Kelly Reads The Haunted Vagina Chapters 2 and 3

CHAPTER 2

You know, for a scary erotica, I’m neither aroused or scared.

Chapter 2 begins with Steve describing how Stacy easts a Carl’s Jr. Burger. Oddly, specific and completely irrelevant to the story, but okay. Steve talks about how cute Stacy is for separating out all the parts of the burger, cutting them into bite-size pieces, and then eating them. Then Steve explains how he eats food by making sure his lips never touch the utensil. This causes his teeth to scrape the fork constantly. Which is obnoxious. I hate Steve. Stacy apparently doesn’t like this either, but Steve won’t stop because she’s even cuter when she’s annoyed. Uh. That’s not exactly a great life strategy. Also, it’s kind of sexist. You are going to invalid my anger and not correct your behavior because I look cute when annoyed?

The rest of the chapter describes the other supposedly cute things Stacy does including always ordering food that is not part of the restaurant’s theme (i.e. eating burgers at Mexican restaurants, eating salad at a German place, etc.) Sadly, this where the chapter ends. No really. We got three freakin’ pages of likes and dislikes, people. Let me remind you, this book has won awards. This book is sold out on Amazon.

This is crazy.

CHAPTER 3

Steve and Stacy are having issues because Steve won’t have sex with her because he is too scared of her vagina. They finally agree to have oral sex by 69-ing, and Stacy promises to keep her legs closed so that Steve won’t hear her vagina. Also, apparently her pet name for her clitoris is glowworm. It doesn’t glow, mind you, but whatever.

So they are having sex, when Steve thinks about the fact that Stacy does fish lips to give oral which makes him aroused. Granted, with the amount of people doing fish lips on social media, I’m glad someone likes it. Then we get this odd sentence, “I can see the crack of her vagina completely now, staring up at me as I lick.” Do you see what I see? “Staring”? Vaginas don’t normally stare so in a different book I would be able to write this off, butttt this is The Haunted Vagina. Does her vagina have eyes? Or does something in her vagina have eyes that he’s seeing?

Also, I would like to point out that the word “flesh” is not sexy. It’s just such a weird word to use in a erotica. Like, unless you are talking about a corpse, could we not? ‘Kay? Thanks.

Okay so as they are about to climax her belly starts to expand as if she were pregnant and then it continues growing so that “She’s getting almost twice as pregnant.” And this boy’s telling me that in a year’s time he didn’t know something was up with his girlfriend? Uh-huh. Also, if she is looking pregnant, that’s more than just a vagina. That’s like a haunted uterus, a haunted fallopian tubes, and so on. Damn, this book’s title is so inaccurate. It should really be The Haunted Woman Bits.

Then as Steve is cumming a skeletal hand comes out of Stacy’s vagina so Stever jumps backward so that “My penis shoved completely down her throat, cumming inside her.” So, of course, in this scene I suppose I should be either scared or amused by the skeletal creature coming out of her vagina, but I can only think about the idea of suffocating on cum. Death by cum. What a sad way to go…

The skeleton starts trying to emerge completely from her vagina, but it seems more like a cartoon skeleton than anything else since it is “Animated, chattering its teeth.” The skeleton starts growing a body (eyes, skin, and all that jazz) and Steve tries to kill it with a lamp and then finally succeeds with dropping a nightstand on it. Blah blah blah. Of course, after this episode, all I think of is:

The end of this chapter is Stacy running away. Instead of Steve. Which is weird. Good day. May a skeleton not come out of your nether regions. 

Kelly Reads The Haunted Vagina Chapter 1

CHAPTER 1

You know I never thought I would read “hairy flesh seashell” in a piece of literature before. Confused? Oh, maybe I should rewind and start at the beginning.

You all asked for this. You voted for me to read The Haunted Vagina as my next Kelly Reads series. Disclaimer: as the title might suggest, this novel has some sexy time stuff in it. You’ve been warned. So…here we go!

The book begins with Steve being a bit special needs. He tells the reader that he was with Stacy for over a year before he realized her vagina was haunted. Yep. Over a year. Mind you, this isn’t a quiet haunted vagina. Granted, I don’t even know exactly what a quiet haunted vagina would be. A yeast infection?

Anywho, this haunted vagina makes noises. Whispers. Laughs. Cries. Howls. The whole works. And little ol’ Steve here was with her for a WHOLE YEAR before he figures this shit out. What, was her vagina just being polite whenever they went out to eat or watch movies? Could she turn it off like you would your phone? However, once they get engaged and she moves in, Steve begins to sense something is a bit off. First, he thought it was her snoring. Then he thought it was the television.

Then he asks Stacy and she’s just like, “Oh, it’s my vagina.”

And he’s like, “But, really. What is it?”

And she’s like, “It’s tots my vagina. Listen.” And presses his ear against her vagina.

Wow. So Steve must have some real issues whenever someone is talking in another room or anything that requires any auditory awareness of distance. Like he never noticed that the noises got louder when he was closer to her? I’m definitely assuming he has never given her oral then.

Then she says she has a ghost in her vagina. He asks how. She says that she doesn’t know, but it’s been there a long time. He asks why she doesn’t call a priest. And she sarcastically responds, “What’s a priest going to do? Stick a cross up there and cast the spirits out?”

Whoa! You got a ghost up your va jay jay and you sassing priests? Like, yes, I’m agnostic, and I find religious people to be a bit wacky, but beggars can’t be choosers now. But, noooo, apparently she likes it. It makes her unique.

(Side note: Is it weird that I like the fact that she has pubic hair? I feel like most people shy away from pubic hair because we are taught that it’s nasty, so I guess I kind of like the fact that a girl with pubic hair is represented…even if it’s in a weird book like this?)

Then Stacy says, “My other boyfriends thought it was kind of sexy.” Uh-huh…sureeeeee…..

They then have sex even though he finds her haunted vagina repulsive and classifies their sex as “the most awkward sex I’d ever had” which makes me wonder if this was completely consensual. Also, during sex, she sucks on his “crusty lower lip”. Crusty? Really? Why is his lip crusty? Out of all the ways to describe a lip, why crusty? Yuck.

Okay. Then we get the story of how the met. You ready? The both feel asleep on a city bus together on each other — complete strangers, mind you — and when they wake up, she asks if he wants to go back to her place to sleep some more. Yep. That’s not a euphemism for having sex (which Steve was confused by as well). She really just wants to sleep with him. They both go back to her place and cuddle. Steve adds “We didn’t even know each other’s names…” SAY WHAT?! So, you are telling me that you woke up on the bus, walked to her place, stripped down to your undies, and cuddled together, and in all that time NEVER asked what the other’s name was????

Then they continued this cuddle fest for three weeks. THREE WEEKS. And this story wants me to believe Steve never heard a peep from her haunted vagina? Now, back in the beginning, Steve mentions that he first noticed the odd sounds coming from her when she slept. Well, okay, you could maybe rationalize that the noises only ever came from her when she was sleeping, and if Steve never slept with her or spent the night, maybe he wouldn’t have heard it before. BUT, that’s the friggin’ start to their relationship. They were sleeping together from the beginning!!! Are you telling me Steve is really that dense or hard of hearing or…dense?

Apparently, they didn’t talk very much or make an effort to get to know each other. It says that “To her, I was just a stuffed animal with a heartbeat.” Wow, that’s cold. Now we are getting her backstory (before this all we knew was that she was Asian). Just read how unbelievable this is:

“I found out her favorite food was stuffed grape leaves and her favorite films were all Russian. She was born in Thailand but was adopted by a wealthy African American couple before she could walk, and spent most of her life in an upscale suburb outside Los Angeles. She spent ten years at the university here in Portland, getting degrees in every subject she could acquire. She wasn’t interested in a career. She just liked learning new things, and her parents paid for everything until she turned thirty. That’s when they cut her off and she had to drop out to get a job. Unfortunately, her degrees in Philosophy, History, Russian, Anthropology, Psychology, and Humanities were useless in the job market, so she worked at one of the hipster clothing stores downtown. That’s when she decided her real passion in life was fashion design, and she’s been saving up her money to go back to school ever since.”

OMG. Someone couldn’t decide what they wanted their character to be, so they gave them all the things! I mean, none of these are impossible alone, but together? Pffffftttttt what the hell! Paid for her college until she was thirty? Jeez! Could her parents adopt me? Also, she got degrees in every subject she could? She has six degrees including Russian and Psychology, and they are all useless in the job market? All of them? I mean I know that everyone makes fun of degrees in the Humanities for being useless which is why you get memes like this:

But if this girl can get six degrees including a science degree and a foreign language degree and still not get a job? Hell, we’re all screwed then.

Then we find out that Steve tried to be a musician for 10 years before giving up. Stacy then decides she wants to start a band, and Steve asks if he can be in it, and she says no. What a jerk. You know, considering that’s the only thing he wanted to do with his life. We can’t all have a kajillion useless degrees paid for by our rich African American adoptive parents. Jeez, Stacy…

Then they pass by a grubby homeless man named Donut. I should probably question why his name is Donut, but if I were to question everything we would never finish this. Steve surprises himself by wrapping his coat around the homeless man. Steve then explains how he hasn’t even given money to the homeless in years since he switched from carrying cash to a debit card. I don’t know why this is important, but apparently the author thought it was.

Then Steve talks about how Donut would follow him around asking for change and wouldn’t stop following him even when Steve gave him change and then when Steve refused to give Donut change, Donut would call him a racist. Steve is still surprised that he wrapped his coat around Donut, so we spent a page and a half for Steve to explain why he was confused with a gesture that still doesn’t have significance to the story. Also, his coat was $200! Seriously, I’m more shocked by the price than the gesture, considering he’s a failed musician but whatever.

Apparently, it is this gesture that makes Stacy love him. A gesture that Steve explains is uncommon for him and that even he doesn’t know why he did it….true love, eh? However, even this is muddled because apparently she tells him she loves him “with her shiny dark eyes”.

Looks in bag. Oh, look at that. I’m out of fucks already.

Stay tuned for Chapter 2. Maybe I'll find some fucks to give by next Tuesday.  

Kelly Reads Twilight Reimagined Chapter 11

Last time on Kelly Reads Twilight Reimagined…

We discovered that:

-Beau broke the man code

-Edythe used science to argue whether she or Beau was more obsessed with the other

-Edythe’s dimples are like firework displays

This time…

CHAPTER 11

In Biology the class is watching a movie. Beau and Edythe go through the same electrifying lights-out experience as Bella and Edward. At the end of class Edythe “scooped her bag up with one finger.” This is the heavy bag from before, mind you. I thought she was just doing that to show Beau her strength, but maybe she just always lifts up heavy things with one finger?

Beau goes to Gym class and is horrible at everything. He teams up with McKayla and accidentally hits her with his racket. McKayla asks, “You and Edythe Cullen, huh?” Beau replies, “Yeah, me and Edythe Cullen” which makes it sounds like they are together as a couple even though they’ve never had that conversation. I don’t think Bella and Edward ever do either, but at least Bella in the beginning wasn’t going around practically saying they were already a couple. Anyway, McKayla is angry and storms off.

Edythe and Beau are walking to the car when Beau finds out that Edythe has been mentally-eavesdropping on Beau when he was in Gym class. Edythe comments, “It was very entertaining. Though I wouldn’t have minded if you’d hit that girl just a little harder.”

Uh…please don’t tell me we are making Edythe unnecessarily catty? Yes, Edward didn’t like Mike either, but Edward always gave me the impression that Mike was like an annoying gnat to him. The last thing I want is for Edythe to have some insecure bitch fight with a human teenager.

Also, in Twilight, Bella gets upset at this invasion of privacy and demands an apology. She also tries to get Edward to agree to not do it again, though he doesn’t agree to it. Beau, on the other hand, doesn’t care at all.

They see McKayla walking away and Edythe says, “It’s been a while since someone besides family thought those kinds of words about me. I don’t think I like it.” Wow. I’m not finding this in the original story; however, it could have been moved from somewhere else. Still though. Damn. How frequently do you piss everyone in your family off, Edythe? Jeez…

Beau and Edythe talk about how dangerous it would be for Beau to be near her when she’s hunting. Then there’s this: “Her low voice wasn’t so smooth — more like raw silk now — and her eyes were on the clouds again.” Seriously? Raw silk? I know “smooth as silk” is a common, cliched description, but what does raw silk even feel like? How does a voice sound like raw silk or normal silk for that matter? There are so many words that describe not smooth voices. Why wouldn’t you go with one of those?

Edythe and Beau go there separate ways with Edythe saying that tomorrow she will be the one asking the questions. Beau goes to bed, dreams about Edythe, and wakes up the next day. After showering, he looks in the mirror and thinks this:

“I looked the same as always, and yet there was something different. My hair was dark and too thick, my skin too pale, and my bones were all shaped the same underneath, no change there. My eyes ere the same light blue staring back at me…but I realized they were the culprits. I’d always thought it was the color of that made them — and by extension, the rest of my face — look so uncertain, but thought the color hadn’t changed, the lack of resolve had. The boy who looked back at me today was determined, sure of his course. I wondered when that had happened.”

I don’t even know what to say to this. I’m glad that your bones are shaped the same underneath your skin? Was that a concern before? His eyes are now culprits? Huh? Moving on…

Edythe is asking Beau a bunch of questions like his favorite color, favorite music, and so on. Then Beau mentions she hasn’t asked him one particular question which is the most embarrassing thing he has ever done and so she asks him about it. Beau has “Patches of red flared in my cheeks” again, but then he continues with “I was supposed to look emotional. Anyway, the pretty guy in the melodramatic soap my mom used to watch religiously looked fired up when he did this scene. Thanks to him, at least I had a general outline for my script.”

So Beau takes direction from soap operas for his real life? God, this would have been such an entertaining book if he actually did. Can you imagine? Like Degrassi on crack except he is the only person acting outrageous and stupid, and everyone is like “Ummm…whatcha doing, new kid?” and he replies, “Getting my revenge on Stephenie Meyer for, in fact, I used to be a girl, but the evil forces of capitalism came and I became pregnant and then became a vampire and then I was reborn in a hospital with this male body.” Then, all his classmates slowly back away, asking why all the transfer kids are crazy. Anywho…

Beau walks up to Taylor and asks if he can talk to her. Everyone around them is watching. Beau begins by saying, “Look…I can’t do this anymore”, and Taylor looks confused. He continues by saying:

“‘I’m tired of being a pawn in your game, Taylor. Do you even realize that I have feelings of my own? And all I can do is watch while you use me to make someone else jealous.’ My eyes darted quickly to Logan whose mouth was hanging open, and back to Taylor. ‘You don’t care if you break my heart in the process. Is it being beautiful that’s made you so cruel?’”

Excuse me. I…I…I don’t know what to say to this. Really, I don’t. I really should check to see how Bella dealt with Tyler in Twilight (even though I know there wasn’t a scene anything like this), but I…kind of threw my book down in anger. Just what? Why? How? Words? I need a moment. I’ll be back in a few.

***

Okay. I’m back. I picked up the book. Let’s see if we can finish this chapter, shall we? So apparently Beau’s soap opera moment was so he could get out of going to prom with Taylor. What a manly man? I’m so not sure why that scene exists or what it was meant to be. Funny? Serious? Make me worry about the sanity/intelligence of the character? Jeez…

So Beau and Edythe go to Biology where they have another movie day. Beau talks about the “electricity” between them again which made me think…does he have a boner right now? Not that Meyer would ever mention it if she did, but I would just imagine Beau would have other concerns in scenes like this than Bella would have…

Throughout the day, Edythe continues to bombard Beau with question after question. Tomorrow they are going to hang out. Beau asks if it will be his turn again to ask questions. She says no, and Beau asks what more is there. Edythe “displayed the dimples” as she says that he’ll find out tomorrow. The chapter ends with Charlie coming home with Jules and Jules’ mother Bonnie who catch Beau with Edythe. Beau realizes that Bonnie believes in the tribe’s vampire legends. 

Kelly Reads Twilight Reimagined: Chapters 6, 7, and 8

Last time on Kelly Reads Twilight Reimagined…

We discovered that:

-Beau really wants be OCD

-Manly version of a blush is a rash

-Beau has a weak vasovagal system

This time…

CHAPTER 6

For those of you who remember last time, I was annoyed that Beau wasn’t teased for nearly fainting. Well, Stephenie Meyer must have heard me because in this chapter there is finally some realistic reactions!

“Of course there were all the fainting comments. Jeremy especially seemed to get a kick out of that story. He laughed till he choked when Logan pretended to swoon at the lunch table.”

Yes! See? Was that so hard? Not only does it add to the characters, but it just seems more realistic. That’s all. While I do wish we would have gotten this sooner, I do give Meyer some small props for including it at all.

Now, for those of you who only saw the movies, you’ve never had the misfortune of being dragged through all the character relationship subplots. A lot of time is spent on minor characters such Mike and Jessica (now McKayla and Jeremy). Unfortunately, none of this is done well. For as much time as we are given with them, I really don’t care if Jeremy is upset that McKayla wants to sit next Beau. I don’t care if McKayla is unhappy when Jeremy sits between her and Beau. There are so many human side characters that don’t progress the plot and aren’t developed enough for me to like them.

Okay, so Beau and human gang are at La Push Beach. Beau goes for a walk with Jules (Jacob Black) and Jules tells him about the native legends. If you’ve read Twilight, then you will remember that Bella tries to flirt by acting “alluring” and “smoldering” to get this information out of Jacob. Beau does nothing of the sort which bums me out. I would have loved whatever ridiculous way Beau tries to flirt. Instead Beau asks questions and then Jules goes straight into the story. I can’t figure out if Meyer did this because Beau is just so MANLY he doesn’t need to flirt or if Jacob as a girl is even more chatty.

Also, in this chapter Dr. Cullen’s name is revealed as Carine and Jules mentions in her story that the leader of the vampires was Carine. This means that it is even more obvious the the native legends are referring to the Cullens than in Twilight. While this isn’t horrible, it was already pretty heavy-handed in Twilight that the Cold Ones are the Cullens who are vampires so the direct name reference seems unnecessary and further kills the mysterious atmosphere that the story is trying so hard to create. It’s not succeeding, but hell if it isn’t trying.

The chapter ends with Beau going home trying “very hard not to think.” Anyone else noticing that Beau likes to not think a lot?

CHAPTER 7

Here’s the other thing about Twilight and thus Twilight Reimagined. There is so much filler. Beau has a nightmare about the native legends about Edythe and Jules. However, when Beau wakes up we get the brilliant details of him:

-undressing

-showering

-dressing

-dialing up his Internet

-eating cereal

-putting the bowl and spoon away

-putting away his CD player and headphones

-googling vampires

Oh, boy! Don’t you feel more informed, more entertained, more excited now that you’ve gotten all that! No? Me neither. I’m surprised we didn’t get some detail about him being on the toilet or brushing his teeth.

Beau is pondering the idea of whether Edythe is a vampire or not and what he should do about it. He starts this inner dialogue in his room in the early morning and then decides to walk into the woods. Woods where maybe a vampire could be, perhaps? Oh , well. Maybe he’ll get eaten. Granted Bella did this too, but I love how quickly they are able to figure out what they DO know for sure.

“There was one thing I was sure of, if I was sure of anything. The black-gowned Edythe [from his dream] with the sharp teeth and nails was just embodiment of the word Jules had said [vampire], and not the real Edythe.”

Um? Excuse me? Do you mean the girl you’ve talked to for maybe ten minutes? The girl who constantly confuses you with her words and behavior? In the end, Beau, like Bella, decides to do nothing.

At school, McKayla asks Beau out, and Beau dodges it by using “man codes” as an excuse. Otherwise, nothing much happens. Edythe and family is gone for two days straight. Beau is invited to go Port Angeles with his friends and the chapter ends as the drive out of town.

CHAPTER 8

Oh, oh, oh! I just realized this is the chapter where in Twilight Bella is ganged up on by a bunch of guys and is in trouble of being raped when Edward saves her in his Volvo. Will Beau be ganged up on by a bunch of girls? Or guys? Will the guys have guns? Let’s see how Meyer twists it…

OMG. So Beau goes to a bookstore away from his friends then takes a walk where he gets lost. He then comes across a “huddled circle of people”, and at first I think we are going to get this horribly stereotyped evil hobos’ scene, right? There are four men and two women, quickly hiding things in their pockets when he walks by and he thinks one of the men has a gun. Beau keeps walking, but then he hears a voice behind him whisper:

“It’s a cop.”

Wait. What? Oh, see that teenage boy who scampered by? Totally a cop. No uniform. No police car. No partner. Fear in his eyes. Absolutely, 100% a cop. Realizing he’s in trouble, Beau now picks up the pace and “watched the pavement so I wouldn’t trip again.” Seriously? This is meant to read as an intense, suspenseful chase and our protagonist is staring at the ground with the only thing running through his mind is that he hopes he doesn’t trip again? Alrighty, then…

OH! So that tatted dude and his girl from the airport in Chapter 1 are here! Suddenly, everyone seems to have a gun! GOD I’M LAUGHING SO HARD RIGHT NOW! I was just joking about the guns!!! Do you get it? There’s more action because Beau is a MANNNNN.

Apparently, the tatted guy and girl saw Beau with his dad in his police uniform so that’s why they think he’s a cop. As a teenager. Okay, I guess…

Edythe appears in her trusty Volvo, and Beau hops in the car but has to convince her to drive away even after telling her that the other people have guns. Why aren’t they shooting? Why would Edythe wait, putting Beau in danger? It seems like Edythe wants to go out and hurt, if not kill, those people, but wouldn’t that completely blow her secret? In Twilight, Edward drives away quickly but then is so mad he wants to turn around. Bella is already safe by the time Edward starts debating going back on his own. By adding the guns, the hesitation makes even less sense.

Also, it was already unbelievable in Twilight for Bella to not be in shock from coming out of a situation where she was almost gang-raped. But for Beau to not be in shock or worse from being chased by a group of people with guns who were planning to kill you? Asking Edythe what’s wrong? Being confused as to why Edythe is angry? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!!! I just can’t even right now…

Edythe and Beau decide to go to a restaurant. And then there’s this narration:

“Honestly, almost being murdered was not the most interesting thing that had happened to me tonight, and I hadn’t really thought much about it.”

Oh, don’t worry, Beau. I don’t think any one assumed you did much thinking at all. Beau is cold because he left his jacket in Jeremy’s car so Edythe gives him a “bone-colored scarf”. Uh, so white, then? **Facepalm**

Okay. It’s official. Beau has a skin condition. “A patch of warmth started to bloom on the side of his neck.” Also, is it just me or is it a bit ironic that Meyer said in the Foreword that Beau has less flowery language and yet everything seems to “bloom” on him?

Beau rejects Edythe’s scarf. I repeat Beau rejects the scarf. Edythe even tries reassuring him it’s not a “lady scarf” because she stole it from Archie. He eventually accepts the scarf and apparently he’s never worn a scarf before so he’s getting the scarf feels right about now. He thinks about how he should own a scarf to hide the red covering his neck. He literally just stole what I was thinking. Conceal, don’t feel that blooming red spot, Beau. Conceal, don’t feel.

Maybe Elsa could make him an ice scarf?

Edythe makes a joke and now Beau is giving her “a dark look as I chewed.” Is that even possible? (He’s eating a breadstick, by the way.) I just can’t picture it. Please attach a picture down below if you can give a dark look as you chew. This is scientific research, people.

Edythe explains vaguely her mind-reading ability, and Beau thanks her for saving his life twice. She clarifies that she’s saved his life three times. The first was from herself and that he can leave if he wants and Beau just sits there and “patted her hands, totally calm.” What? Who? Oh, right, it’s Beau. Moving on!

I do like that fact that Beau really wants to pay for the meal, and Edythe won’t let him, saying: “Try not to get caught up in antiquated gender roles.” Unfortunately, then Beau thinks and does this:

“I passed her, hurrying again to get the door [for her], ignoring what she’d said about antiquated roles…She gave me a strange look when I held the door open — like she was kind of touched by the gesture, but also annoyed by it at the same time. I decided to overlook the annoyed part, and I scrambled past her to hold the car door too.”

Do you see the problem here? It’s not that he wanted to pay or even holding open the door. It’s not listening to what she wants. It’s overlooking her annoyance. If someone doesn’t want you to do something and you do it anyway, that’s NOT chivalry. If you are getting strange looks and can sense their annoyance, you are making them uncomfortable and that’s NOT okay. DO NOT DO THIS.

The chapter ends with them getting into her car and hinting at more questions to come.

Come back next Tuesday for more Kelly Reads Twilight Reimagined!