Kelly Reads The Haunted Vagina Chapters 2 and 3

CHAPTER 2

You know, for a scary erotica, I’m neither aroused or scared.

Chapter 2 begins with Steve describing how Stacy easts a Carl’s Jr. Burger. Oddly, specific and completely irrelevant to the story, but okay. Steve talks about how cute Stacy is for separating out all the parts of the burger, cutting them into bite-size pieces, and then eating them. Then Steve explains how he eats food by making sure his lips never touch the utensil. This causes his teeth to scrape the fork constantly. Which is obnoxious. I hate Steve. Stacy apparently doesn’t like this either, but Steve won’t stop because she’s even cuter when she’s annoyed. Uh. That’s not exactly a great life strategy. Also, it’s kind of sexist. You are going to invalid my anger and not correct your behavior because I look cute when annoyed?

The rest of the chapter describes the other supposedly cute things Stacy does including always ordering food that is not part of the restaurant’s theme (i.e. eating burgers at Mexican restaurants, eating salad at a German place, etc.) Sadly, this where the chapter ends. No really. We got three freakin’ pages of likes and dislikes, people. Let me remind you, this book has won awards. This book is sold out on Amazon.

This is crazy.

CHAPTER 3

Steve and Stacy are having issues because Steve won’t have sex with her because he is too scared of her vagina. They finally agree to have oral sex by 69-ing, and Stacy promises to keep her legs closed so that Steve won’t hear her vagina. Also, apparently her pet name for her clitoris is glowworm. It doesn’t glow, mind you, but whatever.

So they are having sex, when Steve thinks about the fact that Stacy does fish lips to give oral which makes him aroused. Granted, with the amount of people doing fish lips on social media, I’m glad someone likes it. Then we get this odd sentence, “I can see the crack of her vagina completely now, staring up at me as I lick.” Do you see what I see? “Staring”? Vaginas don’t normally stare so in a different book I would be able to write this off, butttt this is The Haunted Vagina. Does her vagina have eyes? Or does something in her vagina have eyes that he’s seeing?

Also, I would like to point out that the word “flesh” is not sexy. It’s just such a weird word to use in a erotica. Like, unless you are talking about a corpse, could we not? ‘Kay? Thanks.

Okay so as they are about to climax her belly starts to expand as if she were pregnant and then it continues growing so that “She’s getting almost twice as pregnant.” And this boy’s telling me that in a year’s time he didn’t know something was up with his girlfriend? Uh-huh. Also, if she is looking pregnant, that’s more than just a vagina. That’s like a haunted uterus, a haunted fallopian tubes, and so on. Damn, this book’s title is so inaccurate. It should really be The Haunted Woman Bits.

Then as Steve is cumming a skeletal hand comes out of Stacy’s vagina so Stever jumps backward so that “My penis shoved completely down her throat, cumming inside her.” So, of course, in this scene I suppose I should be either scared or amused by the skeletal creature coming out of her vagina, but I can only think about the idea of suffocating on cum. Death by cum. What a sad way to go…

The skeleton starts trying to emerge completely from her vagina, but it seems more like a cartoon skeleton than anything else since it is “Animated, chattering its teeth.” The skeleton starts growing a body (eyes, skin, and all that jazz) and Steve tries to kill it with a lamp and then finally succeeds with dropping a nightstand on it. Blah blah blah. Of course, after this episode, all I think of is:

The end of this chapter is Stacy running away. Instead of Steve. Which is weird. Good day. May a skeleton not come out of your nether regions. 

Kelly Reads The Haunted Vagina Chapter 1

CHAPTER 1

You know I never thought I would read “hairy flesh seashell” in a piece of literature before. Confused? Oh, maybe I should rewind and start at the beginning.

You all asked for this. You voted for me to read The Haunted Vagina as my next Kelly Reads series. Disclaimer: as the title might suggest, this novel has some sexy time stuff in it. You’ve been warned. So…here we go!

The book begins with Steve being a bit special needs. He tells the reader that he was with Stacy for over a year before he realized her vagina was haunted. Yep. Over a year. Mind you, this isn’t a quiet haunted vagina. Granted, I don’t even know exactly what a quiet haunted vagina would be. A yeast infection?

Anywho, this haunted vagina makes noises. Whispers. Laughs. Cries. Howls. The whole works. And little ol’ Steve here was with her for a WHOLE YEAR before he figures this shit out. What, was her vagina just being polite whenever they went out to eat or watch movies? Could she turn it off like you would your phone? However, once they get engaged and she moves in, Steve begins to sense something is a bit off. First, he thought it was her snoring. Then he thought it was the television.

Then he asks Stacy and she’s just like, “Oh, it’s my vagina.”

And he’s like, “But, really. What is it?”

And she’s like, “It’s tots my vagina. Listen.” And presses his ear against her vagina.

Wow. So Steve must have some real issues whenever someone is talking in another room or anything that requires any auditory awareness of distance. Like he never noticed that the noises got louder when he was closer to her? I’m definitely assuming he has never given her oral then.

Then she says she has a ghost in her vagina. He asks how. She says that she doesn’t know, but it’s been there a long time. He asks why she doesn’t call a priest. And she sarcastically responds, “What’s a priest going to do? Stick a cross up there and cast the spirits out?”

Whoa! You got a ghost up your va jay jay and you sassing priests? Like, yes, I’m agnostic, and I find religious people to be a bit wacky, but beggars can’t be choosers now. But, noooo, apparently she likes it. It makes her unique.

(Side note: Is it weird that I like the fact that she has pubic hair? I feel like most people shy away from pubic hair because we are taught that it’s nasty, so I guess I kind of like the fact that a girl with pubic hair is represented…even if it’s in a weird book like this?)

Then Stacy says, “My other boyfriends thought it was kind of sexy.” Uh-huh…sureeeeee…..

They then have sex even though he finds her haunted vagina repulsive and classifies their sex as “the most awkward sex I’d ever had” which makes me wonder if this was completely consensual. Also, during sex, she sucks on his “crusty lower lip”. Crusty? Really? Why is his lip crusty? Out of all the ways to describe a lip, why crusty? Yuck.

Okay. Then we get the story of how the met. You ready? The both feel asleep on a city bus together on each other — complete strangers, mind you — and when they wake up, she asks if he wants to go back to her place to sleep some more. Yep. That’s not a euphemism for having sex (which Steve was confused by as well). She really just wants to sleep with him. They both go back to her place and cuddle. Steve adds “We didn’t even know each other’s names…” SAY WHAT?! So, you are telling me that you woke up on the bus, walked to her place, stripped down to your undies, and cuddled together, and in all that time NEVER asked what the other’s name was????

Then they continued this cuddle fest for three weeks. THREE WEEKS. And this story wants me to believe Steve never heard a peep from her haunted vagina? Now, back in the beginning, Steve mentions that he first noticed the odd sounds coming from her when she slept. Well, okay, you could maybe rationalize that the noises only ever came from her when she was sleeping, and if Steve never slept with her or spent the night, maybe he wouldn’t have heard it before. BUT, that’s the friggin’ start to their relationship. They were sleeping together from the beginning!!! Are you telling me Steve is really that dense or hard of hearing or…dense?

Apparently, they didn’t talk very much or make an effort to get to know each other. It says that “To her, I was just a stuffed animal with a heartbeat.” Wow, that’s cold. Now we are getting her backstory (before this all we knew was that she was Asian). Just read how unbelievable this is:

“I found out her favorite food was stuffed grape leaves and her favorite films were all Russian. She was born in Thailand but was adopted by a wealthy African American couple before she could walk, and spent most of her life in an upscale suburb outside Los Angeles. She spent ten years at the university here in Portland, getting degrees in every subject she could acquire. She wasn’t interested in a career. She just liked learning new things, and her parents paid for everything until she turned thirty. That’s when they cut her off and she had to drop out to get a job. Unfortunately, her degrees in Philosophy, History, Russian, Anthropology, Psychology, and Humanities were useless in the job market, so she worked at one of the hipster clothing stores downtown. That’s when she decided her real passion in life was fashion design, and she’s been saving up her money to go back to school ever since.”

OMG. Someone couldn’t decide what they wanted their character to be, so they gave them all the things! I mean, none of these are impossible alone, but together? Pffffftttttt what the hell! Paid for her college until she was thirty? Jeez! Could her parents adopt me? Also, she got degrees in every subject she could? She has six degrees including Russian and Psychology, and they are all useless in the job market? All of them? I mean I know that everyone makes fun of degrees in the Humanities for being useless which is why you get memes like this:

But if this girl can get six degrees including a science degree and a foreign language degree and still not get a job? Hell, we’re all screwed then.

Then we find out that Steve tried to be a musician for 10 years before giving up. Stacy then decides she wants to start a band, and Steve asks if he can be in it, and she says no. What a jerk. You know, considering that’s the only thing he wanted to do with his life. We can’t all have a kajillion useless degrees paid for by our rich African American adoptive parents. Jeez, Stacy…

Then they pass by a grubby homeless man named Donut. I should probably question why his name is Donut, but if I were to question everything we would never finish this. Steve surprises himself by wrapping his coat around the homeless man. Steve then explains how he hasn’t even given money to the homeless in years since he switched from carrying cash to a debit card. I don’t know why this is important, but apparently the author thought it was.

Then Steve talks about how Donut would follow him around asking for change and wouldn’t stop following him even when Steve gave him change and then when Steve refused to give Donut change, Donut would call him a racist. Steve is still surprised that he wrapped his coat around Donut, so we spent a page and a half for Steve to explain why he was confused with a gesture that still doesn’t have significance to the story. Also, his coat was $200! Seriously, I’m more shocked by the price than the gesture, considering he’s a failed musician but whatever.

Apparently, it is this gesture that makes Stacy love him. A gesture that Steve explains is uncommon for him and that even he doesn’t know why he did it….true love, eh? However, even this is muddled because apparently she tells him she loves him “with her shiny dark eyes”.

Looks in bag. Oh, look at that. I’m out of fucks already.

Stay tuned for Chapter 2. Maybe I'll find some fucks to give by next Tuesday.  

Station Eleven by Emily St. John Mandel Review

Fiction

336 pages

An audacious, darkly glittering novel set in the eerie days of civilization's collapse, Station Eleven tells the spellbinding story of a Hollywood star, his would-be savior, and a nomadic group of actors roaming the scattered outposts of the Great Lakes region, risking everything for art and humanity.

Completion: I was fully invested in this book. I would have read it and finished it even if it hadn’t been for class. What a refreshing surprise! 

(P.S. I'm so glad I don't live in a dystopian or post-apocalyptic world. I would definitely be the first to die.)

Writing/Style: St. John Mandel’s writing brings such a haunting beauty to the collapse of civilization as we know it. By writing about the world before the collapse and twenty years after it, she manages to avoid the cliches of the mainstream dystopian genre.

Mainstream dystopian novels be like...

Characters: This story has significant cast of characters, and yet they are distinct and richly developed. There are moments where you feel emotionally invested in all of them, and that’s a hard feat to pull off. Plus, even if you have your favorites, each character presents a different part of this vast post-collapse world and present different ways to react and survive in this world.

Plot/Pacing: This is not a linear plot, but it never felt jumpy or slow. St. John Mandel did a great job of weaving the pre- and post-collapse worlds together, sometimes with only a few sentences. One of my favorite examples of this (no spoilers) was when I read a chapter of minor characters in the pre-collapse world having a conversation when the story flashes forward to say:

“Of all of them there at the bar that night, the bartender was the one who survived the longest. He died three weeks later on the road out of the city” (15).

Shivers, amiright?

World-building/Atmosphere: This book balances tragedy and hope and redemption of human relationships in a seemingly isolated world. I felt completely enveloped in the landscape of this novel.

Sub-genres (Romance, Humor, Mystery, etc.): While I wouldn’t classify this novel as a mystery by any means, St. John Mandel by going backward and forward in time slowly puts together this puzzle of the connections between her cast of characters that is surprising satisfying. As well, while the topic is serious, she does a great job of balancing it with moments of levity.

FINAL VERDICT: If you are looking for adrenaline-filled adventure through a post-civilization wasteland with cannibals, shoot-outs, and villains, oh my!, then look elsewhere. For everyone else, this is a smart, satisfying read that will leave you wanting more.

Mr. Fox by Helen Oyeyemi Review

Fiction

324 pages

What makes a marriage? Is it the end of fairytale romance? It might be if your husband is the writer Mr Fox, who does devilish things to the heroines of his stories. His wife is unable to change his ways, but when his imaginary muse, Mary Foxe conjures herself one sunny afternoon and confronts him, things take an unexpected turn.

Completion: Oh, boy, was this a confusing mess of a book. I would definitely not have finished it if it wasn’t assigned for class.

Writing/Style: Oyeyemi definitely writes with a laissez faire approach. There are little to no clues to guide the reader. This book depends solely upon the reader to puzzle out these stories for meaning, plot, and character.

Characters: While Mary and Daphne were interesting, I found Mr. Fox extremely problematic and worrisome. The idea of a man taking such enjoyment from killing women, even if they are fictional, was immediately off-putting, and as I watched the story almost entirely diverged from the summary presented on the backcover (which seemed to suggest that Mr. Fox would realize his faults and that there would be redemption), I grew ever more frustrated with having to read such a toxic character.

Plot/Pacing: I liked the idea of the plot that the backcover gives; however, do not be fooled: that is not the story you will be getting. Most of the short stories taken on their own are interesting, but they are only weakly held together by this experiment of a novel.

World-building/Atmosphere: What world? What atmosphere? A reader must know things before they can comment. I spent the majority of this novel not knowing where or when this story takes place among other important details.

Sub-genres (Romance, Humor, Mystery, etc.): The novel attempts several sub-genres, but shoots itself in the foot with its own confusion and the horrible Mr. Fox. How can I approve of a romance (two different ones) when I abhor Mr. Fox and would not wish him on anybody? I believe this book attempts humor and perhaps mystery too, but without clarity and likable characters, these elements fall flat.

FINAL VERDICT: In the end, this book is too experimental for its own good. If you can actually figure out what is going on and still like it, more power to you. 

A Wizard of Earthsea by Ursula K. Le Guin Review

Fiction

255 pages

Ged, the greatest sorcerer in all Earthsea, was called Sparrowhawk in his reckless youth. Hungry for power and knowledge, Sparrowhawk tampered with long-held secrets and loosed a terrible shadow upon the world. This is the tale of his testing, how he mastered the mighty words of power, tamed an ancient dragon, and crossed death's threshold to restore the balance.

Completion: I had to read this for class (which is the only reason I finished it). It wasn’t hard to read per se, but there wasn’t really anything to keep me going either. Such as a shame, since I’ve only heard great things about Ursula K. Le Guin and her writing.

Writing/Style: The story is written in a very legend or fairytale-esque style. Because of this, there is such a distance between the reader and the characters that it makes it hard to know them and become invested in them. The writing itself feels like a background chapter you might get on an already established character that we care about. Imagine if Dumbledore (minus the humor, cleverness, etc.) had a rushed book about his childhood without us knowing Dumbledore as this amazing wizardly father figure for Harry. Knowing J.K. Rowling, she would still probably manage to turn that into a good story, but I digress. This book just seems a little backward, giving us the background chapter/story without purpose or interest.

Characters: The characters felt like cardboard cutouts. I could never relate/sympathize/invest in Ged, the main character. We seem to do get all the negative qualities about him (anger, pride, etc.) without any of the positive qualities, quirks, interests, and so on that would make us care or root for him. As well, we were often told things about characters and their relationships rather than following those story threads along. We get only a line or two before a character is announced to be the antagonist, and we are told that Ged and Vetch become great friends but I never see that or believe it.

Plot/Pacing: This book felt like it was on fast-forward. As well, while I understand that Le Guin was attempting to write something new and avoid certain cliches of fantasy, in the end this book felt like the pinnacle of high fantasy stereotypes.

World-building/Atmosphere: It is clear that Ursula knows a lot about this world from the geography to the different cultures; however, I the reader didn’t. Places and cultures fly by so quickly and are so many that none had a lasting impression on me. I never had time to really sink in and discover these interesting tidbits because the pacing kept rushing the characters on and on like pieces on a chessboard. This is a shame because I feel that if it had slowed down this world could have been as interesting and thorough as Westoros from Game of Thrones (well, maybe not that as good as Westoros, but just giving an example of another book that has a TON of information about places, cultures, lore, etc.).

Sub-genres (Romance, Humor, Mystery, etc.): Due to the style, we did not get much in the way of romance, humor, and mystery. All of those things can only be done well if we know and care about the characters, but these elements seemed to have been sacrificed in the name of style. However, if one would argue that there is a mystery, then it was not well done because I saw the ending and message coming from a mile away.

FINAL VERDICT: The style keeps the reader at a distance, and the pace pushes the characters from one scene to the next without much in the way of character development, humor, romance, mystery, and so on. While there are some interesting aspects to this novel, unless you particularly like a legend or fairytale-esque style of story, I would give it a pass. Simply put, most modern readers expect more in the way of character and plot development than what this book gives. 

Kelly Reads Twilight Reimagined Chapters 22, 23, 24, and Epilogue

Last time on Kelly Reads Twilight Reimagined…

We discovered that:

-Beau distrusts alarm clocks

-Beau can clench his fists and stare at walls for hours

-Beau has mastered the blank, vacant expression

This time…

CHAPTER 22

The chapter begins with Beau asking, “‘What was it?’ I’d lost control of my voice — it was flat, uncaring.” Which is pretty impressive, if I do say so myself. Most people sound angry when they lose control of their voice, but not our baby seal. It goes flat and uncaring like a neglected can of soda. Then Jessamine stares at him. Beau tries to keep his expression “vacant”. Howwww?

This is what I imagine

Archie, Jessamine, and Beau try to act like everything is all cool when, in fact, everything is not cool. Beau answers everything “robotically” which isn’t even a word. My spell check suggests “robotic ally” which sounds much more intriguing than what is actually going on in this book. Beau then goes into his room and…pffft…gets his “sock full of money”. So from one of the earlier chapters we found out that Beau keeps a hoard of cash in a tube sock, but he brought the sock with him?

Beau writes a goodbye note to Edythe. Archie with his super-duper psychic powers somehow doesn’t see this. They go to the airport. Beau escapes them with the good ‘ol bathroom trick. (Jessamine cannot go inside the men’s restroom and apparently there’s a second exit.)

Beau hops on a shuttle and then in cab, and he’s gone. He makes it to his house and calls Joss. Joss tells him to her at the ballet studio. Beau decides to run to the ballet studio which is only around the corner from his home (even though Joss didn’t give him a deadline or anything to make him hurry).

Of course, he trips over his own feet several times and even falls down and scrapes his hands. Oh, boy. There’s a lot of falling and lurching and plunging going on in this scene. Beau sees the ballet studio and thinks, “I couldn’t run anymore — I couldn’t breathe; fear had gotten the best of me.” Fear had gotten the best of you? Dude, I think it was the sidewalk that got the best of you. Also, not to judge, but you ran less than a block and can’t breathe. That’s not fear, man. That’s being out of shape.

Beau reads that the dance studio was closed for spring break and opens the door. Inside, the air conditioner was thrumming. But…why? A business wouldn’t keep the air conditioning when they are closed. Are you telling me that Joss, an immortal vampire, needed the air conditioning on? To not get sweaty? Also, for some reason, the carpet is damp. Whyyyy? Nevermind. I don’t even want to know.

Then, “Terror seized me so strongly that I was literally trapped by it.” Literally. Guys. Literally. Like Terror takes on a physical form like an abominable snowman and seizes Beau from behind and starts laughing manically. At least, that’s how I like to imagine it, but, please, imagine your own scene.

Then Joss reveals herself and the trick she pulled on Beau. His mom was never there. She was just replaying a home movie of his mom’s voice. Super clever. Blah blah blah. They discuss whether Edythe will avenge him. Beau’s confused why Joss is explaining everything to him and thinks, “I didn’t feel the need to rub it in to every cheeseburger I conquered.”

When you can't find a good meme and think well this one will work I guess. 

You know, I’m so glad that in this climatic scene we had enough time to mention cheeseburgers. Also, conquered, Beau? You conquer cheeseburgers. What an ego!

Joss beats Beau up, breaking his arm and other bones. He vomits. She bites him. Same old, same old. However, Meyer had to make him seem more heroic so she has him somehow push through his pain to break the camera Joss had been filming on to antagonize Edythe into chasing her.

Then this last bit of the chapter is confusing, but it seems like Beau failed to break the camera but when Joss pushed him into a wall, he started bleeding more, so the chapter ends with him hoping that she won’t be able to resist his blood and she will just kill him.

CHAPTER 23

The chapter begins with “Another scream on top of mine— a shriek like a chainsaw cutting through rebar.” Which is pretty impressive if you ask me. Not only does the shriek sound like a chainsaw, but not just any chainsaw, a chainsaw cutting through rebar. Whatever the fuck that sounds like. Then there’s a “metallic snarl” — how???? Then a “thrumming growl” — I freakin’ give up. Is it just me or are all vampires related to chainsaws?

Then Edythe screams and apparently she still sounds like an angel. Somehow. I don’t know how, but I guess that doesn’t matter in this book.

The gang shows up. Edythe tries to suck Joss’ venom out of Beau, but unlike Edward who was determined and brave and able to stop drinking Bella’s blood, Edythe has to be slapped out of it by Archie. Archie says it’s too late, and there’s only two futures left: one where Beau becomes a vampire and one where he dies. They ask Beau. Beau, of course, says he wants to be a vampire so he can be with Edythe.

The chapter ends with Edythe biting his neck to make the transformation faster.

What a shame. I was so hoping to see Beau pregnant with an evil vampire spawn.

I should probably be more shocked, but I’m not.

CHAPTER 24

Edythe and gang chuck Beau’s ass in a car and start their drive back to Forks, I’m guessing, because they don’t quite say. Beau’s going through the most horrific pain in the history of ever soooo naturally Edythe and Archie decide it’s time for a little exposition. Let’s make sure to educate the patient as they are going in and out of consciousness, everyone!

Also, while I appreciate the fact that Edythe is considerate enough to tell Beau that he doesn’t have to stay with her just because he’s a vampire now, does she really have no qualms or morals about Beau eating people? You see, she snaps at Archie when he suggests that the Cullens will be expecting a lot out of him (not eating people), and Edythe says, “I won’t hold him to that. He didn’t choose this. He’s free to become whatever he wants to be.”

Uh…a murderer. Free to become a murderer. You know, regular humans are free to become that too. We just lock them away for it.

Edythe then warns him after taking a deep breath, “‘I should probably warn you about your eyes. They won’t be blue anymore.’ Another half-sob.”

GASP. What? No. Really? This is what we need to be worried about right now? Also, how do you half-sob? Like you start to sob, but then realize that what you are worried about is stupid so you stop halfway?

Now Edythe is telling Beau all the vampire rules he has to follow and about the Volturi, the evil secret vampires that rule on hearsay and tattle-talers. Also, Edythe is so overly emotional in this scene that every five seconds Archie has to tell her to stop being emotional. Which is not helpful. Which is rude. And also I don’t think Edward ever got this emotional even when he was ripping out Bella’s uterus so…where is this coming from? Oh, right. Having a vagina means you are inherently more emotional.

Then, “She talked all night without a break, until the sun came up and I could see her face again.” All night? Without a break? Jeez! Why?!!!

Uh…also if I remember Twilight correctly then that means Stephanie Meyer completely rewrote the backstory of the Volturi. So I remember Aro (the leader with the weird ass laugh if you’ve watched the movies) killed his sister who was his friend Marcus’ wife. HOWEVER, it is now saying that Aro’s wife Sulpicia witnessed the murder, tattled on her husband Aro, found a girl that can suck out vampire powers, and then had Aro killed. Whoa. Talk about a rewrite much. However, I think this change is so silly and pointless and so forced in this context that I’m just going to skip it.

They make it back to the Cullen house, and they are just leisurely telling stories now. Dude, when I’m in pain, like regular human pain and shit, I cannot hardly focus, and you are telling me that this supernatural vampire fire pain is SOOOO BAD that he can be moved about, put in a car for hours on end, told important information that he is expected to remember, and listen to stories for the heck of it???

They tell Beau about the werewolves and Jessamine’s backstory. But Earnest’s/Esme’s story is the real doosey. Esme had a baby boy who died so she jumped off a cliff. In Earnest’s story he had an unstable, alcoholic wife who jumps off a cliff in a DRUNKEN RAMPAGE with his daughter (who he loved more than his own soul). What? Who? When? How? Why? WHAT?! Seriously? Who jumps off a cliff in a drunken rampage? Why did his backstory have to change at all? This feels so sexist to me…

Also, Royal/Rosalie gets a new backstory. Apparently, he was going to marry a beautiful girl and become heir to her dynasty, but then he was between to death by her lover from a rival criminal syndicate. Righhttttt….

Two pages of the fire in his body. Then he’s full vamp. Then AHA! We come full circle as he sees that his eyes are no longer undecided and “they were suddenly more resolved.” I don’t know about you, but I’m so glad that plot point became resolved. I know you were worried about it too. Don’t lie. You were thinking, “Well, that’s all fine and good and all, but, Kelly, what about his unresolved eyes? Will they ever be resolved?” I know, I know. Closure and it feels so good. 

Beau and Edythe go outside to go hunting. Edythe still can’t read Beau’s mind. Edythe thinks Beau’s going to yell at her for turning him into a vampire. She’s wrong. Then we get this little nauseating scene:

“‘Beau, you are amazing.’

‘I guess I am now.

You always have been.’”

BARF. Then Beau tries to be nice by saying that if Edythe ever gets tired of her that he will leave, but when she tries to object he just covers her mouth with his hand. Not to get all Full House up in here, but…

Luckily, oddly, thankfully, Edythe addresses this with, “‘You’re lucky I didn’t bite you…The next time you put your hand on my mouth to say something so completely idiotic — and insulting — I will.’”

Then they skip off into the forests to kill Bambi.

EPILOGUE: AN OCCASION

So you might be wondering if the “occasion” is some forced way to fit in Renesme or a meeting with the Volturi. It’s not. Beau and Edythe are from a distance “attending” his own funeral. Apparently, Archie and Eleanor STOLE A BODY to fake Beau’s death by having his truck crash and burn. Oh, but that’s just glossed over. No big deal, right?

Beau’s describing the graveside service by announcing who all is there and who is wearing what. He notices quite a few of his classmates there and thinks so so eloquently, “It probably made them think about their own mortality and all of that.” Then Beau talks about “the reverend giving some kind of speech — a sermon? — my mom and dad…” Whoa, there. Are you sure this isn’t a rough draft? Why it so important that Beau doesn’t know what a sermon is and has to guess that that is what it is just to make that awkward hiccup of a sentence? Why???

Then Beau asks what Edythe would have done if he hadn’t turned into a vampire. Much like Edward, she planned to keep him human and stay with him as he aged and died. Beau tells her that would have been a horrible idea because people would think he was her dad/granddad and he would probably be locked up. Edythe then smiles and says, “That wouldn’t have bothered me. And if anyone had locked you up, I would have busted you out.” And that wouldn’t have broken the Volturi rules? 

Yep. That’s it. You are both so stupid that they deserve each other. Thankfully, they can never breed in this version.

Stephanie Meyer is practicing winking to the camera now. Beau’s thinking out load of how much better it would have been if they had graduated together, had a big wedding where everyone was invited, give really sappy speeches, and then go away to a school somewhere far away. So…the original Twilight. We get it, we get it.

Then Edythe chimes in that would only end in a double funeral (a fake one for her and him). Then Beau talks about maybe he could control his vampire hunger and visit his parents. Edythe is dubious and rolls her eyes saying that then they would have to worry about never aging and getting on the bad side of the Volturi and how that wouldn’t end well. They agree there is no other version. OH, THE IRONY. I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE, MEYER. SO CLEVER.

Then there’s a big hubbub because the Quileute werewolves think that the Cullens broke the treaty and seriously all of this shouldn’t be going on in an epilogue. You are supposed to wrap shit up, not start new shit. Jeez. Beau awkwardly explains that the Cullens didn’t break the treaty. The werewolves want to rendezvous later with them. Archie is terrified because he cannot see the future with werewolves involved.

Then things go down like this:

BONNIE: You broke the treaty.

EDYTHE: We didn’t break the treaty.

BEAU: They didn’t break the treaty.

BONNIE: I guess they didn’t break the treaty. But I don’t like it.

CARINE: Let’s be friends.

BONNIE: No.

Then, Beau asks if Bonnie will take care of his dad and tell Jules the truth about him. THEN, it seems to hint that Jules was there because this unnamed tall girl with short hair starts shedding a tear over this. In which case, WHY IN THE EVER LOVING FUCK CAN’T BEAU RECOGNIZE HIS OWN FUCKING FRIEND? Seriously? SERIOUSLY? She had a growth spurt and a haircut and suddenly she is unrecognizable.

Blah blah blah. Edythe is surprised that Beau didn’t eat Bonnie because he's a newborn vampire, and then they skip their sparkly asses off into the sunset.

...

IT’S FINALLY OVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

I did it. I finally finished Twilight Reimagined. Thanks for sticking with me. Ugh. I'm so done. I need a drink, but alas it is a school day. Bye, ya'll.