Kelly Reads Twilight Reimagined Chapter 11

Last time on Kelly Reads Twilight Reimagined…

We discovered that:

-Beau broke the man code

-Edythe used science to argue whether she or Beau was more obsessed with the other

-Edythe’s dimples are like firework displays

This time…

CHAPTER 11

In Biology the class is watching a movie. Beau and Edythe go through the same electrifying lights-out experience as Bella and Edward. At the end of class Edythe “scooped her bag up with one finger.” This is the heavy bag from before, mind you. I thought she was just doing that to show Beau her strength, but maybe she just always lifts up heavy things with one finger?

Beau goes to Gym class and is horrible at everything. He teams up with McKayla and accidentally hits her with his racket. McKayla asks, “You and Edythe Cullen, huh?” Beau replies, “Yeah, me and Edythe Cullen” which makes it sounds like they are together as a couple even though they’ve never had that conversation. I don’t think Bella and Edward ever do either, but at least Bella in the beginning wasn’t going around practically saying they were already a couple. Anyway, McKayla is angry and storms off.

Edythe and Beau are walking to the car when Beau finds out that Edythe has been mentally-eavesdropping on Beau when he was in Gym class. Edythe comments, “It was very entertaining. Though I wouldn’t have minded if you’d hit that girl just a little harder.”

Uh…please don’t tell me we are making Edythe unnecessarily catty? Yes, Edward didn’t like Mike either, but Edward always gave me the impression that Mike was like an annoying gnat to him. The last thing I want is for Edythe to have some insecure bitch fight with a human teenager.

Also, in Twilight, Bella gets upset at this invasion of privacy and demands an apology. She also tries to get Edward to agree to not do it again, though he doesn’t agree to it. Beau, on the other hand, doesn’t care at all.

They see McKayla walking away and Edythe says, “It’s been a while since someone besides family thought those kinds of words about me. I don’t think I like it.” Wow. I’m not finding this in the original story; however, it could have been moved from somewhere else. Still though. Damn. How frequently do you piss everyone in your family off, Edythe? Jeez…

Beau and Edythe talk about how dangerous it would be for Beau to be near her when she’s hunting. Then there’s this: “Her low voice wasn’t so smooth — more like raw silk now — and her eyes were on the clouds again.” Seriously? Raw silk? I know “smooth as silk” is a common, cliched description, but what does raw silk even feel like? How does a voice sound like raw silk or normal silk for that matter? There are so many words that describe not smooth voices. Why wouldn’t you go with one of those?

Edythe and Beau go there separate ways with Edythe saying that tomorrow she will be the one asking the questions. Beau goes to bed, dreams about Edythe, and wakes up the next day. After showering, he looks in the mirror and thinks this:

“I looked the same as always, and yet there was something different. My hair was dark and too thick, my skin too pale, and my bones were all shaped the same underneath, no change there. My eyes ere the same light blue staring back at me…but I realized they were the culprits. I’d always thought it was the color of that made them — and by extension, the rest of my face — look so uncertain, but thought the color hadn’t changed, the lack of resolve had. The boy who looked back at me today was determined, sure of his course. I wondered when that had happened.”

I don’t even know what to say to this. I’m glad that your bones are shaped the same underneath your skin? Was that a concern before? His eyes are now culprits? Huh? Moving on…

Edythe is asking Beau a bunch of questions like his favorite color, favorite music, and so on. Then Beau mentions she hasn’t asked him one particular question which is the most embarrassing thing he has ever done and so she asks him about it. Beau has “Patches of red flared in my cheeks” again, but then he continues with “I was supposed to look emotional. Anyway, the pretty guy in the melodramatic soap my mom used to watch religiously looked fired up when he did this scene. Thanks to him, at least I had a general outline for my script.”

So Beau takes direction from soap operas for his real life? God, this would have been such an entertaining book if he actually did. Can you imagine? Like Degrassi on crack except he is the only person acting outrageous and stupid, and everyone is like “Ummm…whatcha doing, new kid?” and he replies, “Getting my revenge on Stephenie Meyer for, in fact, I used to be a girl, but the evil forces of capitalism came and I became pregnant and then became a vampire and then I was reborn in a hospital with this male body.” Then, all his classmates slowly back away, asking why all the transfer kids are crazy. Anywho…

Beau walks up to Taylor and asks if he can talk to her. Everyone around them is watching. Beau begins by saying, “Look…I can’t do this anymore”, and Taylor looks confused. He continues by saying:

“‘I’m tired of being a pawn in your game, Taylor. Do you even realize that I have feelings of my own? And all I can do is watch while you use me to make someone else jealous.’ My eyes darted quickly to Logan whose mouth was hanging open, and back to Taylor. ‘You don’t care if you break my heart in the process. Is it being beautiful that’s made you so cruel?’”

Excuse me. I…I…I don’t know what to say to this. Really, I don’t. I really should check to see how Bella dealt with Tyler in Twilight (even though I know there wasn’t a scene anything like this), but I…kind of threw my book down in anger. Just what? Why? How? Words? I need a moment. I’ll be back in a few.

***

Okay. I’m back. I picked up the book. Let’s see if we can finish this chapter, shall we? So apparently Beau’s soap opera moment was so he could get out of going to prom with Taylor. What a manly man? I’m so not sure why that scene exists or what it was meant to be. Funny? Serious? Make me worry about the sanity/intelligence of the character? Jeez…

So Beau and Edythe go to Biology where they have another movie day. Beau talks about the “electricity” between them again which made me think…does he have a boner right now? Not that Meyer would ever mention it if she did, but I would just imagine Beau would have other concerns in scenes like this than Bella would have…

Throughout the day, Edythe continues to bombard Beau with question after question. Tomorrow they are going to hang out. Beau asks if it will be his turn again to ask questions. She says no, and Beau asks what more is there. Edythe “displayed the dimples” as she says that he’ll find out tomorrow. The chapter ends with Charlie coming home with Jules and Jules’ mother Bonnie who catch Beau with Edythe. Beau realizes that Bonnie believes in the tribe’s vampire legends. 

Kelly Reads Twilight Reimagined Chapter 10

Last time on Kelly Reads Twilight Reimagined…

We discovered that:

-Some people still say “Holy crow!”

-Beau has extra moisture in his eyes

-Beau loves to sniff scarfs

This time…

CHAPTER 10

Edythe picks up Beau for school unexpectedly. She has stolen a jacket from one of her brothers so Beau won’t be cold. He is worried about this and rightfully so. They go to school and bump into Jeremy. Edythe tells Beau that Jeremy’s going to ask if they are secretly dating and what base they got to. In Twilight Jessica wanted to know if they were secretly dating and how Bella felt about Edward. Then Edythe and Beau go their separate ways for class.

Of course, once again we are pulled into the bland romantic subplots of Beau’s friends that we don’t care about. McKayla is mad at Beau at first because she likes him and doesn’t want him to be with Edythe. He then tells her how much Jeremy likes her and then she’s okay with him again for some reason. She then tells Beau that Taylor has been going around saying that Beau and her are going to prom. Beau denies it. McKayla is relieved. She tells Beau that that’s why Logan was always angry around him because Logan likes Taylor. You see what I mean? You probably even skimmed this paragraph, and I don’t blame you. No one cares about this. I don’t care about all these side characters so I don’t care about their relationships. They have next to nothing to do with the plot or why people are reading this book in the first place.

Now Jeremy is talking to Beau about Edythe. While I find it a little problematic how Jeremy thinks about girls, I can’t say it’s unrealistic. Plus, I love how much sass he gives Beau. He can’t figure out how Beau got Edythe to spend time with him, and frankly I can’t either. First, Jeremy asks:

“So, I have to wonder how you turned that around. Do you have a genie in a lamp? Did you find some blackmail on her? Or did you trade your soul to the devil or something?”

I’m sorry this just cracks me up. Plus, the way Jeremy words the blackmail question. Instead of saying, “Did you blackmail her?”, it sounds like he’s asking if Beau found some black mail about her on the ground or something.

Of course, Jeremy asks several more questions, wondering if Beau slept or made out with Edythe. Beau tells him nothing happened. Then, Jeremy says:

“That is, hands down, the most disappointing story I’ve ever heard in my entire life. I take back everything I said about your game. Obviously, it’s just some pity thing.”

This is just cracks me up. Oh, Jeremy. You’re a shit friend, but in this moment you are so right on. This quote is the truth, people.The reveal was a chat in a car. I repeat the reveal that a major character was a vampire was a leisurely chat in a car. Disappointing story, indeed.

Then Jeremy mentions how maybe he could get Edythe if he acts pathetic because she is sure to get bored of Beau. TRUTH. He then adds that maybe he won’t and he will just stick with normal girls. Then Beau gives him this zinger:

“That’s probably for the best…Keep your expectations low.”

Ohhhhh! Shots fired! (Well, figuratively. I figured I should specify because in this new version you never know.)

Now Beau’s breaking the man code, and Jeremy is pissed. Beau is unsure whether he will sit with Jeremy and Co. Or Edythe. So much so that Jeremy causes a scene and practically yells at Beau for not automatically choosing to sit with her. Wait. Do guys really get that fussy about sitting together in the cafeteria? Seriously? I know this is high school, but…seriously?

After Spanish class, Beau finds Edythe waiting for him. Everything seems cool until Beau thinks, “Her hair was still coiled up in that messy twist, and I had the oddest urge to reach down and pull the pins out it.” Indeed, Beau. That would be the oddest urge. I know this is meant to be romantic…I mean, sexual…I mean…actually what was this line meant to do? Because it really makes me want to smack him. Don’t ruin someone’s hairdo. I thought that was obvious, but attention men. I have another PSA for you. If you get the oddest urge to ruin the hairdo of a woman who you have talked to for ten minutes, DON’T. Please, just don’t.

Edythe asks Beau if he’s hungry. Much like Bella, he seems to have a hard time figuring out basic bodily sensations. He thinks, “Actually, I had no idea if I was. My whole body felt like it was being electrocuted in a strange and very pleasant way. My nerves couldn’t process more than that.” I have one word for you: masochist. Let’s say it together now: MAS-O-CHIST. I swear.

Then Beau offers to carry Edythe’s bag, and she asks if he thinks it’s too heavy for her. She then rests the bag on her pinkie finger before handing it off to him. He then realizes it’s twice as heavy as his own. He then asks, “Do you always bring your own cinder blocks to school?” I love this little scene. I love that Edythe questions him instead of just quietly going along with it. I love that she shows off her strength and teaches him a little lesson on why not to underestimate her. I also love that Beau seems to take this all in stride, realizing his mistake, and even making a joke. I doubt he will remember this lesson but I’m glad it’s in here.

Beau and Edythe are talking about how Jeremy said Edythe will get bored with Beau and is only with him out of pity. Beau tells her that he is afraid she will get bored with him, but he didn’t want to say this out loud because he didn’t want to give her any ideas. Then Edythe says, “I never would have realized it myself, but now that you mention it, I really ought to be moving along. That Jeremy suddenly seems alluringly pathetic—”.

Then both of them notice that Royal (the guy version of Rosalie) is staring at them angrily. Beau is worried for Edythe (not himself!), and Edythe says, “I’m not saying that Royal couldn’t take me in a fair fight, but I am saying that I never have fought fair and I don’t intend to start now. He knows better than to try anything with me.” This makes me like Edythe so much more. Here is some personality I can get behind!

Also, I love the fact that so many people criticized Meyer for trying to include bad science with vampires, and Meyer turns around and adds more science to this remake. Yes, yes, I cannot believe it either: there is science in this. 

Beau and Edythe are now fighting on which one of them is more obsessed with the other. Seriously. Edythe says she thinks about him more because she doesn’t have to sleep. Beau says when he sleeps he dreams of her. Edythe then replies, “REM cycles are the shortest of all the sleep stages. I’m still hours ahead [thinking about you].” That’s right. Use science to help your teenage argument about obsession. What would Bill Nye think?

Look at what you've done!

All of which, surprising enough, is NOT IN TWILIGHT. I think Meyer’s reason for writing this is a lie. I don’t think she was trying to prove that even a guy would be a damsel in Bella’s possession. If that were the case, she wouldn’t have added guns and things to ratchet up the tension for Beau. No. I think she wrote this thinking, “Oh, you thought Twilight was too mushy and soppy and unrealistic. I’ll show you worse!!!” as she cackles manically. I mean, they have been on arguably maybe one date, and they are arguing over who thinks about whom more???!!! Isn’t she a hundred and something year old vampire? If she falls for teenage boys this easily, why hasn’t she been on the news yet??!!

Okay. So I haven’t mentioned this to you before because I can plenty of other stuff to talk about. And maybe, just maybe, if I talked about it it would go away. Edythe has dimples. They are the most dimple-y of dimples, of course. They “brandish”; they “punctuate”. And now “She smiled a slow smile. It started small but ended with the full array of dimples — like the grand finale at the end of a fireworks show on the Fourth of July.” Are these magical dimples or what, ya’ll?

Beau points out that Edythe always sounds like she’s about to leave. She says that’s true but not for the reason Beau thinks. Edythe jokes that with Beau’s tendency toward near-death experiences he might actually be safer with her than away from her. Beau then replies, “You’re still going to Seattle with me, right? Lots of vans in Seattle. Waiting in ambush around literally every corner.”

Edythe asks if they could do something else other than going to Seattle. She tells him that she will be staying out of the public eye since it will be sunny that weekend. Beau asks if that means he’ll find out what happens to her in sunlight. She answers, “Yes…But if you don’t want to be…alone with me, I’d still rather you didn’t go to Seattle by yourself. I shudder to think of the vans.”

Edythe and Beau then discuss how Edythe and her family feed on bears, mountain lions, deer, etc. Most of this stays the same from Twilight. Beau asks if he could ever see her hunt, and Edythe angrily says no. The chapter ends with them heading to class.

Kelly Reads Twilight Reimagined Chapter 9

Last time on Kelly Reads Twilight With Guns…

We discovered that:

-a bone-colored scarf would be perfect for hiding Beau’s blooming skin condition

-going on a date is more exciting than being almost murdered

-Beau can give dark looks while chewing breadsticks

This time…

CHAPTER 9

Edythe is driving Beau home from Port Angeles when Beau notices how fast she is going and says, “Holy crow!” Now, I’ve heard of “Holy cow!” but never “Holy crow!” As well, unlike Twilight, Beau starts cursing pretty early on so I don’t know why he would curse one minute and then say “Holy crow!” the next.

Holy crow?

Edythe is wanting to know what Beau’s latest theory about her is. In Twilight, Bella is hesitate is because she’s afraid Edward would be angry. A vampire getting angry because you figured out their secret? Yep, that totally makes sense. Beau, on the other hand, is worried Edythe’s little feelings will be hurt. Beau is afraid it will make Edythe upset and unhappy and holds her hand to comfort her. Uh, who’s the vampire again in this relationship? Edythe doesn’t even know if his theory is right yet. Beau doesn’t know if his theory right yet, the cocky bastard. The whole tone of this is completely different from Twilight and not in a good way.

Pfffffffttt, okay, okay. So Beau tells her how he came across this theory and is narrowing in on saying it when this little exchange happens:

“I half-opened my mouth, then closed it again.

‘What?’

‘I don’t want to say it,’ I admitted.

‘It’s not not my favorite word, either.’ Her face had warmed up a little; she looked human again. ‘Not saying it doesn’t make it go away, though. Sometimes…I think not saying it makes it more powerful.’”

Uh…not saying the word gives it power? Is the word Voldemort?

When did we suddenly get dropped in…I don’t even know what. Suddenly, the soap opera factor is out the whazoo, Beau, the cocky little bastard, is so sure that he’s right he’s comforting a vampire, and Edythe is acting like she’s about to admit to her not-boyfriend that she has AIDS or some shit. Of course, it continues on:

“‘Vampire?’ I whispered.

She flinched.

Nope. Saying it out loud didn’t make it any less powerful.

Funny how it didn’t sound stupid anymore, like it had in my room. It didn’t feel like we were talking about impossible things, about old legends or silly horror movies or paperbacks books. It felt real.

And very powerful.

We drove in silence for another minute, and the word vampire seemed to get bigger and bigger inside the car. It didn’t feel like it belonged to her, really, but more like it had the power to hurt her. I tried to think of something, anything to say to erase the sound of it.”

Let’s take this in order, shall we?

1.) Seriously. You are in a car with her. Alone. Not on a busy street. Or on the bus. Or at a wedding. Why are you whispering?

2.) She flinched. Literally. Flinched. At what? The word?

3.) Leave it to Stephenie Meyer for a woman to not feel empowered at all by being a vampire. Super speed. Check. Super strength. Check. Immortality. Check. But the word vampire doesn’t seem to belong to her and has the power to hurt her.

You might be wondering why I’m harping on this passage so much. Sure, it’s not great, but it’s not particularly, hilariously awful. Well, it’s because this is an another add-on. This doesn’t happen in Twilight. Good ol’ Twilight was actually better. Edward actually just makes fun of Bella as she explains how she poor attempted to flirt with Jacob in order to get the information for the vampire theory. While many people complained that it took forever for the vampire reveal in Twilight , once you get to it in this chapter it flies by pretty quickly. Many could say that the build-up is pretty melodramatic, but in comparison the actual conversation where they get down to it isn’t that bad. This extra stuff, on the other hand, just weighs it down. It was one of the few scenes in the original story where Meyer was minimalist (to a degree).

Beau asks Edythe if Jules was right by saying that the Cullens don’t hunt people. Edythe replies that the Quileutes (Jules’ tribe) have a long memory. Beau then narrates “I took that as a confirmation.” That is not a confirmation. That is avoidance. That is not answering the question. This boyyyy…

Beau’s worried that he will never get to be with Edythe like this again. All of a sudden “I double-blinked the extra moisture from my eyes.”

We have moisture. I repeat we have moisture. Those couldn’t possibly be tears, could they? Nah. Why? Because he’s a MANNNNNNN.

I’m now activating Tear Watch. I will update you guys on any further moisturizing of Beau’s eyeballs. (No, I don't overuse overly manly man memes. This book has made them a mandatory part of this review.)

I mean, reading this book with your brain on is like having an ongoing argument with the overly manly man meme...

So Beau and Edythe are discussing how much they’re worried about each other. Edythe says it’s totally not cool how much Beau is in to her and how dangerous it is, and Beau’s like I so don’t care and it’s too late, and then Edythe gets angry saying she can make things go back to the way they were. Then Beau narrates “I stared straight ahead, glad again for the scarf. My neck was a mass of crimson splotches, I was sure.” For fuck’s sake! No, no. Deep breaths. I’m not going to be mad about this anymore. It is futile. Instead I will pray to Stephenie Meyer: can Beau at least get a bone-colored Fedora to match the bone-colored scarf?

Also, anyone who’s read Twilight knows about those grrrreat descriptions. A good example from this chapter is: “Her voice burned with real regret.” You know, none of that fake regret crap. Also, how tortured must a voice sound before you describe it as “burned”?

Also, Beau tries to kiss Edythe, but before I say what happens I would like to say: one impromptu mushroom ravioli Hey-are-you-a-vampire night out does not a date make. Thus, this was a pretty presumptuous kiss to attempt in the first place. Now for how she reacts:

“Suddenly her left hand was there, palm forward, an inch from my face, warning me back, and she was cringing against the car door, her eyes wide and frightened and her teeth clenched together.”

Vampire or not, that’s not normally a good reaction, buddy. Are we sure Edythe likes him? I know she’s supposed to like him, but her actions really don’t add up. It’s like Edythe is being compelled by her She-Jesus Stephenie Meyer to get with him, but as a character she really doesn’t want to. That’s just the vibe I’m getting anyway.

Edythe drops Beau off at his house. She promises to be at school tomorrow. After talking to his dad, Beau starts to feel dizzy and cold and so he thinks “Wouldn’t it be just like me if I did end up going into shock?” Mind you, dear reader, this is the same evening that Beau was almost MURDERED. Did we forget that with all that vampire-is-an icky-word talk? Oh, yes, this is the same evening as the crazy hobos with guns scene. Anyone, EVERYONE, would be in shock. Beau, this isn’t a isn’t-this-just-like-me moment, bud. This isn’t being clumsy or oh-so-pale as you always like to point out. This is shock. A common reaction. From people trying to MURDER YOU. I really cannot emphasis this enough, especially since the book doesn’t. Murder, people, is kind of a big thang.

Beau gets ready for bed shivering the whole way. He splashes hot water on himself. Somehow that makes him shiver. He gets into bed. He somehow makes the whole bed shake from his shivering. He takes a big whiff of Edythe’s scent from the bone-colored scarf — yep, that’s still a thing and remember it’s actually her brother’s scarf— and thinks about how much he loves her and how she is the only thing he would ever want. BARF.

Kelly Reads Twilight Reimagined: Chapters 6, 7, and 8

Last time on Kelly Reads Twilight Reimagined…

We discovered that:

-Beau really wants be OCD

-Manly version of a blush is a rash

-Beau has a weak vasovagal system

This time…

CHAPTER 6

For those of you who remember last time, I was annoyed that Beau wasn’t teased for nearly fainting. Well, Stephenie Meyer must have heard me because in this chapter there is finally some realistic reactions!

“Of course there were all the fainting comments. Jeremy especially seemed to get a kick out of that story. He laughed till he choked when Logan pretended to swoon at the lunch table.”

Yes! See? Was that so hard? Not only does it add to the characters, but it just seems more realistic. That’s all. While I do wish we would have gotten this sooner, I do give Meyer some small props for including it at all.

Now, for those of you who only saw the movies, you’ve never had the misfortune of being dragged through all the character relationship subplots. A lot of time is spent on minor characters such Mike and Jessica (now McKayla and Jeremy). Unfortunately, none of this is done well. For as much time as we are given with them, I really don’t care if Jeremy is upset that McKayla wants to sit next Beau. I don’t care if McKayla is unhappy when Jeremy sits between her and Beau. There are so many human side characters that don’t progress the plot and aren’t developed enough for me to like them.

Okay, so Beau and human gang are at La Push Beach. Beau goes for a walk with Jules (Jacob Black) and Jules tells him about the native legends. If you’ve read Twilight, then you will remember that Bella tries to flirt by acting “alluring” and “smoldering” to get this information out of Jacob. Beau does nothing of the sort which bums me out. I would have loved whatever ridiculous way Beau tries to flirt. Instead Beau asks questions and then Jules goes straight into the story. I can’t figure out if Meyer did this because Beau is just so MANLY he doesn’t need to flirt or if Jacob as a girl is even more chatty.

Also, in this chapter Dr. Cullen’s name is revealed as Carine and Jules mentions in her story that the leader of the vampires was Carine. This means that it is even more obvious the the native legends are referring to the Cullens than in Twilight. While this isn’t horrible, it was already pretty heavy-handed in Twilight that the Cold Ones are the Cullens who are vampires so the direct name reference seems unnecessary and further kills the mysterious atmosphere that the story is trying so hard to create. It’s not succeeding, but hell if it isn’t trying.

The chapter ends with Beau going home trying “very hard not to think.” Anyone else noticing that Beau likes to not think a lot?

CHAPTER 7

Here’s the other thing about Twilight and thus Twilight Reimagined. There is so much filler. Beau has a nightmare about the native legends about Edythe and Jules. However, when Beau wakes up we get the brilliant details of him:

-undressing

-showering

-dressing

-dialing up his Internet

-eating cereal

-putting the bowl and spoon away

-putting away his CD player and headphones

-googling vampires

Oh, boy! Don’t you feel more informed, more entertained, more excited now that you’ve gotten all that! No? Me neither. I’m surprised we didn’t get some detail about him being on the toilet or brushing his teeth.

Beau is pondering the idea of whether Edythe is a vampire or not and what he should do about it. He starts this inner dialogue in his room in the early morning and then decides to walk into the woods. Woods where maybe a vampire could be, perhaps? Oh , well. Maybe he’ll get eaten. Granted Bella did this too, but I love how quickly they are able to figure out what they DO know for sure.

“There was one thing I was sure of, if I was sure of anything. The black-gowned Edythe [from his dream] with the sharp teeth and nails was just embodiment of the word Jules had said [vampire], and not the real Edythe.”

Um? Excuse me? Do you mean the girl you’ve talked to for maybe ten minutes? The girl who constantly confuses you with her words and behavior? In the end, Beau, like Bella, decides to do nothing.

At school, McKayla asks Beau out, and Beau dodges it by using “man codes” as an excuse. Otherwise, nothing much happens. Edythe and family is gone for two days straight. Beau is invited to go Port Angeles with his friends and the chapter ends as the drive out of town.

CHAPTER 8

Oh, oh, oh! I just realized this is the chapter where in Twilight Bella is ganged up on by a bunch of guys and is in trouble of being raped when Edward saves her in his Volvo. Will Beau be ganged up on by a bunch of girls? Or guys? Will the guys have guns? Let’s see how Meyer twists it…

OMG. So Beau goes to a bookstore away from his friends then takes a walk where he gets lost. He then comes across a “huddled circle of people”, and at first I think we are going to get this horribly stereotyped evil hobos’ scene, right? There are four men and two women, quickly hiding things in their pockets when he walks by and he thinks one of the men has a gun. Beau keeps walking, but then he hears a voice behind him whisper:

“It’s a cop.”

Wait. What? Oh, see that teenage boy who scampered by? Totally a cop. No uniform. No police car. No partner. Fear in his eyes. Absolutely, 100% a cop. Realizing he’s in trouble, Beau now picks up the pace and “watched the pavement so I wouldn’t trip again.” Seriously? This is meant to read as an intense, suspenseful chase and our protagonist is staring at the ground with the only thing running through his mind is that he hopes he doesn’t trip again? Alrighty, then…

OH! So that tatted dude and his girl from the airport in Chapter 1 are here! Suddenly, everyone seems to have a gun! GOD I’M LAUGHING SO HARD RIGHT NOW! I was just joking about the guns!!! Do you get it? There’s more action because Beau is a MANNNNN.

Apparently, the tatted guy and girl saw Beau with his dad in his police uniform so that’s why they think he’s a cop. As a teenager. Okay, I guess…

Edythe appears in her trusty Volvo, and Beau hops in the car but has to convince her to drive away even after telling her that the other people have guns. Why aren’t they shooting? Why would Edythe wait, putting Beau in danger? It seems like Edythe wants to go out and hurt, if not kill, those people, but wouldn’t that completely blow her secret? In Twilight, Edward drives away quickly but then is so mad he wants to turn around. Bella is already safe by the time Edward starts debating going back on his own. By adding the guns, the hesitation makes even less sense.

Also, it was already unbelievable in Twilight for Bella to not be in shock from coming out of a situation where she was almost gang-raped. But for Beau to not be in shock or worse from being chased by a group of people with guns who were planning to kill you? Asking Edythe what’s wrong? Being confused as to why Edythe is angry? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!!! I just can’t even right now…

Edythe and Beau decide to go to a restaurant. And then there’s this narration:

“Honestly, almost being murdered was not the most interesting thing that had happened to me tonight, and I hadn’t really thought much about it.”

Oh, don’t worry, Beau. I don’t think any one assumed you did much thinking at all. Beau is cold because he left his jacket in Jeremy’s car so Edythe gives him a “bone-colored scarf”. Uh, so white, then? **Facepalm**

Okay. It’s official. Beau has a skin condition. “A patch of warmth started to bloom on the side of his neck.” Also, is it just me or is it a bit ironic that Meyer said in the Foreword that Beau has less flowery language and yet everything seems to “bloom” on him?

Beau rejects Edythe’s scarf. I repeat Beau rejects the scarf. Edythe even tries reassuring him it’s not a “lady scarf” because she stole it from Archie. He eventually accepts the scarf and apparently he’s never worn a scarf before so he’s getting the scarf feels right about now. He thinks about how he should own a scarf to hide the red covering his neck. He literally just stole what I was thinking. Conceal, don’t feel that blooming red spot, Beau. Conceal, don’t feel.

Maybe Elsa could make him an ice scarf?

Edythe makes a joke and now Beau is giving her “a dark look as I chewed.” Is that even possible? (He’s eating a breadstick, by the way.) I just can’t picture it. Please attach a picture down below if you can give a dark look as you chew. This is scientific research, people.

Edythe explains vaguely her mind-reading ability, and Beau thanks her for saving his life twice. She clarifies that she’s saved his life three times. The first was from herself and that he can leave if he wants and Beau just sits there and “patted her hands, totally calm.” What? Who? Oh, right, it’s Beau. Moving on!

I do like that fact that Beau really wants to pay for the meal, and Edythe won’t let him, saying: “Try not to get caught up in antiquated gender roles.” Unfortunately, then Beau thinks and does this:

“I passed her, hurrying again to get the door [for her], ignoring what she’d said about antiquated roles…She gave me a strange look when I held the door open — like she was kind of touched by the gesture, but also annoyed by it at the same time. I decided to overlook the annoyed part, and I scrambled past her to hold the car door too.”

Do you see the problem here? It’s not that he wanted to pay or even holding open the door. It’s not listening to what she wants. It’s overlooking her annoyance. If someone doesn’t want you to do something and you do it anyway, that’s NOT chivalry. If you are getting strange looks and can sense their annoyance, you are making them uncomfortable and that’s NOT okay. DO NOT DO THIS.

The chapter ends with them getting into her car and hinting at more questions to come.

Come back next Tuesday for more Kelly Reads Twilight Reimagined!

Kelly Reads Twilight Reimagined: Chapters 2, 3, 4, and 5

Last time on Kelly Reads Twilight Reimagined…

We discovered that:

Being a MAN= prison imagery + guns + red patches + smelling vinegar instead of coconut + unresolved eyes

This time…

CHAPTER 2

It’s the second day of school for Beau, and he’s starting to get into the groove of things. Except for P.E. Much like Bella, he sucks at it and “the patches of red” make a second appearance. Then Beau sees the Cullens minus Edythe (Edward) and makes this astute observation about he-Rosalie (Royal) putting his hand around she-Emmett: “I was still kind of surprised he felt comfortable doing that. Not that she wasn’t hot — she was super, mega hot — but not…approachable. Like, not even the Rock would dare to whistle at her, if you know what I mean.” I mean, wow, did he just reference the Rock? Oh, right, I forgot: Beau is a MANNNN. 

Beau gets the groceries and starts to organize the kitchen, thinking “I hope Charlie wouldn’t mind, that he wasn’t OCD about his kitchen the way I was.” I know we live in an age where people willy-nilly reference and claim mental illnesses so casually, but I was kind of hoping that between a writer, an editor, and a publisher someone would rethink putting it in a book this callously.

More exposition of the progressing week. Over the weekend, Beau “wrote my mom more fake cheerful e-mails, got ahead on my homework, and cleaned up my house — obviously OCD wasn’t a problem for Charlie.” Okay, here’s the thing: is he really OCD or not? If he really was and Meyer handled it well, it would have been fine. However, OCD isn’t casual and it sure as hell isn’t a minor annoyance for most. Furthermore, this really adds nothing to his character or the rest of the story. Nothing would be lost by dropping this.

Beau is now back in Biology, and Edythe has reappeared and being — GASP — nice. Beau is embarrassed that he has “splotches blooming across my cheeks”, but, like, seriously, man, go to the doctor already. That can’t be normal. Plus, I hear that Dr. Cullen is hot.

In Biology, they are looking and labeling phases through a microscope. In Twilight, Bella is actually confident, if not a little cocky (having done the assignment before), and steps up to the plate. She correctly identifies her slides and even challenges Edward’s labeling after he doubts hers. It’s one of the few times when Bella starts to develop an active personality.

Beau, on the other hand, loses even this. He has no initiative to look at the slides and takes Edythe’s labeling without question. He even manages to drop two of the slides, which Edythe catches before they break. Yet, later Beau, like Bella, still admits to having done the assignment before in an advanced placement program back in Phoenix.

Everything else is about the same. Edythe asks why Beau moved to Forks. He tells her his mom wanted to travel with his stepdad so he volunteered to live with his dad. Edythe confuses Beau with her odd behavior, and the chapter ends with Beau driving back home from school.

CHAPTER 3

Chapter 3 is almost identical to Twilight. Edythe saves Beau from getting hit by the van. Edythe is even more mysterious and all that jazz.

CHAPTER 4

Of course, we can’t forget about the good ol’ girls’ choice dance where now that the genders are swapped some girls are actually doing the asking. Beau says no with the same excuses Bella gives of not liking dances and being in Seattle that weekend. After the third girl asks Beau, Beau can feel “the red patches staining my face.” WHY IS IT SO BAD FOR A GUY TO BLUSH? I mean, really, now. It is a basic human reaction. You are not any less manly if you blush. This is my PSA to men everywhere. Blushing is not girl-y and it is not a rash. Alright? Now that we got that out of the way…

Beau and Edythe are talking outside when it starts to rain. Beau notes:

“She was apparently wearing no makeup at all — nothing smudged or ran. Of course, her face was just that perfect naturally. For a second, I was actually angry — angry that she had to be so beautiful.”

Yes, I know Edythe is a mystical creature. Yes, I know Edythe in this mythology is supposed to be unnaturally, superhumanly gorgeous. It just bothers me that Beau assumes that she is so naturally beautiful that she doesn’t need makeup. Women don’t use makeup solely to hide their lack beauty, you know? Some of us just like wearing makeup. Some of us like artistically expressing ourselves with stuff that we put on our face. Sometimes beautiful women wear makeup — GASP! And there’s nothing wrong with it. And it’s a hella more natural that whatever rash Beau keeps producing on his face.

Anywho, they decide to go to Seattle together. The chapter ends with Edythe telling Beau it would be better if they weren’t friends and Beau being more confused than ever.

CHAPTER 5

FYI this is the chapter where Beau and Edythe eat lunch together for the first time and talk. It’s pretty much the same as Twilight so I’m just going to skip it. (It’s the scene where they discuss Beau’s theories about her like whether or not she got bit by a radioactive spider.)

I’m not even going to comment on this, but I’ll just leave it here: “Patches of red formed on my face as I hurried to my seat.”

And this: “I could also feel those ugly splotches of red start up my neck, and tried to calm myself.”

And this: “My neck got hot and — I assumed — unattractively blotchy.”

Okay, does Beau have a skin condition I don’t know about?

Alright, so now we are at the scene where the class is drawing blood to find out their blood types. Even when I read this in Twilight, I was dubious. Do schools still do this? Mine sure didn’t. My school would send us out to the nurse at the first sign of a papercut because they were so worried about contamination. As well, here is another example of how gender is ignorantly neglected.

Beau, like Bella, grows faint at the sight of blood. Fine. Perfect, actually. Guys can get queasy and faint too. However, no one gives him shit for it? No one teases him? The teacher instantly notices and asks if he wants to go to the nurse? I don’t buy that. Part of fragile masculinity is always proving your tough and not weak, a guy and not a girl. It should be obvious, but, if you don’t understand gender politics, don’t write a gender-bender.

BOOOOO…I’m so bummed. I was so looking forward to Edythe carrying Beau. Instead, she just sort of helps him walk as he leans on her. Edythe is making fun of Beau for being squeamish and he replies, “I have a weak vasovagal system…It’s just a neurally medicated syncope.” Okay, so at first this is really weird. Really. Weird. But then Beau narrates that “She laughed again. Apparently, the big words I’d memorized to explain these situations did not impress her the way they were supposed to.”

Okay. Okay. So this could have had potential. If other people had been giving him a hard time and he had said this earlier, this could have made sense. It could have been funny on purpose even. Why? Because a guy doing something deemed by others as “unmanly” would be embarrassed and would make excuses for it. He might even come up with some medical mumbo-jumbo in order to make it sound more important like an uncontrollable, serious condition.

Alright, alright. The scene with the male nurse is a little funny. Beau is weak and queasy and keeps repeating that he has a weak vasovagal system. Haha. One point for Meyer, I admit.

Also, within one page, we get a Supergirl and a Schwarzenegger reference. Maybe it’s just me but not only do they feel slapped on, but every poor reference risks alienating the reader. Supergirl is pretty easy, but Schwarzenegger? I just don’t know…Also, Edythe does grab Beau’s jacket in this version although in the end he does go willingly, but let’s all remember what happens in Twilight:

“He was towing me toward his car now, pulling me by my jacket. It was all I could do to keep from falling backward. He’d probably just drag me along anyway if I did. ‘Let go!’ I insisted. He ignored me. I staggered along sideways across the wet sidewalk until we reached the Volvo.”

No. Just no. This sounds like a kidnapping. This sounds — no, it is — abuse. I wish I could say the omission of this in Twilight Reimagined is due to Meyer realizing this, but, in reality, it was probably because she felt Edythe wouldn’t do this since she’s a girl.

The chapter ends with Edythe driving Beau home and Beau having plans to go to the beach.

Come back next Tuesday for more Kelly Reads Twilight Reimagined!

Kelly Reads Twilight Reimagined: Foreword and Chapter 1

WARNING: THERE BE SPOILERS AND CURSING AHEAD.

Before I start this read-along series, I might as well come clean: I used to like Twilight. GASP! In middle school, I read many a bad book, but Twilight was perhaps the most famous. I’ve read all the books (more than once) and seen all the movies (more than once: curse you ABC Family!), making me more than qualified to evaluate this Twilight gender-bender (the gender of the characters are swapped: Bella is a dude now, Edward a girl, and so on). While I’m no longer under Twilight’s spell, I will admit that Twilight was great at allowing people to project themselves and their ideals onto the characters. When I was reading it, Bella was much more snarky and Edward was much hotter and laid back. Thus, when I first saw Bella and Edward on the big screen looking constipated and humorless, my undying love for sparkling vampires was suddenly cured.

Also, I would just like to state that while I’m hoping we will all get a few laughs out of this read-along I’m by no means bashing the author Stephenie Meyer. Hey, making millions off of a debut novel is stellar no matter the quality of the book.

With all that being said, let us begin!

THE COVER

Twilight

Twilight Reimagine

Now that Bella is a dude there’s no need to hold an apple with two hands anymore. Apparently, guys one hand that shit. And apparently apples have genders now. 

FOREWORD (in a nutshell)

-Nope. This is not Midnight Sun. Sorry.

-Apparently, Meyer was annoyed that people viewed Bella as a damsel in distress when really she’s a human in distress. To prove this, she decided to write this gender-bender which is where the genders of the characters are swapped (Bella is now a dude, Edward a girl, and so on). Which really goes to show that Meyer really doesn’t understand the complaints against Twilight if that’s all she took from it.

-Then Meyer lists what she actually changed in the book:

-she didn’t swap the genders of Bella’s mom and dad or super duper minor characters

-Beau (Bella as a dude) has a slightly different personality and I quote “The biggest variations are that he’s more OCD, he’s not nearly as flowery with his words and thoughts, and he’s not as angry — he’s totally missing the chip Bella carries around on her shoulder all the time”. Take that for what you will because I can’t even.

-Tweaks in wording and events

-Mythology tweaks such as with Alice’s visions

-Miscellaneous

PREFACE

The preface is less than half a page so mostly the pronouns have changed. However, I’m so glad to see that Bella as a dude has finally learned how to breathe. But seriously:

Life and Death: Twilight Reimagined (Beau)

“I stared across the long room, into the dark eyes of the hunter, and she looked pleasantly back at me.”

Twilight (Bella)

“I stared without breathing across the long room, into the dark eyes of the hunter, and he looked pleasantly back at me.”

CHAPTER 1

Most of the exposition starts out the same. Beau’s mom is driving him to the airport so he can go live with his dad in Forks. Instead of Bella’s white eyelet lace shirt, Beau is wearing a Monty Python t-shirt that doesn’t quite fit. Don’t worry though! Apparently, that won’t be an issue anymore because he “wouldn’t be needing t-shirts again soon.” Uh? Dude, you are going to Washington state not Antarctica; I’m sure you still be able to wear t-shirts.

Next Beau describes Washington and how he used to spend a month of the summer there until he and his father started vacationing in California instead. Beau clearly means serious business because he “started making ultimatums” to start going to California rather than Forks while Bella only “put her foot down”.

Beau describes going to live in Forks like hard prison time while Bella describes it as exile. Now, back in middle school, I understood the teenage angst of being under the thumb of your parents and somehow managed to sympathize with Bella. But, let’s be clear here: Bella/Beau are willingly deciding to go! In fact, it was their idea! A couple paragraphs ago they even explained how they had so much power in their family that they “started making ultimatums” and “put their foot down” in order to go to California in the summer instead of Forks! I’m sorry, but what kind of teenager has that kind of power and then still asks for sympathy with all this melodrama?

Later, Beau admits, “Okay, just a tad melodramatic there. I have an overactive imagination, as my mother was fond of telling me.” This is just so odd to me. It just doesn’t ring true for a teenager. Who brings up their mom like that? I just imagine him with his pinkie in the air, saying, “Oh, well, like my mother was saying the other day…”

However, all of this is just small pickings compared to this baffling, little gem.

“My mom says we look so much alike that I could use her for a shaving mirror.”

What?! Just what? Does your mom have facial hair? Mind you, he hasn’t described himself yet so this comparison means next to nothing right now. But, oh, it gets so much better with these following lines.

“It’s not entirely true, though I don’t look much like my dad at all. Her chin is pointy and her lips full, which is not like me, but we do have exactly the same eyes. On her they’re childlike — so wide and pale blue — which makes her look like my sister rather than my mom. We get that all the time and though she pretends not to, she loves it. On me the pale blue is less youthful and more…unresolved.”

First, did you seriously just say how similar you and your mom look just to backtrack and say all the ways you do not look alike?! And again what teenager narrates like this? Her lips are full? Bro, that’s your mom. Plus, the “looks like my sister” line is something awkward guys at the checkout counter say. **shiver** Also, wouldn’t it be pretty dangerous to try to use another person’s face as a shaving mirror if literally the only thing you have in common with them are your EYES?!!! By the way, how does the pale blue of your eyes make you less youthful? And I really don’t even know where to start with the unresolved part. What does that mean?

Me Pulling Out My Hair

Anywho, Beau gets on the plane and meets up with his dad. One of the first things Charlie (dad) asks Beau is:

“You really feel okay about leaving her [Beau's mom]?”

You might be wondering, “Well, what’s so wrong with that?” You’re right, of course. There’s nothing per se wrong with that line. Until you pair it with the following paragraph.

“We both understood that this question wasn’t about my own personal happiness. It was about whether I was shirking my responsibility to look after her. This was the reason Charlie’d never fought Mom about custody; he knew she needed me.”

Is your mother really that incompetent that she needed a minor to look after her? How did the court give her custody in the first place? Mind you, his parents divorced when he was an infant! Also, God forbid you ever did actually ask about your own son’s personal happiness. Also, no, this part of the conversation is NOT in the original Twilight. Oh boy, this does not bode well for the rest of this novel.

Glad to see Beau is clumsy too (granted his clumsiness is blamed on a growth spurt while Bella just IS clumsy) as he totally hits a guy with a duffel bag. Plus, the guy is tatted and he and the girl he’s with are totally not having it and they get into Beau’s face about it.

Now Beau’s looking out the window as his dad drives and has this epiphany of the scenery: “It was probably beautiful or something.” Wasn’t that just awe-inspiring? What a sophisticated way of putting it! Guys, down in the comments, tell me are your thoughts always this sublime?

Also, apparently Beau was “The kid who got shoved into lockers until I’d suddenly shot up eight inches sophomore year.” I don’t know why this cliche amuses me; it just does.

Now, for those of you who have read Twilight you might remember the “Maybe there is a glitch in my brain” line. Well, Meyer kept it, but right before it she added this beauty:

“Maybe I smelled vinegar when they smelled coconut.”

Just let that sink in for a moment. “Maybe I smelled vinegar when they smelled coconut.” Oh, the writerly possibilities. Why vinegar? Why coconut? How long did Meyer sit there trying to think of just what kind of pairing she wanted to use for this example? Now, the real question is: did she mean this to be funny?

Beau is going through his first day of school at this point. He, like Bella, has also read Bronte, Shakespeare, Chaucer and Faulkner for some reason. I mean readers relate with readers, but even in the original it seemed a bit much. I will point out that I do like the fact that Beau (short for Beaufort) is named after his Grandpa who died a couple months before he was born and he hates the name. I do think that’s a nice touch. Not much, but something.

Okay, so now Beau is eating lunch and has discovered the Cullens. To get the true effect of this description, let’s take a look at how the original Twilight first described Edward:

“The last was lanky, less bulky, with untidy, bronze-colored hair.”

Now here’s the description for Edith, Edward’s counterpart:

“The last girl was smaller, with hair somewhere between red and brown, but different than either, kind of metallic somehow, a bronze-y color.”

Wow. What a nice tweak of editing there. So much better I can’t even…

Also, when Edith catches Beau staring at her, he doesn’t blush, but instead “could feel the patches of red start to bloom in my face.” I know this is meant to be a manly way to describe blushing, but it just sounds like he is artistically breaking out into a rash…

Now Beau is in Biology with Edith or rather Edythe since he found out he’s been spelling her name wrong in his head the whole time. It’s for this exact reason why this gender-bender will never work. As an author, you have to do a FULL rewrite. You cannot just leave large swaths of wording and content the same because there’s no way it’ll match the new gender’s personality and voice. It stands out so much. While it still wouldn’t have been the best writing, there’s a way Meyer could pulled off a chatty narrator who is less sophisticated and who rambles off descriptions off the top of his head. However, these details and voice don’t match the style of the original Twilight which makes you end up with an edited version that is somehow worse for it.

Afterward, we go through the scene where Beau finds Edythe trying to change her Biology class. Beau, like Bella, experiences a “thrill of genuine fear” from Edythe’s glare, but Meyer cannot let her readers forget that Beau is a MAN and so she adds the fragment “As if she were going to pull a gun out and shoot me.”

The chapter ends with Beau upset, his voice cracking, as he tries to drive home “trying to think of nothing at all” instead of Bella who was “fighting tears the whole way.”

Here’s an equation of what I’ve learned from this chapter:

Being a MAN= prison imagery + guns + red patches + smelling vinegar instead of coconut + unresolved eyes

Tune in next Tuesday for more Kelly Reads Twilight Reimagined!