Then, our stupid Beau thinks “I wanted to pull her back — this Joss vampire wasn’t messing around — but I could guess exactly how well that would go over. She’d told me to stay still, so I would…unless someone tried to hurt her.”

For fuck’s sake, Beau, they are vampires. She’s a vampire. He’s a vampire. What do you think you are going to do that she cannot do a hundred times better? You saw her throw a freakin’ boulder, and you still think that you should step in the middle of a vampire throw-down? **shakes head** Edythe? Edythe, darling. Just go ahead and eat him. You have my permission. The story can just end with: Then I came to my senses and ate him. He was a bit stringy. THE END.

Alas, it does not end like that. Yet. Fingers crossed this happens later.

Anywho, Edythe, Beau, Eleanor, and Archie drive away in the Jeep and come up with a plan where Beau tells his father Charlie that his going back to Phoenix to trick the tracker vampire and keep his father safe.

CHAPTER 19

Beau races into his house acting all angry. He marches into his room and “Then I shoved my hand between the mattress and box spring, searching till I found the knotted tub sock with my cash hoard.” HA! Excuse me, when I think of teenage boys and tube socks, my first thought isn’t a “cash hoard”.

Also, how does this boy have a cash hoard? A hoard of cash? Last time I checked there has been no mention of him having a job, and even if he did he would be making minimum wage. As a poor college student, I completely object to a teenage boy having a cash hoard when I do not!

Also, Beau’s yelling to his dad about how he broke up with Edythe because he liked her too much, and, boy, do I love poor, oblivious Charlie who asks, “Are you doing drugs, Beau?” Drugs? That was the only thing you could thing of, Mr. Cop? Drugs? Well, now that I think about it if my teenage son raced to his room and started whipping out tube socks I guess I would be a smidge confused too.

Red blotches + being a loner + tube socks = drugs

Edythe and Beau are discussing what they plan to do with the other vampires. Beau asks if Joss and Victor (James and Victoria) will be trying to kill Edythe which is pretty much the most DUH question I’ve heard yet. But after he asks this question we get another raw voice simile which compares it to….drum roll please… “like I’d sandblasted the back of my throat.” Wait. What? He “sandblasted” his own throat. Not his throat got “sandblasted”, but he did the “sandblast”-ing?

Okay so I looked it up and “sandblasted” is actually a real word. It means:

SANDBLAST

1. A stream of sand projected by compressed air (as for engraving, cutting, or cleaning glass or stone)

2. To clean, polish, or decorate the surface of (something) by spraying sand on it with a powerful machine

These descriptions are just a doosey. I now imagine Beau trying to wrap his mouth around a machine so he can sandblast himself. What a duffus, amiright?

So Beau swaps clothes with Earnest to confuse the tracker by scent. The group divides up into teams. Edythe and Beau kiss in which “For the shortest second, her lips were icy and hard against mine. Then it was over.” The shortest second, you know, that one second that is shorter than every other second. The runt of the second litters. This book, man. Also, is it just me or this doesn’t sound romantic in the slightest? Last time I checked I don’t want my kisses to be icy or hard. Then Edythe leaves.

Plus knowing our Beau he had to add an extra something that wasn’t in Twilight: “It felt like someone had ripped all the skin off my face. My eyes burned.” Jesus! Are we sure this isn’t a horror story? Are we sure that this isn’t a PSA announcement to the parents out there that red blotches + being a loner + tube socks actually equals vampires and not drugs? Also, can I admire the dedication Meyer has put into this male character. He’s not crying, ya’ll; his eyes are burning. No big deal. No crying by a man here. Just some normal eye burning.

The chapter ends with Beau leaving Edythe’s house in Archie’s arms.

Kelly Reads Twilight Reimagined Chapter 15, 16, and 17

Last time on Kelly Reads Twilight Reimagined…

We discovered that:

-The smiling pig has a reason to smile

-Beau is a baby seal

-Beau somehow has ten admirers

This time…

CHAPTER 15

Beau wakes up the next day and takes a shower. Edythe is still there because Charlie has already left for the day. Beau realizes that he forgot to bring his clothes to the bathroom so he “tucked the towel securely around my waist and then marched into the hall with my face blazing red. Even better — the patch of red on my chest was exposed, too.” How is his chest blushing? Seriously, his red patches can only be explained now with a skin condition. Maybe in the sequel he’ll go to a dermatologist.

Edythe wants Beau to meet her family today. Beau is worried not because it’s a family of vampires but because he’s not sure if they will like him. Edythe and Beau make out and Beau faints for a second. Why? He “kind of forgot to breathe”. As you do?

Edythe drives them to her house. Beau sees Earnest for the first time and thinks “There was something really…kind about his face, but I couldn’t put my finger on what it was that made me think that.” Some of you might find this nitpicking, but descriptions like this just make a book seem unfinished. It seems like a placeholder I would put in a story for when I couldn’t think of how to describe something.

Archie comes down the stairs and gives Beau “one of those one-armed bro-hugs”. Is that what they are called? Because I think I might just call them that now. Come on, bro-man-bro, give me a bro-hug for the road.

Edythe plays a piece on the piano that she made just for Beau. Her family disappears to give them privacy. Edythe tells Beau that Archie saw other vampires coming into town. Edythe tells Beau Carine’s (Carlisle’s) backstory which is different from Twilight. In Twilight, Carlisle reluctantly takes up his pastor father’s position to find vampires and through his own cleverness finds a coven of them. Unfortunately, in the process, one weak, hungry vampire feeds on him instead of escaping and Carlisle is turned into a vampire while in hiding.

In Twilight Reimagined, Carlisle is now a woman named Carine who only argues against her father’s position on vampires in vain. Her father destroys the sewer area where the vampires had been living and as revenge one vampire follows him home, turns his daughter Carine into a vampire (because she was the thing he loved the most), and kills him.

On one hand, I understand why the story must be different. As a woman in that time, Carine most likely would not be allowed to take up her father’s position and so on. However, Carlisle’s cleverness and agency (for finding the vampires his father could not) is not replaced with anything in Carine. She becomes a passive character in her own story. The revenge plays out as if she were an object too. Furthermore, this changed backstory does not add up with what Carine does later: make other vampires. Carlisle’s story left room for forgiveness. The vampire that attacked him was weak and hungry and attacked by humans. If anythings, his actions could fall under self defense.

But in Carine’s story the vampire comes to their house for revenge. He forces her father to watch him turn Carine and then Carine is forced to watch her father die. How could she forgive such malicious actions? How could she later on ever thing it was right to change someone into a monster like that? I think this change adds new issues to the story, to be honest.

The chapter ends with Edythe taking Beau to Carine to finish the story.

CHAPTER 16

Apparently, not then. Carine says she would stay and tell the story but she has to go to work. Edythe shows Beau some paintings and continues the story with Beau interrupting with questions. Like Carlisle, Carine discovers she can live off of animals and begins to study and travel. However, during that time it would be unusual for a woman to be traveling alone, but this isn’t mentioned.

Edythe then talks about how Carine spent some time with the Volturi but left after a few decades. She said Carine was lonely and so when she saw Edythe dying alone during the Spanish influenza she turned her. Edythe shows off her room. Archie says there will be a storm and that they should play baseball. You know because that's how vampires spend their immortal lives. 

Which now that I think about it doesn’t really make sense. Yes, I get that they hit so loud that they need thunder to cover it up, but wouldn’t they be constantly replacing bats? Wouldn’t the balls fall to bits and leave nothing to catch? Just saying.

The chapter ends with them agreeing to play baseball.

CHAPTER 17

Edythe drives Beau home and they see that Bonnie and Jules Black are in the driveway. Edythe leaves and Beau convinces Bonnie not to tell Charlie the truth about the Cullens. I wonder how different the book would have been if Bonnie had told. It’s moments like this where I feel the author goes too easy on the main character. The point of a story is to keep pushing the main character, but I feel like Bella/Beau slips away from almost everything.

Beau tells Charlie that Edythe is his girlfriend and feels “a strange sense of pride, being able to claim her this way. Kind of Neanderthal of me, but there it was.” The idea of claiming people in relationships has always been off to me. I guess Meyer kind of scoots past this with the Neanderthal comment but just barely.

Edythe comes over and Charlie gets to meet her. Beau and Edythe drive off. Beau has to hop on her back again so she can run them into the clearing. Everyone but Earnest and Beau start playing baseball. In Earnest’s story, he jumps off a cliff because his two year old daughter died (instead of a days old boy). It seems odd that his wife isn’t mentioned at all though…

They continue to play ball. I still find it weird that when the Cullens collide it apparently sounds like “the crash of two massive falling boulders”. I mean, jeez…Then Archie realizes that the vampire vistors are heading their way. They are worried for Beau’s safety, but continue playing hoping to show that everything is normal and that is how the chapter ends. 

Here's hoping that the vampire vistors kill Beau.

Top 10 WORST Books 2015

What is a Top Ten Best List without a Top Ten Worst List? Now, to be clear, if you like these books, that’s perfectly fine. However, I had some serious problems with them. Now, calling something the “worst” is awfully vague and subjective, but I’ll try to be as clear as I can. For some of these, they were just awfully disappointing and not worth the hype/praise, in my opinion. Others have more significant flaws. Once again the order doesn’t matter so much. With that in mind, here we go!

1. The Tenant of Wildfell Hall by Anne Bronte

The only thing worse than talking to a self-proclaimed “Nice Guy” is reading a book about one. Gilbert is an abusive stalker. Our protagonist, people! But, don’t misunderstand: this isn’t a psychological thriller, it doesn’t give us insight into this kind of sick person, and it doesn’t show a journey of growth. We are supposed to apparently root for Gilbert and to believe and support his “romance”. It’s quite sickening.

2. Age of Innocence by Edith Wharton

The plot was all about the romance, and the romance was unbelievable and dull. I found it impossible to sympathize or relate to Archer’s white, rich people problems. There was no chemistry between any of the characters much less the two that are supposed to be in love, and the story just meanders way too long. While the ending did surprise me, it didn’t make up for the slog to get there.

3. Pygmalion by George Bernard Shaw

Yeah, yeah, I know this is a play, but I had to read it, and by god was it awful. The ending is supposed to have this enlightened feminist point (that came off as completely forced), but it was not worth having to read the large sums of abuse as Higgins repeatedly ignores Eliza, insults/degrades her, and controls her every action.

4. Cinder by Marissa Meyer

While this book wasn’t terrible, it was terribly lazy. The Cinderella story is regurgitated: it is uninspired and dull. Asia is just a cheap backdrop: other than the prince eating shrimp wontons this story could have taken place anywhere else. The science fiction elements are mundane and not fully thought out. As well, there are elements to the story where the author was either too lazy to write adequately write or didn’t trust the reader to figure out. Without giving too much away, I was really frustrated with the Liar issue and the Shiny Like A Diamond issue.

5. Good Omens by Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman

I’ve always heard that Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman were the gods of writing so I have to say I was more than a little disappointed at this flop of a book. The book reads like a bad stand-up comedian where it seems like every sentence is supposed to be this big joke, but it’s never funny.

6. This Side of Paradise by F. Scott Fitzgerald

I loved The Great Gatsby so I was so disappointed in this book. It was so difficult to read because the main character Amory is completely unsympathetic and unrelatable and yet every once and a while I would come across a sentence or a passage of Fitzgerald’s gorgeous writing and I just wished that beautiful writing existed in a better story.

7.The Bad Beginning (A Series of Unfortunate Events) by Lemony Snicket

I know, I know. Everyone seems to like this series. While I hear the series gets better with each book, personally, this series might just not be my cup of tea because I found the narrator condescending and distracting and left me feeling so distant from the main characters that I didn’t care what happened to them.

8. The Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway

You might be saying, “You can’t put a classic on the Worst Book List, Kelly!” Oh, but, look. I just did. It wasn’t horrible by any means, but I just found it disappointing. While his writing does improve in his other novels, I think it is pretty evident that this was his debut. As it stands, this book lacked some of the finesse and power of Hemingway’s other work and some of his attempts at realism failed in my opinion.

9. The Prelude by William Wordsworth

While most of you probably won’t ever read this of your own freewill, I just had to get it out there that Wordsworth is just way too WORDY.

10. Artemis Fowl by Eoin Colfer

This is an odd mix of a book. Between having the strangely adult and the juvenile elements in this book, I was left just scratching my head. It does have some interesting aspects to it, but I just don’t think the story really knew what it wanted to be or who its audience was. 

Which ones of these have you read? Do you agree or disagree with me? What's the worst book you've read in 2015? Tell me all that and more in the comments below!

Top 10 BEST Books 2015

It the last week of the year which means it’s time for my Top 10 BEST Books 2015!

Now, as a reminder, these kinds of lists are subjective. You might not care for the books I love and that’s fine. As well, these are MY favorites of what I read in 2015. That means that if I didn’t read it in 2015 it won’t be on this list. So if you are wondering why that amazing book that was published in 2015 isn’t on this list, that’s why. Also, these books aren’t in any particular order (despite being numbered). They are all on this list because I think they are awesome, and that’s what matters. Now here we go!

1. My Sister’s Keeper by Jodi Picoult

Mind you, I had already seen the movie. So, lo and behold I was pretty surprised by much I loved this book. The writing is stellar. Boy, am I jealous of the writing. It’s clear that a lot of time, effort, and research was put into this book. I also balled my eyes out for the last 20 pages which is a pretty impressive feat in and of itself. I don’t cry at everything so I’m always impressed when words on a page are able to pull emotion out of me. It’s a sad read, but I would definitely recommend it.

2. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon

This book nailed the voice of a boy with Asperger’s. While I was reading this book I felt like I was really Christopher, the main character. As well, the author uses humor to cleverly navigate the hard topics and difficult characters in this book. I’m not normally a fan of contemporary adult fiction, but I would definitely recommend this one.

3. Life of Pi by Yann Martel

A kid stuck on a boat for months on end? How boring, amiright? Surprisingly, no. The first half or so of this book reads like a really detailed biography. So much so in fact that I began to wonder if this was a true story. (It isn't.) Now, the second half of this book is what really brings this story over the top for me. I won’t give anything away but will just say that it blew me away.

4. Reading Lolita in Tehran by Azar Nafisi

This story is such an interesting mix of learning about Tehran and literature. It is so lovely. I haven’t read all the books that Nafisi talks about, but I feel like she did a great job of giving the reader just enough to keep up; however, there’s such an extra depth to this book for those who have read the books she refers to. I cannot wait to reread this book after I’ve read them all.

5. Wild by Cheryl Strayed

Strayed’s true life story is fascinating, heartbreaking, and absolutely inspiring. You feel like you are on the journey with her. I think she is struggling with such relatable issues in this that everyone can take something away from it. 

6. A Dance with Dragons (A Song of Ice and Fire Series) by George R.R. Martin

If you don’t know already, Martin is a powerhouse writer. He’s got characters, he’s got world-building, he’s got plot. As well, unlike other books that switch point of view, there’s not once that I got bored with a chapter and wanted to skip/skim. Alas, now that I’m caught up I’m going to have to wait for the next installment like the rest of you peasants. I suppose we’ll have to keep busy complaining about the HBO series and how it differs. Just kidding! (Not completely...)

7. Passing by Nella Larson

This book covers such an underrepresented topic. I’ve never read a book on passing and thus never quite realized how prevalent and devastating it was. In my opinion, this isn’t just a recommended book but a must read. We all need to be more educated on topics like this.

8. Three Cups of Tea by Greg Mortenson

While Mortenson and his organization might be under some scrutiny, I still believe this book has something to offer readers. This book adds depth and humanity to the Middle East in a time when we really need it, and I don’t think anyone can argue with the message of spreading education (regardless of whether Mortenson’s scale of success is exaggerated or not). I still very much think this book is worth checking out.

9. Billie Standish Was Here by Nancy Crocker

To be perfectly honest, I wasn’t expecting too much out of this one. However, I was shocked to discover the rich relationship between two strong female characters (Billie Standish and Miss Lydia), its use/reference to feminism and civil rights movements, and its development past a pet peeve of mine. Personally, I hate it when a character has a Big Bad Secret that they keep secret and the story ends after they tell. It’s just all so boring and cliche. I really wanted to see a story where it shows the consequences and this story does just that. The last twenty pages had me crying like mad. So good.

10. The Titan’s Curse (Percy Jackson and the Olympians Series) by Rick Riordan

Once again, Percy’s adventures have pulled me in and left me wanting more. This series continues to surprise me with its fun. I thought I would be too old for this series or that after the first one the fun would peter out, but I’m still wrong. Go check it out if you get the chance. 

Which ones have you read? Do you agree with me? What are your favorite reads from this year? Tell me all that and more down in the comments below!

Kelly Reads Twilight Reimagined Chapter 14

Last time on Kelly Reads Twilight Reimagined…

We discovered that:

-Beau likes to take unnecessary cold medicine

-Edythe turns into a disco ball in the sun

-Edythe gives Beau a piggyback ride

This time…

CHAPTER 14

Driving back home, Edythe talks to Beau about how old she is and how she and each of her other family members ended up as vampires. Of course, this reminds me that in Twilight Esme (Edward’s vampire mom) jumped off a cliff because her child died. I’ll be curious to see if Meyer keeps that part of the backstory now that Esme is a man named Earnest. All the other stories so far are the same, but Esme’s backstory seems the most gender-related so we’ll see…

When they get to Beau’s house, he’s starving so he starts eating some lasagna. They talk about what Edythe misses about being human, and she says that being able to sleep would be nice. Beau asks what she does during the night since she cannot sleep, and she tells him that she’s been coming to his house and watching him sleep. Like Bella, instead of being disturbed by this, Beau is only worried that he might’ve said some embarrassing things in his sleep. Granted, he did, but, personally, I think he has greater things to worry about like, I don’t know, a vampire who doesn’t understand personal boundaries?

Anywho, Beau’s dad comes home so Edythe skedaddles, but Beau realizes that she might still be in the house hiding out so he quickly eats his food and runs upstairs. As he predicted, Edythe is in his room. He asks for a human moment where he brushes his teeth and puts on his pajamas. Then, this odd little conversation happens:

“‘I’m not sure how I feel about that shirt,’ she said. Her voice was so quiet that I didn’t have any worries that Charlie [his dad] would hear us.

‘I can change.’

She rolled her eyes. ‘Not you wearing it — its entire existence.’ She reached out and brushed her fingers across the smiling pig. My pulse spiked, but she politely ignored that. ‘Should he be so happy to be food?’

I had to grin. ‘Well, we don’t know his side of the story, do we? He might have a reason to smile.’

She looked at me like she was doubting my sanity.

I reached out to hold her hand.”

Okay. I just googled smiling pig. It's kind of terrifying...

Beau, why????

So not only does this not happen in Twilight, I’m just so confused by what’s happening. At first, it seemed like Edythe was saying she didn’t like the shirt existing because she wanted Beau shirtless, but then it seems like she was offended by the content of the shirt which is a smiling pig. Granted, the first couple of times I read that line I thought Beau was referring himself to a smiling pig which would have been weird but with this book you never know. Plus, he is food to vampires so I could see it forcefully trying to fit that analogy in. Plus, who just has shirt that just has a smiling pig on it with no explanation?

Then, Beau makes the weird comment about the pig having a reason to smile, and Edythe looks like she is doubting his sanity to which I would like to add what else would she be doing and a oh-darling-Beau-us-readers-have-been-doubting-your-sanity-since-we-found-out-about-your-skin-condition. And then, just like that they move on to something else and this part of the conversation is never brought up again.

Then Beau notes to himself “My heart started beating…not faster exactly, but stronger somehow.”To which, I ask: unless you have a weak heart to begin with, how do you know your heart started beating stronger? How exactly do you measure that?

Edythe and Beau start talking about the gifts that vampires have such as Edythe’s ability to read minds and so on. God, I feel so sorry for vampires like Carine. You live with vampires who have the ability to read minds, influence emotions, and see the future and your ability is…compassion? Awww…poor thing…

Beau asks where did vampires come from and how they started. Edythe says she doesn’t know but suggests that there’s the possibility that they evolved just like any other species. Uh….except evolution doesn’t work like that. Dead things don’t evolve because…well, because they are, in fact, DEAD! Like, evolution happens to some species while others die out, but it’s not like your walking down the street and it’s like “Look, children! It’s an undead Tyrannosaurus Rex. Ooh, ah! So dead, so evolved, so advanced! I wonder if I can get it’s autograph?”

Edythe asks Beau, “‘is it so hard to believe that the same force that created the delicate angelfish with the shark, the baby seal and the killer whale, could create both our kinds together?’” Yes, yes, it is. However, Beau answers, “‘Let me get this straight — I’m the baby seal, right?’” which cracks me up.

Then our little baby seal asks about sex. Of course, since this is written by a Mormon, I’m completely dissatisfied and none of my questions are answered. ‘Cause, here’s my dirty mind thinking: if Edythe’s vagina is all vampire-y and not acting like a normal vagina (since vampire girls apparently cannot get pregnant but vampire men still have viable sperm), someone’s going to need a lot of lube. Instead, we get Edythe saying that, yes, vampires have urges too, and that sexy times probably won’t be in their future because Beau’s so fragile. Now, don’t worry! Edythe makes sure to worry about Beau’s manliness by saying, “I don’t mean that as an insult to your manliness, anyone human is fragile to me.” Whoo! Close call!

Now, I am glad that Beau, like Bella, has zero dating and sex experience. I was a little worried that since he’s a man that he somehow must have more experience. Of course, my relief doesn’t last long since apparently Beau has ten admirers at this school alone. TEN. How does he not have any dating experience yet? I mean, other than his personality? The chapter ends with Edythe humming a lullaby as Beau falls asleep. 

Kelly Reads Twilight Reimagined Chapter 12 and 13

Last time on Kelly Reads Twilight Reimagined…

We discovered that:

-Edythe gets catty and has a voice like raw silk

-Beau’s eyes are the culprits but luckily all his bones are shaped the same underneath his skin??!!

-Beau turns into a soap opera character

This time…

CHAPTER 12

Jules and her mom Bonnie hang out with Charlie and Beau as they watch “the game”. What game you may ask? Baseball? Football? Basketball? Soccer? Who knows! It’s the game.

Beau makes grilled cheese. Beau talks to Jules about cars. Beau is worried that Jules’ mom will tell Charlie that Edythe is a vampire. She doesn’t. Exciting, no?

Charlie tells Beau that he has a fishing trip planned the same day Beau says he’ll be in Seattle (but is really going to watch Edythe sparkle). Anyway, Charlie says that if Beau wants to postpone his trip to Seattle to wait for someone to go with him then Charlie will cancel his fishing plans. Which is weird. It made more sense when the character was a girl because…well, the obvious reasons: sexism and the danger of women being alone in a society with our rape culture. Granted, Beau had an awful experience with armed hobos, but Charlie doesn’t know that.

But before we get to the next chapter with the sparkling reveal, we get…drum roll…another boring day at school! YAY! Edythe and Beau confirm their plans for Saturday. Most of this is the exact same as Twilight though I am amused that Rosalie (now Royal) is in the cafeteria hissing at Edythe and Beau and no one thinks anything of it.

Edythe leaves early to hunt, and Beau thinks about ditching class but thinks better of it because he wouldn’t want people to be suspicious of Edythe if she ever accidentally killed him. He’s, you know, considerate like that? I know I always try to make it as easy as possible for my kinda vampire girlfriend to get away with killing me. However, this is nothing new. Bella did this too.

Beau keeps his dad out of the loop of his real plans for Saturday. He then imagines what it would be like to be killed by a vampire. After a while of thinking and doing laundry, he’s “relieved when it was late enough to be acceptable for bedtime…[and] deliberately took unnecessary cold medicine — the kind that knocked me out for a good eight hours”.

I say, what a rebel. That’s our Beau. Fighting off dangerous hobos, thinking too hard while doing laundry, and taking unnecessary cold medicine. Go, you?

Edythe and Beau drive to a forest and then hike their way to the meadow. Even if you haven’t read the books, you know the meadow because the meadow was in every single trailer for the movies, I swear. As Beau walks behind Edythe he describes her: “I’d never seen so much of her skin. Her pale arms, her slim shoulders, the fragile-looking twigs of her collarbones, the vulnerable hollows above them, the swanlike column of her neck, the gentle swell of her breasts — don’t stare, don’t stare — and the ribs I could nearly count under the thin cotton.” Now, even when I read Twilight in middle school, I knew that its version of vampiric beauty fell under Western beauty standards and norms; however, now that I’m Edythe’s beauty descriptions I realize now that on top of it being very narrow-minded and racist it also doesn’t make much sense.

For those who’ve read Breaking Dawn, the vampires in this world don’t just have a glamour that make them look beautiful.Their bodies literally reshape themselves into their most beautiful form. However, it wasn’t always considered beautiful to be skinny. Even in Western culture there were times when having a more voluptuous figure was beautiful because it signified wealth and power. Just another thing that now bothers me with the lack of research in this mythology…

Anyway, they make it to the meadow and the chapter ends with Edythe about to step into the sunlight.

CHAPTER 13

Edythe sparkles! Shocker. Beau runs toward her afraid she was going to catch on fire which is sad that he has so little faith in her, really. Yes, she’s totally going to commit suicide Beau to demonstrate what happens to her in sunlight. That makes sense. Then Edythe gets all emo and asks, “Aren’t you repulsed by my flagrant lack of humanity?” Uh…girl, you didn’t murder his father or turn into a bat. You sparkled. Just sparkled. A disco ball can do that.

Most this scene is the same as Twilight. Edythe explains how appealing Beau’s scent is. She compares it to ice cream, alcohol, and heroine. However, Edward does say that if he were to kill Bella he would miss her blushing, but that was cut in this version so it seems like Edythe doesn’t like Beau’s rashes after all. Of course, we also still get the lion fell in love with the lamb line. Overall, this scene isn’t too bad. A bit unrealistic, but, hell, it’s Twilight.

Of course, it then transitions into a weird touchy-feely game. Edythe leans over and rests her head on Beau’s chest to listen to his heart. Edward does the same with Bella FYI. However, when it’s Beau’s turn he traces Edythe’s face and then decides to caress down her body and wraps her into a hug. He then realizes that “She wasn’t breathing”, but apparently that doesn’t cue him in that he should stop. Instead, he decides to press his face into her hair and take a big whiff like a weirdo. Now, Bella’s nice enough to stop because of “not wanting to push him too far” unlike someone else that we know.

YASSSSSSSSS! Meyer might have denied me seeing Edythe carry Beau to the nurse’s office, but she was wise enough to keep this in!!!!!! So after all the oh-you-sparkle touchy-feely meadow stuff, Edythe asks Beau if he wants to experience how a vampire travels at extreme speed. Beau asks how, and Edythe cracks me up by replying, “Surely you’re familiar with the concept of a piggyback ride?” Beau is trying to come up with every excuse not to and suddenly Edythe is carrying boulder like “Bitch, I think I can carry your puny ass.”

So, Beau is finally on her back and “My face was burning, and I knew I must look like a gorilla on a greyhound.” Pffffttt HAHAHAHA! What an odd description! I wonder if she means the dog or the bus for this simile! Edythe starts running and once again we get Meyer’s great prose of “She streaked through the forest like a bullet, like a ghost.” Streaked? Really? Streaked? That was the best word she could think of? Okay, okay. So I know what she means. She shot through the forest like a bullet. I got that part. But like a ghost? Are ghosts really known for their speed? Are they known for streaking through forests? Ugh. Now I’m imagining naked ghosts. Moving on!

They make it back to the car. Beau can hardly breathe from traveling that fast. Edythe kisses Beau. The chapter ends with Edythe deciding to drive them home because Beau is “intoxicated by my very presence.”