Last time on Kelly Reads Twilight Reimagined…
We discovered that:
Being a MAN= prison imagery + guns + red patches + smelling vinegar instead of coconut + unresolved eyes
This time…
CHAPTER 2
It’s the second day of school for Beau, and he’s starting to get into the groove of things. Except for P.E. Much like Bella, he sucks at it and “the patches of red” make a second appearance. Then Beau sees the Cullens minus Edythe (Edward) and makes this astute observation about he-Rosalie (Royal) putting his hand around she-Emmett: “I was still kind of surprised he felt comfortable doing that. Not that she wasn’t hot — she was super, mega hot — but not…approachable. Like, not even the Rock would dare to whistle at her, if you know what I mean.” I mean, wow, did he just reference the Rock? Oh, right, I forgot: Beau is a MANNNN.
Beau gets the groceries and starts to organize the kitchen, thinking “I hope Charlie wouldn’t mind, that he wasn’t OCD about his kitchen the way I was.” I know we live in an age where people willy-nilly reference and claim mental illnesses so casually, but I was kind of hoping that between a writer, an editor, and a publisher someone would rethink putting it in a book this callously.
More exposition of the progressing week. Over the weekend, Beau “wrote my mom more fake cheerful e-mails, got ahead on my homework, and cleaned up my house — obviously OCD wasn’t a problem for Charlie.” Okay, here’s the thing: is he really OCD or not? If he really was and Meyer handled it well, it would have been fine. However, OCD isn’t casual and it sure as hell isn’t a minor annoyance for most. Furthermore, this really adds nothing to his character or the rest of the story. Nothing would be lost by dropping this.
Beau is now back in Biology, and Edythe has reappeared and being — GASP — nice. Beau is embarrassed that he has “splotches blooming across my cheeks”, but, like, seriously, man, go to the doctor already. That can’t be normal. Plus, I hear that Dr. Cullen is hot.
In Biology, they are looking and labeling phases through a microscope. In Twilight, Bella is actually confident, if not a little cocky (having done the assignment before), and steps up to the plate. She correctly identifies her slides and even challenges Edward’s labeling after he doubts hers. It’s one of the few times when Bella starts to develop an active personality.
Beau, on the other hand, loses even this. He has no initiative to look at the slides and takes Edythe’s labeling without question. He even manages to drop two of the slides, which Edythe catches before they break. Yet, later Beau, like Bella, still admits to having done the assignment before in an advanced placement program back in Phoenix.
Everything else is about the same. Edythe asks why Beau moved to Forks. He tells her his mom wanted to travel with his stepdad so he volunteered to live with his dad. Edythe confuses Beau with her odd behavior, and the chapter ends with Beau driving back home from school.
CHAPTER 3
Chapter 3 is almost identical to Twilight. Edythe saves Beau from getting hit by the van. Edythe is even more mysterious and all that jazz.
CHAPTER 4
Of course, we can’t forget about the good ol’ girls’ choice dance where now that the genders are swapped some girls are actually doing the asking. Beau says no with the same excuses Bella gives of not liking dances and being in Seattle that weekend. After the third girl asks Beau, Beau can feel “the red patches staining my face.” WHY IS IT SO BAD FOR A GUY TO BLUSH? I mean, really, now. It is a basic human reaction. You are not any less manly if you blush. This is my PSA to men everywhere. Blushing is not girl-y and it is not a rash. Alright? Now that we got that out of the way…
Beau and Edythe are talking outside when it starts to rain. Beau notes:
“She was apparently wearing no makeup at all — nothing smudged or ran. Of course, her face was just that perfect naturally. For a second, I was actually angry — angry that she had to be so beautiful.”
Yes, I know Edythe is a mystical creature. Yes, I know Edythe in this mythology is supposed to be unnaturally, superhumanly gorgeous. It just bothers me that Beau assumes that she is so naturally beautiful that she doesn’t need makeup. Women don’t use makeup solely to hide their lack beauty, you know? Some of us just like wearing makeup. Some of us like artistically expressing ourselves with stuff that we put on our face. Sometimes beautiful women wear makeup — GASP! And there’s nothing wrong with it. And it’s a hella more natural that whatever rash Beau keeps producing on his face.
Anywho, they decide to go to Seattle together. The chapter ends with Edythe telling Beau it would be better if they weren’t friends and Beau being more confused than ever.
CHAPTER 5
FYI this is the chapter where Beau and Edythe eat lunch together for the first time and talk. It’s pretty much the same as Twilight so I’m just going to skip it. (It’s the scene where they discuss Beau’s theories about her like whether or not she got bit by a radioactive spider.)
I’m not even going to comment on this, but I’ll just leave it here: “Patches of red formed on my face as I hurried to my seat.”
And this: “I could also feel those ugly splotches of red start up my neck, and tried to calm myself.”
And this: “My neck got hot and — I assumed — unattractively blotchy.”
Okay, does Beau have a skin condition I don’t know about?
Alright, so now we are at the scene where the class is drawing blood to find out their blood types. Even when I read this in Twilight, I was dubious. Do schools still do this? Mine sure didn’t. My school would send us out to the nurse at the first sign of a papercut because they were so worried about contamination. As well, here is another example of how gender is ignorantly neglected.
Beau, like Bella, grows faint at the sight of blood. Fine. Perfect, actually. Guys can get queasy and faint too. However, no one gives him shit for it? No one teases him? The teacher instantly notices and asks if he wants to go to the nurse? I don’t buy that. Part of fragile masculinity is always proving your tough and not weak, a guy and not a girl. It should be obvious, but, if you don’t understand gender politics, don’t write a gender-bender.
BOOOOO…I’m so bummed. I was so looking forward to Edythe carrying Beau. Instead, she just sort of helps him walk as he leans on her. Edythe is making fun of Beau for being squeamish and he replies, “I have a weak vasovagal system…It’s just a neurally medicated syncope.” Okay, so at first this is really weird. Really. Weird. But then Beau narrates that “She laughed again. Apparently, the big words I’d memorized to explain these situations did not impress her the way they were supposed to.”
Okay. Okay. So this could have had potential. If other people had been giving him a hard time and he had said this earlier, this could have made sense. It could have been funny on purpose even. Why? Because a guy doing something deemed by others as “unmanly” would be embarrassed and would make excuses for it. He might even come up with some medical mumbo-jumbo in order to make it sound more important like an uncontrollable, serious condition.
Alright, alright. The scene with the male nurse is a little funny. Beau is weak and queasy and keeps repeating that he has a weak vasovagal system. Haha. One point for Meyer, I admit.
Also, within one page, we get a Supergirl and a Schwarzenegger reference. Maybe it’s just me but not only do they feel slapped on, but every poor reference risks alienating the reader. Supergirl is pretty easy, but Schwarzenegger? I just don’t know…Also, Edythe does grab Beau’s jacket in this version although in the end he does go willingly, but let’s all remember what happens in Twilight:
“He was towing me toward his car now, pulling me by my jacket. It was all I could do to keep from falling backward. He’d probably just drag me along anyway if I did. ‘Let go!’ I insisted. He ignored me. I staggered along sideways across the wet sidewalk until we reached the Volvo.”
No. Just no. This sounds like a kidnapping. This sounds — no, it is — abuse. I wish I could say the omission of this in Twilight Reimagined is due to Meyer realizing this, but, in reality, it was probably because she felt Edythe wouldn’t do this since she’s a girl.
The chapter ends with Edythe driving Beau home and Beau having plans to go to the beach.
Come back next Tuesday for more Kelly Reads Twilight Reimagined!
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