Kelly Reads Twilight Reimagined Chapter 9

Last time on Kelly Reads Twilight With Guns…

We discovered that:

-a bone-colored scarf would be perfect for hiding Beau’s blooming skin condition

-going on a date is more exciting than being almost murdered

-Beau can give dark looks while chewing breadsticks

This time…

CHAPTER 9

Edythe is driving Beau home from Port Angeles when Beau notices how fast she is going and says, “Holy crow!” Now, I’ve heard of “Holy cow!” but never “Holy crow!” As well, unlike Twilight, Beau starts cursing pretty early on so I don’t know why he would curse one minute and then say “Holy crow!” the next.

Holy crow?

Edythe is wanting to know what Beau’s latest theory about her is. In Twilight, Bella is hesitate is because she’s afraid Edward would be angry. A vampire getting angry because you figured out their secret? Yep, that totally makes sense. Beau, on the other hand, is worried Edythe’s little feelings will be hurt. Beau is afraid it will make Edythe upset and unhappy and holds her hand to comfort her. Uh, who’s the vampire again in this relationship? Edythe doesn’t even know if his theory is right yet. Beau doesn’t know if his theory right yet, the cocky bastard. The whole tone of this is completely different from Twilight and not in a good way.

Pfffffffttt, okay, okay. So Beau tells her how he came across this theory and is narrowing in on saying it when this little exchange happens:

“I half-opened my mouth, then closed it again.

‘What?’

‘I don’t want to say it,’ I admitted.

‘It’s not not my favorite word, either.’ Her face had warmed up a little; she looked human again. ‘Not saying it doesn’t make it go away, though. Sometimes…I think not saying it makes it more powerful.’”

Uh…not saying the word gives it power? Is the word Voldemort?

When did we suddenly get dropped in…I don’t even know what. Suddenly, the soap opera factor is out the whazoo, Beau, the cocky little bastard, is so sure that he’s right he’s comforting a vampire, and Edythe is acting like she’s about to admit to her not-boyfriend that she has AIDS or some shit. Of course, it continues on:

“‘Vampire?’ I whispered.

She flinched.

Nope. Saying it out loud didn’t make it any less powerful.

Funny how it didn’t sound stupid anymore, like it had in my room. It didn’t feel like we were talking about impossible things, about old legends or silly horror movies or paperbacks books. It felt real.

And very powerful.

We drove in silence for another minute, and the word vampire seemed to get bigger and bigger inside the car. It didn’t feel like it belonged to her, really, but more like it had the power to hurt her. I tried to think of something, anything to say to erase the sound of it.”

Let’s take this in order, shall we?

1.) Seriously. You are in a car with her. Alone. Not on a busy street. Or on the bus. Or at a wedding. Why are you whispering?

2.) She flinched. Literally. Flinched. At what? The word?

3.) Leave it to Stephenie Meyer for a woman to not feel empowered at all by being a vampire. Super speed. Check. Super strength. Check. Immortality. Check. But the word vampire doesn’t seem to belong to her and has the power to hurt her.

You might be wondering why I’m harping on this passage so much. Sure, it’s not great, but it’s not particularly, hilariously awful. Well, it’s because this is an another add-on. This doesn’t happen in Twilight. Good ol’ Twilight was actually better. Edward actually just makes fun of Bella as she explains how she poor attempted to flirt with Jacob in order to get the information for the vampire theory. While many people complained that it took forever for the vampire reveal in Twilight , once you get to it in this chapter it flies by pretty quickly. Many could say that the build-up is pretty melodramatic, but in comparison the actual conversation where they get down to it isn’t that bad. This extra stuff, on the other hand, just weighs it down. It was one of the few scenes in the original story where Meyer was minimalist (to a degree).

Beau asks Edythe if Jules was right by saying that the Cullens don’t hunt people. Edythe replies that the Quileutes (Jules’ tribe) have a long memory. Beau then narrates “I took that as a confirmation.” That is not a confirmation. That is avoidance. That is not answering the question. This boyyyy…

Beau’s worried that he will never get to be with Edythe like this again. All of a sudden “I double-blinked the extra moisture from my eyes.”

We have moisture. I repeat we have moisture. Those couldn’t possibly be tears, could they? Nah. Why? Because he’s a MANNNNNNN.

I’m now activating Tear Watch. I will update you guys on any further moisturizing of Beau’s eyeballs. (No, I don't overuse overly manly man memes. This book has made them a mandatory part of this review.)

I mean, reading this book with your brain on is like having an ongoing argument with the overly manly man meme...

So Beau and Edythe are discussing how much they’re worried about each other. Edythe says it’s totally not cool how much Beau is in to her and how dangerous it is, and Beau’s like I so don’t care and it’s too late, and then Edythe gets angry saying she can make things go back to the way they were. Then Beau narrates “I stared straight ahead, glad again for the scarf. My neck was a mass of crimson splotches, I was sure.” For fuck’s sake! No, no. Deep breaths. I’m not going to be mad about this anymore. It is futile. Instead I will pray to Stephenie Meyer: can Beau at least get a bone-colored Fedora to match the bone-colored scarf?

Also, anyone who’s read Twilight knows about those grrrreat descriptions. A good example from this chapter is: “Her voice burned with real regret.” You know, none of that fake regret crap. Also, how tortured must a voice sound before you describe it as “burned”?

Also, Beau tries to kiss Edythe, but before I say what happens I would like to say: one impromptu mushroom ravioli Hey-are-you-a-vampire night out does not a date make. Thus, this was a pretty presumptuous kiss to attempt in the first place. Now for how she reacts:

“Suddenly her left hand was there, palm forward, an inch from my face, warning me back, and she was cringing against the car door, her eyes wide and frightened and her teeth clenched together.”

Vampire or not, that’s not normally a good reaction, buddy. Are we sure Edythe likes him? I know she’s supposed to like him, but her actions really don’t add up. It’s like Edythe is being compelled by her She-Jesus Stephenie Meyer to get with him, but as a character she really doesn’t want to. That’s just the vibe I’m getting anyway.

Edythe drops Beau off at his house. She promises to be at school tomorrow. After talking to his dad, Beau starts to feel dizzy and cold and so he thinks “Wouldn’t it be just like me if I did end up going into shock?” Mind you, dear reader, this is the same evening that Beau was almost MURDERED. Did we forget that with all that vampire-is-an icky-word talk? Oh, yes, this is the same evening as the crazy hobos with guns scene. Anyone, EVERYONE, would be in shock. Beau, this isn’t a isn’t-this-just-like-me moment, bud. This isn’t being clumsy or oh-so-pale as you always like to point out. This is shock. A common reaction. From people trying to MURDER YOU. I really cannot emphasis this enough, especially since the book doesn’t. Murder, people, is kind of a big thang.

Beau gets ready for bed shivering the whole way. He splashes hot water on himself. Somehow that makes him shiver. He gets into bed. He somehow makes the whole bed shake from his shivering. He takes a big whiff of Edythe’s scent from the bone-colored scarf — yep, that’s still a thing and remember it’s actually her brother’s scarf— and thinks about how much he loves her and how she is the only thing he would ever want. BARF.